Teeth

Severed “Members”: 10/10

Primal Fears Realized: 9/10

Desire To Have Sex After Watching: 0/10

Has anyone else heard of this movie?  I bet you have, if not by title, then by subject matter…maybe just in passing, or maybe over the shoulder of someone else talking about it.  I’ll break it down for you pretty easily…vagina teeth.  A girl discovers that she has vagina teeth.  If the concept confuses you, just think of the majestic lamprey and all of your confusion will be gone…with disturbing clarity.  Then, just to scare yourself even more, imagine that the teeth are similar to that of a shark.  Excited yet?

Let’s meet Dawn, a soldier in the war on pre-marital sex.  We get to see her as a little girl playing with her new step-brother in a kiddie pool, when suddenly the brother’s finger gets badly bitten(probably by sticking it where it didn’t belong).  Jump to present day, where Dawn is presenting at an abstinence rally, and catches the eye of a certain young man in the audience.  Romance quickly blossoms between the two, and even Dawn admits she feels the temptation of sexual desire. 

Love is fleeting, however, when the guy decides he wants to get some without really caring about little things like consent.  Little does he know that she has a surprise for his little intruder, a surprise that even she is unaware of….Vagina Dentata(it’s latin for vagina teeth, I guess)!  With his johnson now a separate entity, he runs for the hills, not quite making it before loss of blood and manhood take his life away.  Dawn now begins to suspect something is afoot(or ateeth!)…

Boy, is he in for a surprise...

 She goes to the doctor who, big shock, doesn’t think anything is wrong–at least, not until he decides to shove his whole hand up her woo-woo.  He ends up sans four fingers, screaming on the floor about “vagina dentata”, leaving Dawn to run for her life to figure out what to do next.  She goes home and her mom is in trouble, suffering from some sort of disease, I’m not sure what.  Her step-brother was too busy messing around in his room to care, so her mom is in pretty rough shape unconscious on the floor.  They rush her to the hospital, and Dawn seeks out the comfort of a friend.

The friend is a guy from school who made a bet that he could sleep with Dawn, despite her abstinence oath.  He calms Dawn down with what I can only assume was Roofalin, gives her some champagne, and proceeds to get into her pants with mild efficiency.  When she doesn’t accidentally tear him a new one(literally), she thinks that she has found love, until he answers a call mid-sex explaining the bet and revealing himself as an asshole.  Unpleased, she gives him a so-long snip, and is on her way.  With her new-found confidence in biting off wangs, she goes after her step-brother and teaches him a lesson he’ll never forget.  When that’s all done, she hits the road, apparently running off to seek revenge against men for their disgusting and unacceptable behavior.

There was a lot going on here.  Was it necessary to show that every guy in the world is a sex offender?  No.  Was it hilarious that the step-brother was so scarred from being bitten as a kid by a vagina that he would only have sex with girls in the back door?  You bet.  Did I need to see a bunch of severed penises lying around after the “separation” occurred?  Probably not, but who knows for sure?  Long story short, if your squeamish about your privates, you probably want to avoid this one.  If not, knock yourself out, its hilarious if you can get past the gore.

Until next time, keep watching those bad movies!

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