Grease 2

Songs: 1/10

Relatable Characters: 1/10

Motorcycle Stunts: 5/10

If I was going to make a sequel to Grease, I think that I could do a better job of writing songs and choreographing dances than the semi-tard that they got to do it for Grease 2.  That’s really only funny if you’ve ever seen me try to dance(and if I’ve done my job right, very few of you have).  The problem with making a sequel to a movie like Grease is that it holds a very special place in the hearts of many people, and that’s partially because it said all there was to say.  A lovely story about changing yourself to make other people like you, it had all of the elements (like an actual play behind it) perfectly combined into a toe-tapping good time(plus, John Travolta pre-crazy).  If you disagree, then you might be a semi-tard yourself.  Let’s rock.

All of your favorite side characters return (regardless of whether it makes sense or not) to what we can assume is the next year at Rydell High after Grease.  The only reason I say this is because Frenchy comes back to finish her highschool edumication after becoming a Beauty School Drop-out(summed up in about one sentence by her).  The T-Birds are now led by a skinny little guy named Johnny who can’t decide whether he’s a coward or a tough guy, and the rest of the Birds are gross caricatures of New York mobsters mixed with the original T-Birds.  The Pink Ladies, now led by Michelle Pfeiffer, have moved on from being the coolest chicks in school who play by their own rules to being nothing more than the exclusive property of the T-Birds, bound by some samurai-type code to date no one else(I’m aware that they follow that standard in the first Grease, but now it’s like an unbreakable oath that they keep mentioning).

Story time!  The new kid this year is Maxwell, and of course he has an accent.  He falls in love with Michelle Pfeiffer’s character, Stephanie, at first sight, but gets put in his place right away!  Only a T-Bird can date a Pink Lady, so he needs to keep dreaming or completely change who he is!  After thinking about it, he saves up some money by selling school papers to half of his class and buys a motorcycle in the hopes of showing that he can be a badass.  Once he learns how to ride it, he becomes a professional stunt-cyclist some how and creates an alternate persona known only as “that guy on the motorcycle”.  Stephanie falls for his secret identity (Batman Forever style), but then is not sure she really wants to be with him (also Batman Forever style), because he could just be some regular guy.  She wants to date only the badassiest of badasses, so anything less won’t do.

Even without the helmet, the goggles still hide his true identity from her...

Meanwhile, Maxwell isn’t doing too bad with Stephanie by impressing her with his smarts and charisma, even though she is a half-wit grease monkey who loves leather, and he prefers sweater vests and cravats.  She still prefers his alter-ego, though, so when the T-Birds chase him down on his motorcycle, he fakes his death by jumping Dead Man’s Curve(yeah, they actually put in a place called Dead Man’s Curve…hahahaha), and Stephanie is devastated.  How can she enjoy the School Luau (?) with her mystery man gone?  She is crowned princess of the luau (wtf?) due to singing a random ass song at the school talent show (seriously….wtf?), but even that doesn’t lift her spirits.  When the luau (…..) is crashed by the rival gang of the T-Birds, Maxwell mysteriously shows up and tricks the gang into riding their motorcycles into the pool.  Apparently they are weak against water, because this makes them go away and everybody relaxes.  Stephanie realizes Maxwell is the BAMF she’s been looking for, and instead of deciding that the stupid T-Bird/Pink Lady rule is bogus, they make Maxwell a T-Bird to avoid the whole mess.  And everybody will be together forever, whatever the hell that means…

Did. Not. Like.  I’m a Grease fan, since the time I was little tyke to present day, and I’m proud to say it.  There was nothing here that allowed me to relate to the characters, the songs were extremely campy and poorly written(I don’t give a crap that you are about to start “bowlin’ and rock’n’rollin”), and all of the call backs to the original film/play were over-exaggerated and distracting.  One fun thing was that there was a character named “Goose”, played by Christopher McDonald, whom I kept pretending was my friend, also named “Goose”.  Other than that, this was a waste of time for me (and probably for all of you as well), so unless your friends have funny names, stay away!

Thanks to Michele for the suggestion, I hope the next one is slightly less inclined to make me hate life.  Until next time, keep watching bad movies to support the bad actors and directors…they need love too!

P.S. Why the hell hasn’t Eugene graduated yet?

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One Response to Grease 2

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