Creepy Face Makeup: 8/10
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Man I love post-apocalyptic movies(also, being a turtle!) The young Don Johnson shows us his stuff in a world devastated by World War IV in the deeply disturbing and oddly righteous “A Boy And His Dog”, which tells the tale of a boy and his dog.
Here’s the twist kiddos: The dog is psychic, and only Don Johnson can hear him. They roam the scorched Earth looking for food while the dog uses his police training to basically get Johnson laid. When we come in to the story, they raid an abandoned camp only to find that the girl there is dead. Tough luck. Not to be discouraged, the duo goes to a local movie theatre(the only movies in the future are bad porns, apparently) and discovers that a girl is hiding somewhere! The hunt is on, and they no sooner find her than they are fighting off hoards of other dudes anxious to get it on. After the first battle, they discover that the girl is from Down Under, an underground civilization that seems to be doing OK. Johnson makes up his mind to go there, but his dog, Blood, refuses on the grounds that it’s too dangerous.
Eager to find women, Johnson ignores the warnings of his faithful friend, and travels below in search of a better life. What he finds waiting for him is a trap! Since living underground has made all the men sterile, they need fresh pearl jam to get things going, so they have lured Johnson down like a cow to the slaughter. At first it seems great: knock up a bunch of chicks and have some fun doing it! But they are much more clinical than that, strapping him down and harvesting his seed like milk. Disturbing. Really disturbing.
All hope seems lost until he is saved by the same woman who lured him down into this nightmare to begin with. She hopes that Johnson will join her in overthrowing the evil council that runs this little hell-hole, and then she can assume command. Johnson has different plans, however, which include getting the hell out of Dodge and returning to a simple life of scavenging and talking to his psychic dog. When the girl realises her plan has failed and she will be killed, she joins Johnson in escaping and reaches the surface world, never to return again. They find Blood dying of hunger, so the girl suggests leaving him and finding greener pastures. Don Johnson has another idea, and the movie ends with him and Blood(and ONLY Blood) walking off into the distance with food in their bellies and some leftover dress for whatever they may need it for.
The ending to this movie was such a shocker to me that I did a rewind double-take. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope that would happen when Blood was dying of hunger, but when they actually went down that path it still took breath away. Also, this movie has a super-strong retard robot.
Keep those suggestions coming!