Disgusted Moments While Watching: 8/10
I was either really bored or really crazy to watch more than 5 minutes of this movie. I know, I know, the title is awesome and the cover looks promising, but very quickly you learn that this was made by people who have no business making anything other than amateur porn. Interestingly enough, the story has a very “amateur porn plot” feel to it, but instead of having sex, the main character kills zombies(or regular people if there aren’t any zombies). Granted, there is a lot of possibility in that concept, it doesn’t really come out in Die You Zombie Bastards.
Red Toole(haha) is the main character, a “serial killer with a heart of gold”. He goes out and mutilates people, then comes home to his cute little house and shares the severed body parts of his victims with his wife, Violet. All seems well until Violet is kidnapped while they are enjoying a picnic consisting of a severed human head, and when Red returns from grabbing the wine that he forgot, all he finds is a note. And a zombie. He reads the note and kills the zombie, in that order, and swears to find his wife, no matter what. He takes this opportunity to scream “Die You Zombie Bastard” for about a minute straight.
Violet has been kidnapped by the dreaded Dr. Nefarious, an evil man with a dream of turning the entire planet into zombies. He wants to make her into his bride, but first he needs to alter her to make her better(bigger boobs and….gills….), though I’m not exactly sure why. He has completed his work on a machine that can turn a person into his zombie slave, and now he needs the funds to be able to make that machine work on the whole world. Only one man can stop Dr. Nefarious from completing his evil scheme, and that man is Red Toole, who is now wearing a costume consisting of a cape/underwear/symbol made of flesh, red tights, and bright yellow boots. God help us.
Red travels around the world, and meets a variety of people(most of which are topless women) who all seem to have absolutely no information other than who Red should go see next. He visits aging Rock’n’Roll veteran Hasil Adkins(probably the best part in the movie), a topless barmaid named Super Inga, and a Scottish fisherman that turns out to be his long-lost father, all before someone will tell him where Dr. Nefarious lives, which is a little place called Hell’s Island in the Bermuda Triangle. Equipped with some weird-looking gun and an over-sized fake penis(it opens the anus door of the secret fortress), Red is finally able to rescue Violet and put an end to this madness. He sets off an explosion, and is barely able to escape with Violet and his apparent sidekick, Kid Fantastico(not in movie until this point), before the entire place goes boomster. They are all arrested and beaten on the spot by officers who have searched Red’s home and found the various body parts from his everyday killings. And everyone lived happily ever after.
To keep it simple, I didn’t mention all of the scenes with naked women running around, or all of the truly disturbing things that go on during this movie. I guess if you really want to watch it, then you have something to look forward to, since it would take too long for me to spoil everything in this one. I will say that you should go in expecting very little, and then maybe you will come out of it with more than I did. Try to watch it with a friend, and try to watch it with some sort of mind-altering substance, I don’t care what. Just don’t come crying to me when you’re 98 minutes older and have nothing to show for it(like me).
This one was all my own suggestion, so thanks Bob! Until next time, guys and gals, keep your heads up and in those bad movies!