New Zealand Accents: 9/10
The last post I will be doing for this year, and it’s about a movie that I got very little joy out of watching…that’s about par. This week has been a fun week of getting back to my roots, watching some really interesting movies (and a healthy dose of Buffy The Vampire Slayer thanks to my girlfriend), reading comic books(Deadpool FTW), and writing in my comedy journal once again. Basically, all of the things I enjoy doing in my spare time are colliding in the final week of this year to produce something that is both fascinating and slightly erotic. Winky face. On the less-erotic/fascinating frontier, let’s talk about Crash Test.
Saul has just finished his greatest piece of work: a tell-all book about the secrets of Motorkore, an auto-safety company that he believes is using real people to crash test cars. He plans on looking for a publisher when he gets a phone call from Motorkore asking him to come in for a meeting. You can probably guess what the meeting is about… When they’re attempt to sway him from publishing the book fails, he gets a phone call that his car is being towed. In his rush to save his automobile from certain doom(and a bunch of useless fines), he doesn’t notice the people standing around waiting to drug him….until its too late(cliché alert!).
Here’s where the story begins to become slightly wacky. The Motorkore Corporation performs some strange surgery (they don’t really explain what they add or remove) in order to turn Saul into a human crash test dummy. From the audience perspective, it looks like they just shaved his head, but apparently he can now handle very extreme crashes and survive thanks to whatever it is that they did to him. They welcome him into the family (glazing over the whole “kidnapping” thing) and begin to train him to crash into things(I was unaware you needed to train for that). He meets a friend who teaches him the ropes, and soon he is on his way to becoming the world’s greatest crash test dummy.
After some time has passes, Saul waits for the perfect opportunity and plans his escape. Thanks to the sacrifice of his one and only friend on the inside, he is able to get away and run home to see his girlfriend….who hits him with her car. When she realizes who he is and what has been done to him, she is understandably freaked, but nevertheless resolves to help him out. Unfortunately, no one can help him elude his pursuers, who are dead-set on bringing him back to Motorkore, so he offers them one final deal. One final crash. The ultimate crash. I could try to build this up, but all that he does is kidnap the person who kidnapped him in the first place, and asks her to pick a tree. Then, he rams that tree head-on and wishes everyone a fair morrow’s eve(and “Merry Christmas Movie House”), while the viewing public doesn’t even get to see a decent crash. Rip-off.
Modern films shot in black and white are a bad idea. Don’t do it. Maybe colored film hasn’t reached New Zealand yet (and with the special effects I’ve seen in this movie, I would believe it), or maybe New Zealand isn’t as colorful as I’ve always heard…either way, bad call. Also, don’t make some random German punk-metal band (despite how awesome that may sound) the people who write your soundtrack. Finally, get people who have acted at least once before. Trust me, it helps. I really don’t recommend this movie to anyone, there was nothing in it that you could take away for an even remotely cathartic experience. Go rent Rocky 4.
Have a safe and awesome New Years, and don’t you dare remember it in the morning! Until next year, keep watching those bad movies while time keeps moving along…