Yellowbeard

Monty Python: 10/10

Rape(funny rape…so it’s ok): 9/10

Swashbuckling: ?/10(I’m not sure what ‘swashbuckling’ is…)

Anybody else a Monty Python fan?  I sure as hell am, and anybody that isn’t should have the piece of dumbass removed from their brains.  I am so glad that I get suggestions from people who know what kind of things I’ll get a kick out of, and “Yellowbeard” is definitely one of those things.  The Monty Python gang doing a movie about the greatest pirate that ever lived–Yellowbeard–makes Pirates of the Caribbean look like Pirates of the Who-Gives-A-Crap.

Let’s introduce Yellowbeard in his prime.  He roams the see, killing men and raping women(who he then also kills), and steals a massive amount of treasure along the way.  Not trusting anyone, Yellowbeard somehow manages to take all of his treasure to an uncharted island and bury it, only himself knowing where.  Then, as is the case with many pirates at their peak, he was arrested for tax evasion.  He gets sentenced to 20 years in prison, all the while the government trying to learn where Yellowbeard hid his enormous treasure.

After 20 years, Yellowbeard never cracks and the government extends his sentence to 140 years(on account that they thought he would have died before the original sentence was done).  Yellowbeard promptly escapes(really easily) and decides its times to get his treasure back.  He goes back to his “wife’s” house(his wife is a woman he raped but forgot to kill) to get his map, but she has burned it and tattooed it on their son’s head.  He is forced to either cut off his son’s head, or take him along…it takes some convincing before he brings his son.

It's a lucky man that turns his hobby into his profession...

Yellowbeard’s rival and former first mate, Mr. Moon, also wants the treasure, and arranges to get a ship of his own.  He kidnaps Yellowbeard’s son and puts him on a ship as a worker, while pretending to be a worker himself.  When the time is right, he stages a mutiny and makes Yellowbeard’s son the captain, in hopes that he will go straight for the treasure.  Yellowbeard has stowed away on the ship, however, and between eating and raping, he alters the ship’s course and kicks some butt.  His son doesn’t know where the treasure is, but he does, so when they are close enough to land he swims the rest of the way himself and tries to remember his very specific instructions to find the burial spot-“crawl, crawl, stagger, stagger?  Or stagger, crawl, crawl, stagger?”  Mr. Moon makes it to land, and the race truly begins.

When Yellowbeard finally finds his hoard, Mr. Moon ambushes him, but of course no one can kill Yellowbeard…except for his son!  Though completely on accident, his son stabs him in the chest and he goes down.  Mr. Moon gets the treasure and skeedaddles.  Not to worry, boys and girls-Yellowbeard’s always do their best when they are dead, and they get what’s rightfully their’s back(I’m aware that Yellowbeard stole the treasure in the first place, but he deserves it dammit!).

This was a great movie, and I can’t believe that I have never heard of it.  Graham Chapman played Yellowbeard so nasty and uncaring, yet completely lovable as a hopeless wretch.  He is unable to feel pain and doesn’t understand anything that doesn’t relate to being a pirate, and for most of the movie he’s just fighting people and taking women into bushes or backrooms.  The rest of the Python cast are brilliant in their own roles, but I hoped for a little better from Cheech and Chong.  Like I said earlier, if you are a Python fan and haven’t seen this, make it a priority!

Thanks again to Rose for the suggestion, I only wish that this review would do the movie some justice.  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies!

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