Django

Tough Guys: 8/10

Gunslinger Quality: 10/10

Creepy Coffin: 8/10

Open up the Badass Factory and you can take this one right off the line.  Pure, intense, and frightfully awesome, this spaghetti western comes from Italy, and treats us all to a nice dinner of gunfights with some gold theft for dessert.  The main character shares his name with the title, “Django”, and if you don’t get that at first there is a whole song in the opening about how he lost his woman, and is now a roaming pile of kick-ass.  He has one secret, however, and it is held in the coffin which he drags around with him across the desert.

Django stumbles upon a lady being tied and whipped in the middle of nowhere, so decides to wait and see what happens.  The Mexican whippers are killed by a gang of red-sash wearing southerners that work for a Mr. Jackson.  It would seem that the two group have an ongoing feud, and a shared hatred of this woman who they plan to burn alive.  So, Django takes about 2 seconds to create 6 holes in 6 heads, and agrees to take the woman back to town.  See, she once dated Mr. Jackson and then ran off with the Mexicans for some reason, and then wanted to go back.  She can’t go back.

When they get to town, Django just wants some food, a drink, and some cards.  What he gets is 6 more guys trying to prove how tough they are, and after a couple of seconds he proves them wrong.  Mr. Jackson is among them, so Django tells him to bring his entire army if he wants Django dead, since that’s the only way he’ll have an advantage.  Mr. Jackson complies, and the next morning brings all 48 of his men to take out this mysterious stranger.  Guess what’s in that coffin that Django carries around?  A freaking gattling gun!  He unloads on the army, and only a couple(including Mr. Jackson) make it out alive.

He doesn't need to overcompensate, but he does anyway....

Django then teams up with the Mexicans in order to steal a bunch old gold from the local reserve.  When the plan goes off without a hitch, Django wants to take his money and go, but the Mexicans have different plans: they want to party like its 1899.  Django pretends to go to bed, but sneaks out with his coffin(no one saw the coffin…) and packs it full of the stolen gold.  He sets up his machine gun to fire at anyone who comes through the door, and blows a whole in the wall.  He manages to escape with the gold, and is ready to start a new life.

Oh No!  The gold fell into a pit of quicksand!  When Django tries to get it out, he almost dies, but is rescued just in time by some pissed off Mexicans.  They break his hands(and trample them for good measure) and leave him for dead.  On their way home, Mr. Jackson ambushes them and kills them all.  Django makes it back to town, and goes to the graveyard where he will meet Mr. Jackson and (you guessed it) 5 more men.  Even with mutilated hands, he proves to be an ultimate badass and kills the lot of ’em with the quickness and skill of…..a badass.

Watch this movie if you like westerns!  It had everything I like, from close-ups on eyes to snide remarks like “I’m not afraid of anything”.  True, the dubbing is a little annoying if you have to watch it that way, but it is still worth the view.  Until next time, stay awesome everyone.

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