Black Belt Jones

Character Names: 9/10

EOAK(Equal Opportunity Ass Kicking): 9/10

Jim Kelly’s Afro: 10/10

To give you some rare insight into my personal views, Enter The Dragon is one of my favorite movies.  It has everything that a guy like me (i.e. who you want to be) could possibly want, and goes well with any occasion(weddings/funerals included).  Riding on the coattails of that great movie, Jim Kelly decided to take his Afro-fu big time with the release of Black Belt Jones, a blaxploitation film in the style of “Shaft meets Bruce Lee”.  The result?  Non-stop movie dominance from start to finish.  Word.  I had so much fun watching the exploits of Jones (Black Belt, not Indiana) as he traveled from his spacious beach house to the inner city, where he was loved and respected by all.  I also liked watching him kick the crap out of anyone he touched, especially when paired with the kung-fu sound effects of the 1970’s.  It’s magical.

The government (I’m not sure which branch, but it’s THE government) is trying to get information on some Italian mobsters, but all of the agents that they send in keep ending up asleep with the fishes.  They turn to Black Belt Jones for help, but he doesn’t need to risk his neck for some crackers(white people…not the snack food), so he walks on.  Meanwhile, the mobsters visit Pinky, whose a dear old friend of theirs as well as the local loan shark.  It would seem that Pinky has been skimming money from the mob, and they have come to collect what they are owed.  They want the money, or if they can’t get that, then they want the deed to a kung-fu dojo in the city called  The Black Byrd.  That area is going to become a civic center, so that land is very valuable.  Pinky knows that Papa Byrd (I love these names) owns that particular dojo, so he sends some of his boys to do some negotiating.

As you can imagine, a kung-fu dojo is not the best place to try to use muscle, so his boys get whooped pretty bad.  They try returning at night, but Black Belt Jones has been called in to help(it’s his dojo too!).  He fights them all in the dark (“Batman mothaf**ka!!”), and they once again leave with their respective tails between their legs.  While licking their wounds, they discover Papa Byrd all by himself in a bar, and decide it’s time to rough him up and show him that they mean business.  Papa Byrd tells them that the dojo belongs to Sydney, but they accidentally hit him too hard after that and kill him(I expected more of a fight from a guy who ran a dojo all his life).  Sydney turns out to be Papa Byrd’s estranged daughter, and she can kick ass too!  She comes in to town and beats up all of Pinky’s men (I don’t understand how those guys have jobs) and then discusses the future of the dojo with Jones over some coffee.  Pinky is so upset, that he hires some extra-tough goons that he calls “bogarts” to take his revenge.  He visits the dojo one more time, and this time he has the physical edge.  He kidnaps a kid and tells them that he wants the dojo or $250,000 for the boy’s safe return.  Oh snap.

There's no reason for him to do that pose...but it's rad.

Black Belt Jones has a plan, and all it requires are some girls on trampolines (awesome plan), masks, Polaroid cameras, and some grappling-hook guns.  He breaks in to the mafia’s secret layer, and finds their stash of cash hidden in a wine barrel.  He takes as much as he needs, and get’s out of there before he has to beat up everyone(he only takes out about 10-15 people).  When he get’s the money to Pinky, he is not-so-surprised to learn that it’s a trap, and the beating of a lifetime is in the near future(he can’t unload his fists into their faces because they have the kid at gunpoint).  Thankfully, Sydney is there(let the girls fight!).  She saves the kidnapped boy, and Jones is free to stomp some ass without fear of that kid getting hurt.  Afterwards, he makes it home for some tender love-making with Sydney, and Pinky gets blamed for robbing the mob(after all, he gives them their own money back).  Pinky explains that none of his men can do kung-fu(because they’re all so fat), so everybody comes after Jones in full force.  There is a chase scene, and the final battle takes place at a car wash that is quickly filling the area with suds.  Black Belt Jones spends the next 15 minutes beating up everybody that was in the entire movie, and Sydney throws them all in a garbage truck.  When they are finished the cops show up, and everything is groovy.  Straight out of a comic book.

First, I’d like to say that I commend Black Belt Jones for sporting a yellow Pinto in this movie.  Not many people can make that car look sweet, but he kicked it into the badass-osphere.  His hair was flawless, as were all of the afros featured, and his fighting style was reminiscent of Bruce Lee(that’s putting it mildly).  I recommend this movie for everyone, provided that you don’t get offended by strong language or people getting their faces whip-cracked.  A landmark film in the kung-fu era of the 70’s, this was a fun watch, and if you choose not to see it, then you are a jive turkey(am I able to pull that off?).

Until next time, kids, keep watching as many bad movies as you can, or I will kick you in whatever reproductive organ is within reach.


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