Long, Sustained Shots Of Rubbing Boobs: 8/10
Necessary Sex Scenes: 3/10
Merry X-Mas and a Happy Boxing Day to all! I did pretty well, managed to get a GPS for my car so that I (and the Government) can always know where I am. Turns out the Walgreens is 0.8 miles from my house! Pharmacy scam, anyone? Anyway, what better way to enjoy the holiday season than to watch one of my favorite X-Mas movies ever: Die Hard. Once that was done, I hunkered down and watched what I (and most of the reviewers on Netflix) think was an attempt at a porn movie with a ninja plot. Yes, I Was A Teenage Ninja has a ton of sex scenes in it, so if you are trying to beat the Netflix “No Porn” policy, add this one to the list. If you’re trying to beat something else, then add this to the list as well. But enough of my innuendos, let us begin.
This story begins, like most others, with the introduction of our main character: Sayo, a girl trained to be a Kunoichi, which is apparently Japanese for “a female ninja that fights with her vagina”. Immediately we get to see that they spared quite a lot of expense in the making of this movie, so her outfit is more slutty Halloween costume than tactical ninja garb. She has blue eyes and wears a crucifix around her neck, praying her apologies to God every time she kills another dude.
Backstory Remix!~~When a Christian missionary came to Asia to preach his religion, he fell in love with a local woman and did sex to her. They had a blue-eyed baby girl, and named her Sayo. Unfortunately, the Japanese government outlawed foreign influences and began to hunt down all of the missionaries in the area. A ninja comes out of nowhere and kills Sayo’s father, then moves in to impale the baby. Her mother can’t look, so she just runs away and leaves the baby to die. The ninja, however, doesn’t want to kill babies, so he takes it instead. To add nonsense on to nonsense, he takes the crucifix from Sayo’s dead father and gives it to the baby(completely negating his entire motivation in this movie), which is how she comes to wear it in present day. She is trained in the art of Kunoichi, and spends her days killing.
Basic, right? Have sex, then kill. Easy! One day, her master tells her that the leader of a local rebellion must be stopped, and it will be her most difficult challenge ever in the history of ever. Why? The rebellion leader is none other than her estranged mother, hell-bent on revenge after her husband and child (or so she thought!) were killed by the current Shogunate. She plans to spill the blood of 100 women into a well in order to open up a gate to Hell. She’s up to 98. The 99th is Sayo’s blind friend, and they get the blood by………drum roll please………………having sex with her! The crazy mother has an evil tranny assistant with a barbed penis (it’s getting really real in here right now…) that literally tears s*** up, and they get all the blood they need. When Sayo comes around, everyone realizes who everyone else is, and the mother decides to stop and live a good life………Just Kidding! The mom ties up Sayo with magic and forces her to be boinked so that her blood opens the seal. Sayo traps the tranny’s dong with some Black Arts Penis Prison move (ow!), and her master rushes in to save the day. Sayo is freed, and enters into a show-down with her mom, whom she kills pretty effortlessly. Then she throws down her crucifix and walks off, BAMF style.
So….an extremely simplistic plot with very few twists and turns coupled with lengthy sex scene after lengthy sex scene. The amount of time put in to sustained shots of massaging boobage is almost troubling, and the sexual positions (of which I am fully familiar with…who said I wasn’t?) seem awkward and embarrassing. The main character doesn’t even try to act, relying solely on the fact that she is getting naked half of the time, and her fighting scenes were like watching pee-wee hockey players duke it out. All around bad, but if you’re 14 and your parents were dumb enough to give you a Netflix account, then you have my blessing. Heh Heh, boobs….
OK, kiddies, hope you all are having a wonderful holiday break, and I hope you’re watching whatever bad movies get you through the holidays! Until next time, be excellent to each other!