Special Post: *The 2011 Razzies*

Every year, the Academy Awards are blared across every TV, newspaper, and radio station to promote the success of the people who make the movies that will go down in history.  They give awards to the actors, the editors, the sound guys, and the people who just threw money around because they were bored, and we the people watch it happen so that the next day we can be the one in our group of friends that knows who won what.  Let me be frank: I don’t give a crap.  How can I stomach watching a group of spoiled bitches pat themselves on the back for four hours because they did they’re job?  I know, I can hear it now: “But Bob, Black Swan was sooooo amazing!” or  “OMG, Inception FTW” or how about “The Social Network is true, so its really deep”.  Listen, the fact that millions of people see a movie should be enough, but Hollywood has to ensure that it’s many golden geese are able to lay eggs the next year, and the Oscars act as a great publicity event to do just that. There is another (Skywalker?) award, though.  An award that does not praise good movies, but insults bad ones.  I am talking, of course, about The Razzies.  Every year, the worst movies and actors get their comeuppance, and the bad movie legacy that I know and love lives on.  Let’s check out this year’s nominees!

Worst Picture

  • The Bounty Hunter
  • The Last Airbender
  • Sex And The City 2
  • Twilight Saga: Eclipse
  • Vampires Suck

I’m going to have to pull for Vampires Suck on this one, because sitting through that movie was like being mind-raped by a retarded child with ESP.  I did a pretty crappy review of it early on in this blog, and since it’s the only review I’ve done of a recent movie, that should tell you something. Worst Actor

  • Jack Black-Gulliver’s Travels
  • Gerard Butler-The Bounty Hunter
  • Ashton Kutcher-Killers/Valentines Day
  • Taylor Lautner-Twilight Saga: Eclipse/Valentines Day
  • Robert Pattinson-Twilight Saga: Eclipse/Remember Me

This is a tough one, but I think it really comes down to the Twilight guys, and if I had to choose between the two, then Taylor Lautner gets my vote.  Sorry Shark Boy, but I can only take so much of your sh**-eating grin and worthless on-camera tough/sweet guy act.  Stop bleaching your teeth and learn how to emote.

Douchebag.

Worst Actress

  • Jennifer Aniston-The Bounty Hunter/The Switch
  • Miley Cyrus-The Last Song
  • The Four “Gal Pals”-Sex And The City 2
  • Megan Fox-Jonah Hex
  • Kristen Stewart-Twilight Saga: Eclipse

As much as I would love to say Kristen Stewart for this, I can’t overlook that fact that both Miley Cyrus and the pack of hyenas from Sex And The City 2 are supernaturally terrible.  One on one, I believe Miley could out-crap any of them, but since all four women from that movie are nominated, I have to go with the Four “Gal Pals”.

Seriously, who wants to look at that for 2 hours?

Worst Supporting Actor

  • Billy Ray Cyrus-The Spy Next Door
  • George Lopez-Marmaduke/The Spy Next Door/Valentines Day
  • Dev Patel-The Last Airbender
  • Jackson Rathbone-The Last Airbender/Twilight Saga: Eclipse
  • Rob Schneider-Grown Ups

Since George Lopez was probably just going along for the ride, and Dev Patel was seemingly the most convincing actor in Airbender, I’m not really going to count those two.  Rob Schneider is to the point where he really has to try to out-do himself at bad performances, and I don’t think he has been able to recreate the magic of The Animal, so he’s out, too.  Between Jackson Rathbone and Billy Ray Cyrus(both deserving a rock to the face), my pick is Mr. Achy Breaky Heart.

Mr. Cyrus, there is nothing good about who you are.

Worst Supporting Actress

  • Jessica Alba-The Killer Inside Me/Little Fockers/Machete/Valentines Day
  • Cher-Burlesque
  • Liza Minnelli-Sex And The City 2
  • Nicola Peltz-The Last Airbender
  • Barbara Streisand-Little Fockers

Where do I start?  I’m pretty sure Cher isn’t real, so I refuse to give an award to a withered old bag of chemicals.  Likewise with Liza Minnelli.  I’d say something bad about Barbara Streisand, but then I might get lynched by every gay and Jewish person that I know.  Nicola Peltz is insignificant, and that leaves us with only one option.  Sorry, Jessica Alba, but if your going to allow yourself to be nominated for 4 different movies in the same bad category, you deserve to win it.

Stick to what your good at (I'll give you a hint: it's not acting).

