Pocket Ninjas

Excessive Montages: 10/10

Dangerous Villains: 1/10

Fight Choreography: 1/10

I’ve got a special one for ya’ll today!  My quest has brought me to the IMDB Bottom 100 Movies, and let me tell you that there are some impressive titles on there.  One that caught my, Pocket Ninjas, is currently listed at #8, and is a former #1 title holder.  Of course, this immediately garnered my respect, and I set out to see just how small these ninjas were.  I was disappointed.  In my head, I had visions of three-inch-tall ninjas running around and stabbing ankles, but instead I was treated to some bratty kids making crappy jokes and kicking like fetal cows.  Anyway, here’s my review of Pocket Ninjas (or, better yet, Bitch-Kid Ninjas)…

Three friends – Tanya, Steve, and Damien – are all hanging out at karate practice when their teacher, Master Jack (played by former kick-boxer Gary Daniels), sits them down for a little chat.  He explains that the Cobra Khan is in the city, and is filling the environment with toxic waste (Captain Planet style!).  He then tells them the legend of the White Dragon, a warrior who wears a magical mask that gives him super fighting ability.  Afterwards, he gives each of the kids their own masks (complete with magical fighting ability) and tells them that they must protect the city from the Cobra Khan and it’s evil.  They go out (rollerblading) and beat up some muggers, who just so happen to work for the Cobra Khan, and soon the world’s longest, most pointless training montages begin.  Oh, and the leader of the Cobra Khan is a little kid….we’re talking 8 or 9.

After some not-so-intense training, Steve and Damien share some White Dragon comic books with Tanya, and they all try to figure out the White Dragon’s backstory.  After making up the story that their master is the White Dragon, they go back to their dojo and discover that their master is the White Dragon.  Trippy.  Master Jack begins to worry that the children are in too much danger, and takes the masks back to ensure their safety.  They rebel, as kids these days do, and plan to take out the Cobra Khan once and for all.  It’s too bad that the Cobra Khan has kidnapped Damien’s mommy in anticipation of an upcoming battle.

State-of-the-art graphics for 1997.

Damien and Steve steal their masks back in order to save Damien’s mom, while Tanya goes to get their master for help.  He cannot fight in his current condition(a bullet grazed his side….ouch), but he gives Tanya his White Dragon mask so that she may use it’s power to win the day.  They fight through all 4 or 5 of the Cobra Khan’s goons (weak), but the little bastard that they need to beat up runs off into another room.  They follow, and it turns out that he has a big virtual reality game console, with which he challenges them to one-on-one battles.  Things get really stupid here, and I guess that it’s just easier to say that they win, and the evil kid disappears.  They saved the universe, apparently.

Pure horrible, that’s for sure.  The “virtual reality game” mentioned above is possibly the worst thing I have ever witnessed.  It consists of two guys pretending to be controlled like in a Mortal Kombat-type game, while the kids just punch the air to give the illusion that they are worth something.  The actors obviously think this movie is a joke, and the story feels like it was cranked out in about an hour by some very bored home-schooled kids (that’s supposed to be an insult to home-schooled kids…).  The only reason this movie reaches the incredible running time of 76 minutes is due to the fact that there is literally a half hour of pointless montage that I guarantee you will not give a crap about (and I’m a man who loves his montages).  For all my bad movie brothers out there, watch it and enjoy.  For all normal people, don’t even waste your time, it’s better spent being a terrible person.

Until next time, pocket peoples, keep watching those bad movies, or the Cobra Khan will challenge you to a video game battle.

P.S.  A Real Pocket Ninja!

This entry was posted in IMDB Top 100 Worst Movies, Movie Review and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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