Alien Stabbing: 8/10
Place in Bruce Campbell Collection: 5/10
Once again I return to an Earth over-run by an alien species, and once again I watch humans fight for their freedom. The stakes are high and the writing is low, as the crown prince of B-movies himself, Bruce Campbell, stars in this delightfully cheap and campy sci-fi…….thriller? Sci-fi action? Sci-fi spoof silly action thriller thing? Well, “Alien Apocalypse” is definitely sci-fi, and after watching it I can finally spell the word ‘apocalypse’ without the spellchecker!
After returning to Earth from a 40-year space probe mission, the team of 4 astronauts (Bruce is the Doctor) quickly discover that the planet is not how they left it. Shock isn’t really the right word when they discover that the world has been taken over by space termites, but I think it fits well enough. The “Mites” use humans as their workforce to harvest all of Earth’s lumber, which, sure enough, is what they love to eat(fingers and brains make a close second?). The astronauts are captured and put to work, their numbers quickly going from 4 down to 2.
Bruce, wanting to be known as “the great healer”, escapes the work camp and seeks refuge in the woods, where he learns that the President is planning a rebellion with a team he has assembled. Wanting to join the rebels, Bruce travels along the land, healing people with his medical wizardry, and gaining a loyal following of people who think freedom sounds like a dandy idea. When they reach the President, however, the reality sets in that no rebellion exists, and all hope is lost(standard movie cliché alert). But wait, Bruce has formed his own rebel army by just walking around, and he can lead them to victory!
I’m not exactly sure how these aliens managed to conquer Earth, but they really don’t seem all that menacing in the thrilling conclusion of this sci-fi……epic? It would seem that no one has ever tried stabbing them or hitting them or shooting them, because all those methods kill the termite bastards just fine and that is a big surprise to everyone. When they realize the mortality of their captors, the human slaves throw down their 2X4s and join in the fight, and the more bugs that get thrown into the mix, the more fluorescent green liquid that gets sprayed around the battlefield. Bruce earns himself the nickname “the great exterminator”, and we are left with the knowledge that a group of nomads did what the armies of the world failed to do: kick alien ass.
When I see a movie like this, I know what I’m getting into right off the bat, but I was hoping for a little bit more of a dark-edged movie with the premise that I was given. The whole thing takes place in the woods, and feels like it was shot over a long weekend. Bright side though, lots of bows and arrows, and since Bruce’s name in the film is Ivan Hood, at least I could handle the Robin Hood references.
A-Movies? B-Movies? C-Movies? I’ll watch them if you think I should! Keep those requests coming!