Streets of Blood

Val Kilmer’s Hair: 9/10

50 Cent’s Acting: 1/10

Annoyingly Shaky Camera: 10/10

Man, do I love Val Kilmer.  Doc Holiday–you really can’t beat that.  Iceman–Iconic.  Batman–say what you want about Batman Forever, Val was dominant.  I really do believe he is a great actor, but it seems like his acting is inversely proportional to his weight(dropped a little algebra-bomb on you!).  At his seemingly skinniest, you better believe he had acting chops…but then he ate those chops(probably with apple sauce), and has ended up as a mildly entertaining overweight character actor.  Even though he tones it down in “Streets of Blood”, he seems to be over-acting when matched with 50 Cent, and the duo create a nearly unbearable chemistry which is reminiscent of mixing beer and milk………just gagged a little.

I’ll see if I can even formulate a plot out of this train wreck.  Val Kilmer meets 50 Cent when they both kill a crazy guy with a shot-gun perched atop a convenience store.  You see, they are in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina, and they are trying to bring peace back to the streets.  Gangs have taken over in the absence of a strong police presence, and Val wants 50 Cent to join his special task force that deals with the scum of the city.  The task force will consist of them, and two other guys that go around and do whatever they please.  They all cover for each other, make up stories, and shoot lots of people.  We shall call them the “dirty cops”.

The dirty cops are being investigated by Sharon Stone,who(without uncrossing her legs) is trying to figure out who is dirty, who is clean, and who is close to cracking like an egg under the pressure.  They are also under investigation by the FBI, who have hired a drug dealer to kill all the random gangs in the New Orleans area.  The plan is to frame the dirty cops for all of the miss-doings regarding shoot-ups and illegal entries(though it’s not being set up if you actually do the things you’re accused of) and clean up the streets using dirty justice.  We shall now refer to them as the “dirty Feds”.

"I don't know what acting is.....anymore..."

The dirty cops continue to do whatever they want, until they are tipped off by Sharon Stone about the dirty Feds trying to trap them.  They avoid the trap, and seek out justice by doing more illegal things and lying about it.  The dirty Feds(led by THE guy who played Kyle Reese in Terminator) finally face the dirty cops in a trailer park after they’ve killed everyone else, and the shoot-out begins.  The dirty Feds are killed by the dirty cops, who make up some ridiculous story about how everyone died, and they all(the 2 or 3 still alive) go home to start another day of making the world a better place.  Oh yeah, they tried to throw in a twist that 50 Cent was a spy for the dirty Feds, but it didn’t really matter, because that part made no sense.

Between consistently bad camera work and the worst dialogue I’ve heard in a while, this movie reminded me that every now and then I’m going to get screwed watching crap.  The best line was 50 Cent when asked if he broke the law, where he said, “I don’t know what the law is anymore.”  Then, when asked if he is lying, he immediately said, “I don’t know what the truth is anymore.”  Woah, buddy, slow down, don’t go after that Oscar right away.  Brass tax: This was a bad movie on all levels, and if anyone ever says I’m wrong, put an “X” on their forehead so I can avoid them in public(my favorite game, “X Marks The Moron).

Thanks Bender, you know how to pick the bad ones for sure.  I’ll need to take extra precaution (and maybe some Percocet) for your next suggestion.  Until next time, stay on those bad movies, people!

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