Lifeforce

Alien Hunting: 7/10

Zombie Killing: 7/10

Patrick Stewart: 10/10

Vampires?  Check.  Aliens?  Check.  Zombies?  Check.  Sounds like we have ourselves a great idea for a movie!  Now if only we could tie them all in together somehow…I know, it sounds impossible.  Well, my pitiful human brain is obviously no match for the creators of “Lifeforce”, who were able to blend these elements together seamlessly and come up with a film that needs to be taken seriously(as serious as you can get with all that crap running around).

Haley’s Comet needs to be explored.  We only get one crack at this every 76 years or so, so let’s make this count!  A team is sent to gather….findings……and stumbles upon a ship hidden in the tail of the comet, which is a weird place for a ship to be.  They decide to explore it(why the hell not?) and discover a bunch of dead man-bat things just floating around.  Since this isn’t ominous enough for the explorers, they go further into the ship and find three naked people asleep in some space pods.  After a quick once-over, they take the pods on as cargo and head home, thinking everything is going to be smooth sailing.  They are wrong…..dead wrong(cliché alert!).  Their ship arrives to Earth with the crew dead, the interior badly burned, and the pod-people untouched.  An escape pod is missing.

The three sleepers, two men and a woman, are placed under observation as Earth’s greatest minds fumble about and try to decide what their space-cases are made out of.  The woman suddenly wakes up and begins sucking the life out of the guy guarding the door(woman…am I right guys?), then slowly and calmly walks out of the building.  Space Vampire?  You bet.  While she goes around stealing souls and changing bodies, the other two cosmic vamps are blowing stuff up and just being a general nuisance.  Suddenly, the escape pod from the space mission shows up, and out emerges the missing Captain, who reveals that she is a space vampire(!!!!) to nobody’s real surprise.  He claims he has a psychic link to her, and begins following her around, trying to end the madness.

James Bond never had to deal with this crap...

Every time she feeds, she turns someone into a zombie, who in turn will turn others into zombies by feeding(standard Zombie mathematics), so in no time flat London is overrun by soul munching dead-heads.  The Captain finally traps the vamp tramp inside Mr. Patrick Stewart, and finds out that her plan is to steal energy from Earth and repopulate her species, which were our batty friends from earlier.  It will work, unless someone figures out how to kill vampires by stabbing them in the chest.

Someone figures out how to kill vampires by stabbing them in the chest.  The dispatch of the two guys pretty easily and, after losing the woman briefly, track the Queen of Mean to a church where she is streaming souls to her floating fortress in the sky.  Our hero acts on instinct and starts making out with her.  And then gets naked.  And then makes out with her some more.  And then, after taking his sweet time, gives her the old one-two-I-stabba-you routine, ending this horrid business and any chance he had of sealing the deal.  Except for all of the death and carnage, London is saved!

Were the zombies legit zombies?  Not really, if “brain eating” is a major requirement.  Were the vampires truly vampires?  They sucked, but not blood.  If you wanna call every woman that sucks the life out of a man a vampire, you’re gonna have a long list my chummies.  At least the aliens were aliens, so 1 out of 3 ain’t bad.

Let me hear more requests, I’d love to watch what you hate!

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