David Bowie Throwing Babies: 9/10

Muppet Rejects: 9/10

Musical Numbers: 7/10

I can hear it now: “Labyrinth is an awesome movie!”, “David Bowie is great!”, “How can you say it’s a bad movie, Bob!?!?!”, “You look really good without a shirt on!”  Well, first off, let me say ‘thanks’, and in case you were wondering, I do work out…….annually.  This is a movie I have been putting off for some time, partly because of my fear of David Bowie’s magical powers, and partly because I knew there wouldn’t be any Muppets featured(Rizzo the Rat is the s**t).  Well, I finally sat down and worked my way through every twist, turn, and song in Labyrinth, so hold on to your butts.

A young Jennifer Connelly (whose face has yet to grow into her eyebrows) stars as Sarah, a young girl with a lot on her plate.  She gets upset because her parents want her to have some responsibility, and decides to offer her little brother to the Goblin King.  Shock Delivery Service, here’s your package: The Goblin King is real, and it’s David Bowie.  He steals her baby brother, Toby, and takes him to his castle located at the center of a giant labyrinth.  If she can not get through the labyrinth and find Toby before her time runs out, Toby will become a goblin(the goblins are all pretty adorable, props to Jim Henson).  The race is on.

Sarah starts out being completely lost, thinking that she can just breeze through the giant maze like nothing.  She quickly finds out that she can’t do anything for herself, but lucks out by being continually aided by random “people” she runs in to(I call it the “Harry Potter Syndrome”, or “HPS” for short).  She first makes friends with a dwarf named Hoggle, who tries to sabotage her trek every step of the way(in his defense, he’s a coward, and if David Bowie just kept appearing randomly, wearing spandex and threatening me, I would turn on every one of my friends in a second(sorry guys)).  Next, she befriends Ludo, a giant red…thing…..that can communicate with rocks, I guess.  He is a little slow in the head, but I bet he’s a devil in bed.  To finish off her team of inadequacy, she meets Didymus, a fox/rat knight in a swamp guarding a random bridge.  He agrees to join the party(RPG style) and the four are off to Goblin Village, where the Goblin King’s castle awaits.

The second you're not looking, he's going to throw that baby....

A big fight scene happens where everybody has to battle all of the Goblins that live in the village, facing cannon fire and other various dangers on their way to the center of town.  Sarah, finally understanding that her brother is what really matters, not her life in her room(I guess that’s the moral of the story), reaches the castle and confronts Jareth(Bowie).  He tries to tell her to just shut her mouth(my little China Girl), but she realizes he has no power over her as long as she isn’t afraid of him.  His world crumbles into (Ziggy) stardust and Sarah returns to her really nice home.  Toby, safe and sound in bed, is asleep, and she is free from that crazy Wonderland.  All of her new friends come to her room for a party, and the credits roll in classic Jim Henson fashion.

The actual labyrinth is pretty cool, and I think Jim Henson did a great job creating so many various puppets that all had their own style and personality.  The musical numbers were a hit or miss with me(“Dance Magic Dance” stands out as a good one), but the scenery was striking all the way through, with a lot of variation in mood, texture, and detail.  The acting of Jennifer Connelly was OK, but to be honest, I really spent my time waiting for Bowie to make his appearances.  He probably only has 15-20 minutes of actual screen time(much like Beetlejuice), but it’s freaking David Bowie, so that time is well spent.  Final word on this movie: If you have kids and haven’t seen it, see it.  If you are a kid and haven’t seen it, see it.  Anyone else who hasn’t seen, see it.

Keep watching those movies, good or bad.  I’ll help you out with the bad ones, though!  Until next time, rock on.

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