Excessive Flexing: 9/10
Welcome to a special duel post here on Bob’s Bad Movie Blog. To see the counter-review and voting box for Conan The Barbarian, please visit The Awesome Man’s Burden. In the mean time, hunker down for some movie ass-kickery right here.
First, here’s what you’ll need to gather before you start watching Conan The Barbarian: Some form of hard liquor, any kind of meat wrapped in bacon, a couple of gallons of mud(in case of a Predator attack mid-movie), a blanket made out of some kind of dead animal(preferably wolf), and a wench. The wench is really optional, but if you get bored it’s always nice to know that you have a back-up plan. Once all of the elements are in place, you can sit down and realize that nowhere on that list was the actual movie or a TV, and you’re free to enjoy a nice meal with a drink and a nap(hold on to the mud…just in case).
We first meet Conan The Bedwetter at the tender age of 5, when his father is teaching him about the only god that really matters, Krum. Suddenly, his village is attacked by warriors led by the fearsome (and blue-eyed?) James Earl Jones, who slaughters the adults and captures the children to be put into slavery. Over the next 15 years or so, Conan is forced to turn a wheel that apparently does absolutely nothing except move a big rock around, but with the added side-effect of transforming a scrawny boy into a roid-raged freak of muscle. Realizing that his talents are being wasted, his masters decide to throw him into a pit to see how he’ll fare against another man in mortal combat(I’m pretty sure he fights Baraka). His initial efforts to turn his opponent fail, but when he realizes he can stab them in the neck, the blood flies like gangbusters. Soon he is the champion of the pit(flawless victories in the pit means he unlocks Reptile!), and is ready for his next challenge: swordsmanship. After he masters that in about a second, everyone decides that Conan doesn’t belong in the camp anymore, and his freedom is granted(or more accurately, they kick him out of slavery).
With his shackles gone and the world at his feet, Conan stumbles along until he finds a sword in a cave (Zelda style) and some clothes that thought they were wolves. They were wrong. His adventures are only beginning, though, because he soon has (barbarian) sex with a demon, teams up with a (barbarian) thief, meets a blond (barbarian) babe, and robs an entire (non-barbarian) temple, using the cash to party like a…..whats the word I’m looking for….oh yeah! Like a barbarian. The local king (played by movie badass Max Von Sydow) isn’t too pleased with his actions, but recognizes that Conan is a young go-getter, and so offers him a job: bring back the princess who has run off with some scumbag. If he can pull it off, which should be no problem for a man of his unnatural size, he can be king(this probably isn’t actually the deal, but I was drinking and it might as well be true). Despite the objections of his friends, Conan nuts up and agrees to do it, especially when he realizes that the scumbag in question is the same man who murdered his family: Darth Earl Jones.
In the years since then, he has been busy establishing a snake cult around the world known as the Children of Doom(it sounds way cooler than it actually is), and Conan decides that it would be a good idea to infiltrate it to get to the boss. He is discovered immediately, and his friends find him days later hung on a tree just about to die from a severe case of getting his ass kicked. He recovers with the help of some magic(why not), and they all form a real plan to go in a get the princess that may actually work. Painted up in camouflage, they break into the temple of the cobra commander and kill everyone(ok, so it wasn’t much of a plan), grabbing the girl and escaping while there is still time to spare. James Earl Jones turns into a snake (???) and escapes through a little whole, pissed at the uninvited guests and vowing revenge. He kills the blond barbarian babe, and sends a small army after Conan to teach him a lesson, but they didn’t realize who the f*** they were messing with. Conan prays to Krum for the first time ever, and then proceeds to go apes**t on anyone that comes near him. He returns to the temple at night and takes off Vader’s head as the phrase “I’m your father” comes out of it, sparing us from hearing that it is impossible, and everyone realizes that the party is over. Conan returns home and is made a king…by his own hand.
Despite the murderation that goes on, as well as the hilarity of the Snarlnolds(that’s what I call the sound that Arnold makes when words can’t quite be formed by his mouth), there is a monotonous tone that is carried across the entire movie caused by a lack of dialogue and the inability to really believe any of the characters. Granted, if you’re watching a movie like this for character development, then you have bigger problems than a couple of drowsy moments, but I still felt it was worth mentioning. If you’re a young boy who is confused about his sexuality and you want to watch a movie where you can point to boobs, male or female, then this is for you(likewise, if you’re just a dude that likes to see boobs). As far as Schwarzenegger movies go, though, this one can’t touch Twins(kidding) or my personal favorite, Total Recall(Get your ass to Mars). If you haven’t seen Conan The Barbarian, go find 2 hours of your life that you really don’t need anymore and throw them away on it. If you’re still hungry for adventure, then hopefully you held on to that wench I told you to get.
A very special thanks goes out to Chako, author of The Awesome Man’s Burden, for both the suggestion and the venue to watch it, as well as making it through most of the movie with me(my ability to watch bad movies is far beyond that of mortal men, awesome or not). I hope you all enjoy the duel-review(you can vote on Chako’s blog for your favorite), and to all of you movie fans out there, I’d just like to say one thing: Keep America Strong-Watch Bad Movies.
P.S. Get to the choppa.