Unnecessary (but completely acceptable) Boob Shots: 8/10
Shots From The Video Game: 10/10
Everybody has played their favorite video game and wished in the back of their minds, “I wish this was a movie”. Really, though, when you start to think about how much the movie would blow compared to the game, you realize how naive and foolish you were to have dreams, and how glad you are that no one is going to make that movie(we all remember the Super Mario Brothers fiasco). Well, bad movie pioneer Uwe Boll decided that he would produce and direct a movie version of House Of The Dead, a first-person shooter arcade game that nobody likes(I’ve checked…nobody), to see if he could show people that video game movies could be great. Uwe Boll is an idiot. What I don’t understand is why he didn’t start with Time Crisis, which is the s**t.
As the opening credits, which are composed of nothing but a montage from the video games, begin to fade, we are introduced to who we may assume is the main character, Rudy. He tells us that if his friends had never come to the rave on the mysterious Isle De La Muerte(Island Of The Dead…ooooooooooh), that they would all still be alive today(I think he is foreshadowing, but I’m not quite sure). We then get to meet his friends, all happy and alive in the past, trying to get a boat to take them to the island. They have missed their ferry ride by about 15 minutes, and so have to try to hire the local fishing boat to take them where they need to be. Captain Kirk(the awesome Jurgen Prochnow) and his first mate Salish(the ugly Clint Howard) agree to take them for the humble price of $1000, even though they warn that the island is haunted by evil spirits(plus, Kirk wants to avoid the Coast Guard who wants to search his boat, so he needs to skedaddle).
Once they are on the island, they realize that it’s a little too quiet, and then they are attacked by zombies. All kinds of zombies. They run until they find an old house in the middle of the woods, and there they run into their good ol’ pal Rudy. He explains that everyone from the rave is dead, and zombies have taken over the island(apparently it needed explaining). While they realize how boned they are, Captain Kirk decides that it would be a good time to show off his illegal cargo: an assload of weapons. Everyone grabs as much artillery as they can handle, and they run right in to the middle of a zombie horde to deal an obnoxious amount of bullets to their feral enemies. After about 15 minutes of fake bullet time, video game clips, and highlights of everyone’s best kills, the movie finally picks up when they are back at the front door of the house that they started in…without ammo(all they need to do is shoot off-screen to reload, everyone knows that).
By the time they make it inside, they are down to about 3 people and no guns. They begin to explore the house and discover the secret rooms where the zombies are made, when they are ambushed by some more zombies! One friend decides that he wants to kill himself because his face is all manly and scarred, so he holds off the zombies long enough for his friends to escape, and then blows the place with kegs of gunpowder and a bullet(I guess he had one left…). Rudy and Alicia, the only ones left, get attacked by more zombies and finally meet the man responsible….a zombie. In his quest to live forever, he discovered how to make zombies, and so he uses the zombies to get bodies parts that he can then use for himself. Obvious, right? They manage to escape and blow up his lab, but he survives and comes after them. Alicia and Mr. Zombie have a random and pointless sword fight, and then Rudy takes off his head with an axe. Alicia stomps the crap out of it, and the day is apparently saved. They killed ALL of the zombies.
Let’s recap: Uwe Boll couldn’t produce or direct himself out of a paper bag. Putting screen shots from the video game in a movie every five minutes is NOT a good idea(and slightly annoying). Clint Howard is ugly as a zombie, but uglier as a real person. Jurgen Prochnow is a badass. If you kill the head zombie, all other zombies disappear. I think that about covers it. If you are an actual fan of the video games and thoroughly enjoyed this movie, I can understand the simplistic nature of that joy. There was a fair amount of zombie killing for such a short film, and it never really stopped the whole time. If you are in to the whole zombie craze, then you do need to watch this one, if only for the various different types of zombies(my favorites are the mossy zombies that come out of the wall in the sewer).
Thanks to Chako for the movie suggestion, and thanks to all of those who participated in our Conan The Barbarian blog-off(there’s still time to vote if you haven’t). Until next time, keep watching the bad movies to impress girls and scare children.
P.S. Best Quote Of The Movie: “These are zombies, pure and simple.”