Being a movie: -5/10
I made an agreement with myself when I started this thing that I would try to stay away from newer movies, in order to give them time to ferment and become appreciated. I know that I watch a lot of bad movies, and many people think some of my favorites are downright dumb. Well, there are things that I watch, and there are things I subject myself to that no human(or vampire/werewolf/boogerman) should ever have to endure. “Vampires Suck” falls into that latter category.
I’m not a Twilight fan by any stretch of the imagination. I have never read the books, I have only seen one of the movies(and that was work related so it doesn’t count), and I don’t buy into the whole “misunderstood vampire” fad that is sweeping across our fair civilization. The hope to see a movie that would stake this ridiculous trend through the heart was intriguing, but alas I was let down in more ways than I care to think about.
If you don’t already know the plot to Twilight, here you go: Girl who likes nothing falls in love with guy who always looks like he’s going to throw up. Guy1 actually the world’s oldest super senior in highschool at a whopping hundred-some-odd years old. Guy2, who always looks like he’s growling, likes girl and hates Guy1. Girl has to choose and picks Guys 1. Girls the world over scold her for picking the wrong guy, and Abbot & Costello turn over in their graves.
Since this cousin to the “Epic Movie/Scary Movie/Date Movie/etc…” series was seemingly written over a weekend of mimosas and bong hits, it comes across as a poorly scripted and barely viewable 90 minute fart joke, and mentally beats you with its constant pop culture references that won’t be relevant in a month. The core audience is obviously the actual Twilight fans themselves, with a “we don’t take ourselves seriously and that’s cool!” attitude and a storyline that barely deviates itself from the source material. Basically, this movie lacks a soul.
If you would like to see a recap of me watching the movie with some friends, then check it out at the masterful Web Comic “The FishBowl”:http://www.fishbowl.thecomicseries.com/comics/84
Well, Aaron, that was for you. Sorry that this was a little bit more of an angry post than usual, but dammit, sometimes movies are so bad I feel offended.