Malice In Wonderland

Drug Use: 9/10

Hot Alice: 9/10

Trannies: 8/10

There have been many remakes of Alice in Wonderland over the years, from cartoon epics to twisted indie films.  In “Malice In Wonderland”, we find Alice to be a 20-something daughter to a millionaire who has just discovered a terrible secret about her father.  Want to know what it is?  All in due time….

Alice is being chased into a subway tunnel by 2 suits as we get kicked off, and right away we can tell that Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are the references.  As she exits the subway and runs into the street(without looking both ways!), she is hit by a taxi driven by a very anxious man.  His name is Whitey, and he’s late for a very important date: he has to make a pickup and get his boss, the king of a gang of “hearts”, a kick-ass birthday present.

Not wanting to attract attention, he throws Alice in the back of his cab and feeds her some pills for her head, and the drug trip begins.  They travel all over, encountering several strange individuals that are all clearly based on the original Alice characters, including a radio DJ(Cheshire cat), a stoner(that caterpillar thing), and Hattie the Pimp(Mad Hatter/Red Queen).  Eventually, Alice’s father puts out a reward for her return of 10 million dollars, and Whitey is plastered all over TV as a kidnapper.  Alice, still trying to recover her memory from the accident, keeps popping pills whenever things get too real, and decides to help Whitey clear himself(and cash in on that reward).

Remember what the DJ said....feed your head!

She makes it to Harry’s(the king of “hearts”) party, and realizes that she is now the proud prisoner of a crime boss.  Never fear, Whitey shows up with a giant cake and a plan to save Alice.  His plan is basically to run like hell and not get shot.  His plan fails.  Alice keeps on going as fast as she can, when the DJ appears and tells her that he can give her back 15 seconds that she wasted talking to a homeless woman in the subway tunnel.  Sending her back in time, she is able to avoid getting hit by the taxi in the first place, and convinces Whitey to kidnap her so they can collect the ransom(so…none of the movie actually happens).  Then, just to tug on your heart-strings, the homeless woman in the subway is actually Alice’s mother, whom her father bought Alice from long ago(that’s why she ran away in the beginning).  It’s a buyers market.

I didn’t really hate this one, but that’s not saying much.  Every time Alice is faced with a block in memory, she takes another pill, and then just wigs out for a bit.  At one point she wakes up, and has somehow been recruited as a prostitute.  Another time she just passes out in a phone booth.  The most fun aspect of this movie is just figuring out what all of the references are, which would probably take about 2 or 3 times watching it to figure out.  Problem is, I wouldn’t watch it 2 or 3 times….

Special thanks to my friend George for actually helping me watch this one.  I think I spent the whole movie turning to him saying “She’s taking drugs again…”

Send me those suggestions, people!

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