Character Development: 3/10
Plot Substituted With Girls/Cars: 9/10
I hope everyone enjoyed a nice Thanksgiving with plenty of fixin’s! I ate my fair share, and learned that pie with a side of pie does not constitute a meal…yet. I worked and worked, with very little sleep, and managed to party more than my body could handle(micro-naps, anyone?), and I could not have enjoyed it more! Then it all had to come to a screaching stop when I was told to watch the movie Redline, which was basically made by a very rich 4 year-old with an exotic car collection, an overactive imagination, and a video camera.
Let’s start off by introducing the leading lady, Nat. She is a car genius with her own garage and the lead singer of an unknown band, whose name is not important enough to remember(because I can’t). She does some work on a car for a guy named Infamous(Eddie Griffin), and is offered the chance to race for some serious cash. Her dark past, however, revealed in about 3 pictures and 30 seconds, demands that she never race or else end up like her father(who died in a racecar accident when she was a little girl, and yet she is obviously a professional racer now….). Infamous offers her band a chance to perform instead, so she accepts and flys off to the big city.
This is where too many random elements start getting thrown into the movie, so it’s hard to really describe whats going on…but I’ll try. The main thing to focus on is the illegal racing. If you lose sight of that, you may not have enough breadcrumbs to make it home. The obnoxiously rich people that bet on these illegal races just seem to have infinite money, so whats a couple million dollars, here and there. One of these rich people(hereafter referred to as “rich guy”) falls in love with Nat instantly, and kidnaps her to be his bride(I really wish I was making this up). She is saved by the rich guy’s nephew, who is (ugly) fresh out of the army and ready to kick some ass. They manage to escape the rich guy’s palace and make it home, only to find that Nat’s mother has been kidnapped!
The rich guy that is obsessed with her kidnapped her mom so that Nat would have no choice but to…..race(the marriage thing doesn’t really come up again). She relunctantly agrees, but hatches a plan of her own with the help of the rich guy’s nephew. See, he is really upset that his brother was killed in an illegal race, and wants to take down his uncle, whom he holds personally responsible(in all fairness, the uncle DID force his brother to race under penalty of de-balling). Nat does the race(heh heh….”does”) and is about to win when she slams on the brakes, stopping just shy of the finish line. She gives the rich guy the middle finger through the magical cameras that allow people to follow the races on also-magical monitors, and gets out of the car. When the rich guy calls to have the mom “taken care of”, he is shocked to learn that his nephew rescued her, leaving him boned. He owes 80 million dollars to some mystery figure, and just bankrupt himself on the race. Nat and Army Boy race off towards the sunset, leaving you to go “and……………?” Then it’s over.
I could only imagine you liking this movie is you don’t care about plot devices, acting, writing, or a cohesive story. Also, if all you care about are fast cars, jughead army dudes, and promiscuous girls, this one may just be right up there for you. Speaking of all of the above, this review is dedicated to Pearl, serving our country so that people like me can say she likes to sleep with bunches of dudes(or Honey-Bunches of Dudes, depending). Thanks for the suggestion Carlo, and thanks to everyone who stops by and gets a chuckle or two from this.
Until next time, keep watching bad movies and I’ll keep asking you what they were!