I hate you Aaron. Every movie you make me watch from the “8 Films To Die For” Horrorfest is progressively more crappy than the last. I pride myself on watching garbage, but come on! I could fill up my TV with mayonnaise and Tabasco, stir it with a big spoon, and then let my dog swim around in it diving for Milkbones(this actually sounds kind of fun….), and it would be more entertaining than any of the films from that dumbass festival. So, with no further ado, let’s get into Autopsy.
After an introduction that involves a photograph montage of some kids at Mardi Gras, we meet those kids as they get drunk and wrap their car around a tree. Miraculously, even though they totalled the car, everybody seems to be just fine(except for the guy under their car). While standing around scratching their heads, an ambulance shows up out of nowhere and takes them all to Mercy Hospital, a great place to recover from your wounds if you like running into the cast of Terminator 2. They are immediately put in their respective places by a germophobic nurse, who demands that they sit and wait to be called to the doctor’s office(the doctor is played by the T-1000).
One by one, they get called away and separated from the group, and one by one, they get attacked by the 4 staff members working in the hospital. One guy gets taken to the pharmacy and spends most of the movie tripping on some strange black pills. One of the couples gets separated and hacked to pieces by the strange orderly. One of the girls, and the story really starts to focus on her, gets taken to have a hole drilled into her skull, and is able to break out and run around, discovering the horrible truth of the hospital.
There seems to be some method to the madness, as the girl discovers more and more hidden rooms and strange devices. She finds her boyfriend on a table in one room, his chest cut open, and all of his organs suspended from the ceiling. He is still alive and hooked into some strange device, so she has a chance to say goodbye before she pulls the plug. In doing so, she cuts the lifeline that is keeping someone else alive-the doctor’s wife! All of the craziness in the hospital is done to keep her alive(I think, it really didn’t make a lot of sense to what was going on in the movie, i.e. table of severed feet). Our heroine decides enough is enough and sends the doctor’s wife to Hell….cleaver-in-the-face style! When the doctor comes out for one more round, he gets about 50 stabs in the face with a needle and goes down. Can the girl recover from her horrific ordeal? Who cares.
The gore, which is apparently what anybody who likes this movie says is its saving grace, isn’t as cool as I expected it would be. Maybe it’s all of the Japanese shock-gore films, maybe it’s that nothing will phase me after watching The Human Centipede, but I felt the whole thing was kind of weak. The hospital staff is creepy, yeah, but the motivation for what they are doing is ill-defined at best: they are just being evil for the sake of being evil. All in all, I don’t suggest this to anyone unless you really have a thing for bad, over-the-top, poorly made, shock-gore, b-horror movies. If you fit into that category, do the right thing and donate your eyes to some blind kid….they might use them for good.
Thanks to Aaron for all of the suggestions, and I apologize to all the suggestions I still have to get to! No worries, though. I’ll get back on track right away. Until next time, rock on kiddos!