Samurai Princess

Blood/Gore: 8/10

Strange Weapons: 9/10

Creepy Monster: 10/10

I like to balance out the bad movies I watch by watching bad movies….wait……that almost made sense.  I enjoy the occasional shock-film, so I usually turn to Japanese horror movies, where I’m almost always surprised by what someone actually thought up and put into a movie.  Most recently, I picked up “Samurai Princess”, a film starring one of Japan’s leading adult film stars, and was both pleased and disappointed…pleased by the rampant shocks around every corner, disappointed that it was not really about samurai’s, princesses, or adult film stars…

Twelve girls are just hanging out in the woods, as girls normally tend to do, and wouldn’t you know it?  A gang of miscreants led by two unsavory characters comes along and rapes/murders the lot of them.  One girl survives, however, and is found by a wandering “doctor” that offers her another chance at life.  His plan: to change her into a cyborg as part of his ongoing quest to create the perfect man/machine hybrid.  What could make her even more deadly?  A buddhist priestess summons the spirits of the girl’s 11 dead friends and puts them into her cyborg body.

Calling herself “Samurai Princess”(for pretty much no reason), she begins to hunt down the leaders of the gang that attacked her and her friends.  She meets members of the gang, and uses her strange powers to cut them down to size.  What powers you ask?

  • She can remove her boobs and throw them like deadly….boobs.
  • Her chest cavity is filled with 2 giant saw blades.
  • She can connect to other people’s brains using a wire coming out of her neck.
  • Super-strength and all that basic stuff.

The things I go through for this blog...

She finally catches up with the two gang leaders, who also happen to be cyborgs, and an interesting fight breaks out.  There are chainsaw legs and tentacles flying around, but in the end she comes out on top.  This isn’t the end, however, for the real bad guy is the doctor who made her into a ‘devil’ in the first place.  Since he made the gang leaders as well, he needs to pay for their actions.  She finds him quick enough, and has just enough time to think its going to be easy before he summons the creepiest monster I’ve ever seen in a movie.  The front is girl and back is boy(or vise-versa) and its covered in tubes and muscles and wires….its all slimy with a creepy baby face….its only wearing shorts….it only giggles…damn!  Creep city!  After much ass kicking on its part, the Samurai Princess summons the spirits of her friends to….create several arms with swords?  I didn’t really get that part, but it seemed to work for her.  Then, she super-punches the monster’s heart out, and calls it a day.

The very graphic nature of this movie is sometimes hard to take, like a scene where she crushes a guy’s brain in her hands.  I’m not saying its very disturbing, since its obviously fake, but at times it can be nauseating.  The random weapons and attacks(one guy fights with the sonic powers of a guitar…no joke) keep the action fresh, but the movie really lacks any kind character development.  I don’t feel like I really understand the cyborg girl with eleven spirits of dead people inside of her….

Well, I could be wrong, but I’m not.  Keep watching those bad movies!

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