Appliance Ingenuity: 9/10
Inspirational Ending: 2/10
I don’t write up too many children’s movies on here, and that’s for good reason. Growing up with a constant stream of kiddie flicks going into my manly eyehole has had the unexpected result of making many of those flicks sacred cows. Also, when you make fun of a movie intended for children, people like to point out that “its made for kids, it doesn’t have to make sense! Get out of the ball pit and leave our family alone!” Well, lucky for all of you that I have never seen The Brave Little Toaster, and its way easier to make fun of kids when you don’t have to listen to them cry or their parents calling the police (for being in the ball pit….not in any sexual way………………moving on).
Let’s have a look at the cast: A toaster, who could be brave or not, we don’t really know. There’s a lamp that’s a little dim (haha), an annoying radio that won’t shut up, a vacuum cleaner who is old and angry, and an electric blanket who is the child in the bunch. They all do chores around the house, eagerly awaiting their “master’s” return, and are shocked to find that the cabin they live in is up for sale! The master, who is a little kid that apparently had no toys and played with appliances, is nowhere to be seen, so the mismatched group of outdated junk decides to pull a Homeward Bound and go to the city to find him. For those of you that don’t know, radios have an excellent sense of direction.
It’s not all fun and games, however, as the guys (yeah, all guys) run into many different problems that sometimes even the power of musical numbers can’t get them out of (ending this sentence with a prepositional phrase like a pimp). They get lost in the woods, stuck in the mud, fall down a waterfall, and electrified in a lightning storm before being discovered by a guy who runs a junk store. He’s nice enough, but since appliances are alive in this world, he’s basically a psycho killer (qu’est-ce que c’est?) when he needs some spare parts. All of the house-hold conveniences locked away in this shop of horrors break, and our fab five are once again on the road to the master’s house (By now, the toaster is still not brave, but he is really whiney).
We finally get to meet the master, who is all excited to pick up his favorite toaster and lamp and everything else, so he can go to college. When he gets to the cabin, he discovers that everything is gone (even the electric blanket!), and decides to go home and call it a day. While he is away, our heroes make it to his house, only to be thrown away by the more modern appliances that are there. They are sent to the dump, and the master has no clue they were even trying to find him (because they are appliances). The depression sinks in, and being surrounded by crying cars that are being turned into crushed cubes doesn’t help. Throw in a huge junkyard magnetic lift whose a dick, and this place has become a serviceable hell. Luckily, the master has come to the junkyard looking for replacement junk, and eventually stumbles upon his old stuff. The dick magnetic lift tries to kill the interloper, but the toaster, finally stepping up, sacrifices himself to save his beloved master. He is crushed in industrial gears, but the master fixes him with a screwdriver and a hammer (you’re always attached to your first toaster). Everybody is reunited, and the college adventure begins.
The toaster really wasn’t that much of a main character, and I didn’t think he was that brave. They should have called it “A Crappy Version Of Toy Story With No Toys”, but I guess it was in line with the fine tradition of movies where random things can talk (plus, it came out before Toy Story, so that would have required some serious forethought). The musical numbers were alright, but nothing to really brag about. Some poorly written songs about life as an inanimate object (which is hard, I guess) try to be uplifting but…..aren’t, and the whole thing just makes you wonder if that old joke about your refrigerator running is really a joke. Bottom line, I don’t think I missed a big part of my childhood by never seeing this one, I’m an Oliver and Company fan anyway.
Thanks to Ashley for the suggestion, and for giving me the means to watch it. I hope I didn’t ruin your childhood, but if I did, you had a lame childhood to begin with. Until next time, keep watching them bad movies, young and old people alike!