Worst Eye-Gouging Mis-Use Of 3D

  • Cats & Dogs 2: The Revenge Of Kitty Galore
  • Clash Of The Titans
  • The Last Airbender
  • The Nutcracker 3D
  • Saw 3D(Saw VII)

This is actually a brand new category invented for 2010!  It would seem that because 3D films have gotten so obnoxiously constant, they need to be recognized.  Nutcracker is of no consequence, and Airbender doesn’t really come in to play when compared to the other ones up here.  Even though Titans and Saw were horrible in their respective ways, Cats & Dogs really had no business being in 3D in the first place, so I think it will be walking away a winner(or loser, depending on how you look at it).

I wouldn't even want to see this in 2D. Animal abuse.

Worst Screen Couple/Worst Screen Ensemble

  • Jennifer Aniston & Gerard Butler-The Bounty Hunter
  • Josh Brolin’s Face & Megan Fox’s Accent-Jonah Hex
  • The Entire Cast-The Last Airbender
  • The Entire Cast-Sex And The City 2
  • The Entire Cast-Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Wow, this is a hard one.  I’ll narrow it down to the Twilight cast and the Jonah Hex duo, and here’s why.  Based strictly on being a worse couple, the Jonah Hex combo of Josh Brolin’s horrible face job and Megan Fox’s inability to do anything meaningful combines in an almost beautifully pathetic way.  Really, the only way to fight that is to assemble a cast that could somehow get actors nominated in all various categories of a bad movie award show.  That’s right, based on nominations alone, Twilight Saga: Eclipse hits this one out of the park.

Alone they are powerful, but together they are an unstoppable hurricane of horrible.

Worst Director

  • Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer-Vampires Suck
  • Michael Patrick King-Sex And The City 2
  • M. Night Shyamalan-The Last Airbender
  • David Slade-Twilight Saga: Eclipse
  • Sylvester Stallone-The Expendables

The director is the guy that takes the reigns and drives a movie to success…or epic failure.  My personal hatred of M. Night Shyamalan wants me to say that he deserves this award for everything that he’s ever done, but his competition this year is just too stiff.  Michael Patrick King deserves an award for staring at four succubi throughout an entire filming, so I can’t fault him for doing a crappy job.  I’m saying that this one goes to Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer for pulling it together and directing worse than any one man ever could.

I wish I could turn them into one person so I could beat the crap out of them at the same time.

Worst Screenplay

  • The Last Airbender
  • Little Fockers
  • Sex And The City 2
  • Twilight Saga: Eclipse
  • Vampires Suck

This is where we need to pick the worst film based off of the worst story, not the crap that they did to it afterwards.  Airbender and Twilight get a pass because they were based off of existing material, and I’m not sure that Vampies Suck even had a screenplay(I think they just made it up as they went along).  Little Fockers was horrible, yes, but it didn’t go too long and it still had relevant humor(dick jokes are always acceptable).  Once again, I’m going with Sex And The City 2, because whoever wrote it (Michael Patrick King) was under the impression that we all gave a rat’s ass about any part of that story.

Seriously, nobody cares.

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off Or Sequel

  • Clash Of The Titans
  • The Last Airbender
  • Sex And The City 2
  • Twilight Saga: Eclipse
  • Vampires Suck

This category has become extremely relevant in the past couple of years, and it’s a shame that I am forced to pick the worst one out of these horrendous choices.  Since I can’t say it’s a 5-way tie, though, I’ll vote for Twilight Saga: Eclipse, because I hate the books, the previous movies, and the impending future movies that will no doubt suck as well.  Also, a huge contributing factor to this decision is that this movie (and each one before it) has the most annoying fan base in history, forcing me to dread its very presence, and despise the fact that they keep making more.

My fists can't repel lameness of this magnitude.

There you have it, the 2010 Razzie nominees, and my picks for each one.  Feel free to vote below for your picks.  Keep watching those bad movies, even though these give bad movies a bad name.

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3 Responses to Special Post: *The 2011 Razzies*

  1. celebs911 says:

    at least in Sex in the City we got to see some cool fashion:) I’m the perpetual optimist, I try to find something positive in every negative:)
    Good review!

    • kurosword says:

      There is nothing positive about 4 vultures being filmed wearing different dresses in every scene, each of which is expensive enough to feed a starving nation for a year.

      • Parmesh says:

        That episode makes me cry every time! I’ve been rehwtcaing the original series as a sort of personal protest of the film, and to reassure myself that the show was awesome and stands on its own. Hopefully the movie will bomb so bad that they won’t make a second one, and then they’ll never get the chance to ruin my PRECIOUS TOPH, OMG. From what I’ve heard the movie has terrible dialogue, and most of the funny moments from the show are gone. And as I’m watching this wonderful show again, I keep thinking, “how could ANYONE think these characters are white?!” Sigh!

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