80’s Nudity: 8/10
Actual Chopping: 0/10
I’m back! Yes, I’ve been taking a little break from movies to delve into the world of Fable 3(it’s not too great), but I’ve finally gotten the video game monkey(Donkey Kong?) off my back! What did I decide to watch for my triumphant return? Well, in keeping up with my promise to get my submitted suggestions taken care of, this one comes to me from a former employee of mine named Peter. His suggestions are usually top-notch, and this was no exception. Welcome to the 80’s world of robot security guards and slutty teenagers(played by 30 year-olds) in the film Chopping Mall.
As someone who works in a mall, I can tell you that security is pretty much…lame. The soft-bellied observers have neither the skill nor the prowess to effectively protect a mall late at night when no one is around. “What’s the solution, then, Sexy Bob?”, I can hear some of you asking. Well, it’s very simple: robotic security guards. Robots equipped with state of the art weapons designed to detain, but not kill, a suspect. These weapons include, but are not limited too, tazers, sleep darts, and lasers that can cut through anything! Seems a bit excessive, but what do I know about the day-to-day hazards of a mall security guard? Besides, everything will be fine as long as a random storm doesn’t cause a bolt of lightning to short-circuit the robots, turning them into rampaging killbots(as seen above)…do I do that “reveal the plot as a hypothetical situation” thing too much? Oh well….
The problems are only just beginning, though, because a few employees from the mall have decided to throw an after hours party. We have all the regulars: the Jock/Slut couple, the “have sex/have fight” couple, the “truly loves each other” couple, and of course the Nerd/Shy Girl couple. Sounds like a party to me! While they are all having sexy times(except for nerd/shy girl, who settle for a scary movie on the couch), the killbots begin to roam the mall’s halls, searching for trouble. When Slut needs a cigarette, Jock goes out in search of a vending machine, only to have his throat most excellently (air guitar) torn out by one of the 3 mechanical maniacs. Slut searches for him during her nic-fit, and gets a laser to the face! The other three couples watch in horror as the killbots discover that there are other intruders, and the fight for survival begins!
The remaining couples first try splitting up by gender, where the girls run for safety and the guys stay and fight. Sexist. I would be the first to run away from danger, and my girlfriend knows it! This doesn’t work, and one couple dies. So they all try to stick together and come up with a plan involving exploding propane tanks. This works, and one of the couples dies. They were able to knock out two of the three robots, so we are down to one couple vs. one robot. They try the already failed plan of splitting up, and the guy(Nerd of the Nerd/Shy Girl team) gets a fire extinguisher to the chest, putting him down for the count. It’s all up to Shy Girl, who luckily stashed a road flare in her bra at an earlier point in the movie, and now realizes that she can use it to blow up a paint store. She lures the last robot into the store and sends him back to robot hell(enduring tortures, most of which rhyme), telling him to “have a nice day”. Bitchin’.
Goodness me, it was a fun movie. The robots were much more boxy and harmless-looking than I thought they would be, but it made for much more fun killings. It definitely felt like that scene from Robocop where that huge robot kills the executive during a demonstration; especially since these killbots keep asking for mall IDs, and then kill anyway. Something of a coincidence, the movie that Nerd/Shy Girl watch is also watched by the main character of Teeth, another movie I have reviewed. Go figure. Well, if you like poor scripts and bad effects, mixed with 80’s style and horny “teens”, then this has your name on it. Enjoy!
Thanks again to Peter for the suggestion, keep watching those bad movies so you can tell me about them! See you all next time!
P.S. It was a conscious effort not to mention the following: “Johnny-5” from Short Circuit, “Rosey” from The Jetsons, Lost In Space robot, and “Grounder” from Sonic the Hedgehog.