Bright Colors: 9/10
Random Pointless “Dancing”: 10/10
Word to your mother, this was Vanilla Ice’s big movie break. Back in the day, I’m sure he had some high hopes for his career, which he basically stole from MC Hammer. This bright, loud, 90’s excuse for a remake of Rebel Without A Cause was meant to show the world that he was more than just a stupid white guy with bad hair, cheesy lines, and mediocre singing capability. It didn’t. If anything, “Cool As Ice” shows us exactly why anyone who listened to Vanilla Ice for more than a second(with the exception of the “The Turtle Rap” in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II) needed to retake the 9th grade with rigorous speech correction therapy.
Once we get through the opening 10 minutes of dancing and “rapping”, we finally meet Johnny, a cool guy hanging with his homies on crotch rockets. They travel down the road until they knock a woman off of her high horse(literally), and Ice falls in love. Needing some repairs on their bikes, they stop in to a nice mom’n’pop joint where they soon become stranded. Good news for Ice, though, since the shop is right across the street from his new squeeze. Time to work some of his magic on this successful girl with everything going for in life.
Vanilla makes his move while the girl’s boyfriend is standing there, dropping the famous line “Drop this zero and get with a hero”, guaranteed to make any woman puddy in his hands. But for some reason it doesn’t work. She has a mind…or something….and doesn’t fall for it. Ice is determined, however, and steals her notebook to force her into several encounters where he eventually wins her over by laying down fly beats, sweet dance moves, and deep philosophies like “Live for yourself or you ain’t livin”(She took heed, because he is a lyrical poet).
While Ice is busy with his girl, Kat, her father is having troubles of his own. He has actually been in Witness Protection for 20 years, and his past has finally caught up with him. Apparently, a low profile doesn’t include TV interviews. When some old friends show up to settle a debt, the dad gets the wrong impression that Ice is involved, and forbids his daughter from seeing him. When Kat’s little brother gets kidnapped, it doesn’t help that Vanilla Ice:
- Is seen talking to the kidnappers while asking for directions.
- Is seen riding with the kid on his motorcycle right before the kidnapping.
- Accidentally delivers the ransom tape by hand.
- Beats up Kat’s boyfriend for touching his bike.
- Is Vanilla Ice.
All this points to the logical conclusion that Vanilla took the kid, and only Kat refuses to believe it. After all, she spent the afternoon with him, and he seemed like a pretty straight shooter.
When Ice learns of the kidnapping, him and his posse saddle up and take to the streets, using the power of their boombox to get clues of the kid’s whereabouts from the ransom tape. They track him down to a building project, and surprise the kidnappers by driving their bikes right through the wall! Some quick punches and spin kicks, and the kid is saved! The father apologizes for ever doubting the street-wise street-rat, and Kat abandons her promising future to presumably bum around for a couple of years before realising she missed her chance to be successful. Thanks, Vanilla Ice!
This movie is chalked full of 90’s clichés, most notably a scene where Vanilla Ice uses his music and dancing to liven up a boring social club. His outfits are more ridiculous(and a whole lot less classy) than Prince himself, and his dancing will make you think he’s got multiple sclerosis. Speaking of dancing, I think the director was against anyone standing still in a scene, so someone is always shaking it in the background. Between that and all of the bright colors, it’s amazing I walked away without a seizure.
Thank you, Michele, for reminding me about this one. It was….entertaining…until I remembered it was a real movie. Then I just got sad.
PS. Ice, Ice, Baby.