Stephen King Cameo: 3/10
Monster Incest: 9/10
From the haunting and chilling mind of Stephen King comes this story about cats! Or cat-people……? People-vampire-cats? Peopirats? Well, it’s about the last of the Sleepwalkers, an ancient race of cat-like monsters that are supposedly the basis for the modern vampire myth(or “mythos” if you want to sound like a douche). They move from town to town(or “towen” if you’re in to druid sacrifices), catching young girls to feed off of before they move. I’m not sure why it has to be young girls, but it does! All of the other people that they kill just seem to be thrown away like yesterdays chew toys. Oh, and apparently the only thing that can kill them is a cat. Yes, a cat.
Our story begins like so many of my dreams, with a creepy house that has been decorated with many dead cats hung outside. None other than Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill, plays the bit part of a local cop who discovers the remains of a girl seemingly drained of life and stuffed in a closet. Something happened here…. Meanwhile, Charles and his mother move in to a new house in a new neighborhood, and begin to dance and sex each other up(weak). Charles is obviously a ‘sleepwalker’, and he is so brash that he even writes a poem about sleepwalkers to share with his English class. Tanya, the girl he wants to bring home for dinner(get it?), hears the sadness in his poem, and wants to reach out to him. After some initial flirting, they are both set for a romantic picnic in a cemetery(oh Stephen King…).
Before Charles can get to the cemetery, however, he first has to rip off the hand of his English teacher for being a pervert, and then messes with the local cops before turning invisible to escape. For some reason the cops have a pet cat, and that doesn’t sit to well with Charles. Once he settles down, he heads to the cemetery for his bait date, and wastes almost no time in going after Tanya’s sweet essence. She is able to bean him in the face with her camera because this is apparently his first time in his long life restraining a teenage girl, and she runs for safety. Luckily, the cop that Charles was being chased by spotted his car while doing a routine cemetery drive-by, and is ready to investigate the scene…with his cat. Charles chases Tanya, running right into a cat-tastrophe(I’m awesome), and is only able to kill the cop before he needs to run from that mean old kitty.
When Charles runs back to his house(which is slowly being surrounded by cats..I’m not sure why), his mother is shocked to see that her baby boy is at death’s door. She decides that play time is over, and goes to pay Tanya a little visit. She kills the cops that are there(she kills one with a cob of corn to the back!), and dispatches the parents just as quickly. Ron Perlman even makes a small appearance, but then he is ended as well. The mother takes Tanya to see Charles, and forces her to dance with him in his fully transformed state(which is pretty ugly). The only cop that’s not dead (yet) busts into the house to save Tanya at the last minute, and they both run out to the car in hopes of making a clean getaway. Charles gets killed from a wicked eye-gouging, and the mother is so pissed that she risks facing the cat army outside to kill Tanya. Too bad for her, because the cats maul the crap out of her and somehow set her on fire. Somehow. Tanya is the only survivor aside from the cats, and she still has no idea what the hell is going on.
Not too bad at all, actually. Stephen King made his usual cameo at the most random time, which was actually funny for what it was, and I didn’t mind the bad effects since I expected much worse. Honestly, I wish I had read the book before I watched this, but you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, I guess. If you have nothing to do and just want a lazy Sunday movie to watch, then I think that this would be a great pick. Also, if you’re a cat person who wants to see the little furballs actually do something, then this is right up your alley. Me? I’m a dog person.
A special shout out to Fernando for suggesting this movie to me, I’m glad I have added yet another movie where people turn in to animal monsters to my reviews. Until next time, ladies and gents, stay classy and watch bad movies.