Hammer To The Head: 9/10
Successfully Using Phone: 0/10
I love it when I come across a horror movie that throws sense to the wind and just focuses on creepy-ass people doing creepy-ass things. There is no need for plot when you can just have each character do the same thing over and over until everyone is dead, so why try? Well, in “Satan’s Playground”, they try a little, but that doesn’t mean they take away from the repetitive killing.
A family driving along an old dirt road in the country(for seemingly no reason) hears some strange noises like that of a bird or a helicopter(as the two are often confused). Their car gets stuck in the side of the road, and they are forced to seek help since they left their spare tire at home to make room for the mentally handicapped son. The father is the first to go:
Finds house, asks creepy lady who lives there if he can use the phone, lady leaves to get phone. Dad gets a hammer to the face and is killed.
After waiting a little while, Mom gets worried about Dad and decides to go find him in the creepy woods to make sure he is alright. After all, some strange noises keep coming out of the woods, so why not go investigate? So the Mom:
Finds house, asks creepy lady who lives there if she can use the phone, lady leaves to get phone. Mom gets a hammer to the face and an axe to the back….is then tied up in basement.
Well, now the only people left in the car are the autistic son, and the older niece who has a baby with her. The son senses something is wrong with his mom, though, and wanders off into the woods to find her. The niece, somehow not noticing that, steps out of the car to see if he left any trace, and wouldn’t you know it, her baby gets kidnapped. She frantically runs through the woods until she:
Finds house, asks creepy lady who lives there if she can use the phone, lady leaves to get phone. Niece gets a hammer to the face and is killed.
The mom manages to escape by bribing one of the kidnappers with pills, and runs off into the woods, just missing her autistic son drowning in some quicksand(I guess…). She barely escapes the woods where some invisible thing is cutting people’s faces up, and makes it into town to tell the police about her story. It would seem the legend of old lady Mrs. Leeds and her brew of evil children is the legend of the Jersey Devil, which also includes razor-winged friend. Since the police don’t believe her, one goes with her to the house and:
Asks old lady who she is, gets hammer to the face and dies.
The mom runs off into the woods(again) and makes it to the main road, where we assume that she is picked off by the flying whatever-it-is. You never get to see it, which blows, and its the only supernatural thing in this movie. The rest is just some coked-out old lady using a mallet to whack people in the face(that sounds more awesome when I type it out than when I watch it…).
Well, thank you to Rose for suggestion, I look forward to watching the other ones you’ve listed for me. And as for all the rest of you, I expect to see some suggestions flying in! Until next time, stay awesome.