Prison A-Go-Go!

Shower Scenes: 8/10*

Rape Jokes: 7/10

Pointless Zombies: 10/10

I had no idea what to expect from this one, seeing as every review that I read for it focused on a different aspect of its craziness.  There was one recurring theme, though: shower scenes.  Yes, that was what seemed to be the focal point for most people, and yes, I have to agree.  I mean, the makers were even kind enough to put a clock on the bottom of the screen that would count down to the next one (it was called the “shower clock”!).  If you’ve ever heard of the sexploitation movies that center around female prisons, then you have a good idea of what I’m talking about.  The classics like Chained Heat, Chained Heat 2, and Caged Heat (not to be confused with Red Heat starring The Terminator and Jim Belushi) lay the framework for Prison A-Go-Go!, a fun-filled romp to a female prison in the Philipines that feeds the eyes and confuses the mind.

The whole thing begins when Janie finds out that her roommate has been kidnapped and taken to a women’s prison in the Philipines.  How does she know this?  One of the kidnappers dropped a business card for the crazy professor that works there.  Janie decides that she needs to get arrested in order to investigate, and kills a local bum with a crowbar.  Once at the prison, she is quickly introduced to the wacky inmates that include a woman who rapes the prison guards, a woman who smuggles anything into the prison in her ass, a woman addicted to freon (or as they call it, “ice”), and another girl who acts crazy and calls everyone “bitch”.  The rapist, called “Jackpot”, seems to run the place and starts to show Janie the ropes, telling her about the crazy scientist that does experiments on the inmates.  I think by this point there has already been a shower scene.

Meanwhile, Dr. Hurtrider (standard mad-scientist) is shown in his lab, toiling away in his efforts to cure….something.  Or nothing.  He really doesn’t have a clue.  He thinks that he can cure….something (or nothing)….by genetically combining a woman with a porcupine, and Janie’s roommate is his test subject.  He tortures the inmates by forcing them to watch movies starring Robin Williams (some kill themselves), and his failed experiments become flesh-eating zombies (the best kind of zombies) that he keeps locked up in a cage.  The new warden (fresh out of Warden Night School) learns all of this and more as he lazily makes his rounds and avoids doing any real work (a man after my heart).

I wish every movie could find the time to put ninjas in somewhere.

Things start to happen when a band of ninjas invade the prison (seriously) in the hopes of catching the cafeteria on Sushi Day, but are gravely mistaken.  One gets captured, and becomes an inmate that befriends Janie and the gang.  They form a plan to escape, and Janie goes to rescue her roommate.  When she finds the porcupine-girl (girl-cupine?), she handles the oddity pretty well, and helps the poor thing escape from Dr. Hurtrider.  In a fit of rage, Hurtrider decides to release his zombies to chase them, but the flesh-eaters dine on him instead (they apparently only eat men…sexist).  During all of this, the other inmates have started a prison riot, and a giant battle royale has broken out.  The girls make a break for it in the prison’s one car, and the ninja follows while doing back-flips.  They all get jobs at a women’s clothing store (including the ninja), and everybody seems OK with the fact that the girl-cupine is……there.  The credits roll with a promotion for Jolt cola and a random girl in a prison outfit dancing.

Netflix was kind of a bitch on this one and told me that the run-time was 3 hours, so I was very skeptical of this movie’s content from the beginning.  However, since its only and hour and a half or so, I though it had a pretty good flow.  There were a couple of breaks by the film-makers during the feature to joke around and explain some sponsor issues (possibly true ones, I’m not so sure), and a random girl named Ginger (dancing girl during credits) was thrown in to plug Jolt Cola and add some extra boobs.  Rhonda Shear is a very bad actress, by the way, but her scenes in which she molests the guards are extremely convincing.  I wonder why?  This movie gets a thumb up from me, and is a great way to kill some time before you have a huge shower with many naked women.  Like I do.  All of the time.

Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and don’t drop the soap.

P.S.  Here’s a gift to all of the people who will read this page while searching for porn:

Sorry guys, but if you're looking for nudity, then why the hell are you reading a bad movie blog? Nut up and go look at porn.

*I would’ve given this 10/10 if there had been 40% more boobage.
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