Hellborn: Asylum Of The Damned

Plot Twist: 1/10

Demon Mobility: 2/10

Villain’s Motive: 0/10

A request from a friend by proxy, Steve, leads me down in to the depths of a deranged insane asylum, which may or may not be run by Satan (spoiler alert, it is).  What makes this movie so special?  Well, the special effects mastery that was witnessed in such great films as Jeepers Creepers and……probably some others……gets to shine in all of 3 combined minutes in this horror master-mess.  That means you have plenty of time to take care of some chores around the house while you wait for the slightly-showcased demon to appear and then quickly vanish behind a (very tasteful) red curtain.  You don’t have to worry about missing any important dialogue, either, since you can pretty much guess the entire plot from the opening sequence.  However, for those of you that aren’t too quick on the uptake, I’ll do my thing and fill you in on the details.

Fresh out of med school, James Bishop (cool name) takes an internship at the creepiest and most out-of-the-way insane asylum that he can find: St. Andrews.  His fiance gives him a necklace for good luck, and he’s off to introduce himself at his new job…..in the middle of the night.  He immediately gets tricked by the standard “inmate-pretending-to-be-a-doctor”, and gets a lecture about how Satan is real and everywhere.  Dr. McCort, a real doctor, saves Bishop before anything serious happens, and then gives him a tour of all the crazy people.  The plan is to start Bishop out in the F-Wing, where the inmates are the quiet and motionless kind of nutcases, but that’s not good enough for the young up-and-comer.  Bishop demands the A-Wing, where the craziest of the crazies are strapped down and babble on about evil demons constantly.  Well, he asked for the tough wing, and for his sins they give it to him (that was an Apocalypse Now reference, and I’m pretty proud of it).

It isn’t too long before Bishop realizes that not everything is as it seems.  Sidenote: I think its important to mention that I don’t think he has ever been around crazy people before, because he takes everything they say seriously and doesn’t even assume that they are dangerous.  Bishop works hard for 2 weeks straight trying to get all of his neglected patients up to speed,  and he notices some strange things in the process.  Most notably, dead bodies with huge hand prints burned in to their chests.  Dr. McCort tries to cover them up by saying that they are existing injuries, but it’s no use.  Bishop begins to compile evidence to take to the police, and then he discovers a secret path to the basement.  All scary things happen in basements.

 

He is bent over because of a series of back injuries resulting from carrying heavy souls back to Hell.

What Bishop witnesses down there is a ceremony in which a real live actual demon is summoned from Hell (and behind those red curtains that I mentioned) to feed on the soul of an inmate (and burn a hand print on their chest).  Bishop tries to run, but he drops the necklace his girlfriend gave him (see why I mentioned it!) and McCort knows that the secret is out.  Bishop’s girlfriend then shows up to pay him a visit (women…such bad timing), and they become trapped in the insane asylum.  McCort finds them and explains that he wanted to sacrifice souls to Satan (for no reason), but needed souls that were already going to Hell for the ceremony (which makes zero sense), so he found this asylum.  He captures Bishop and attempts to sacrifice him to the “harvester demon” (who apparently does not need to harvest only evil souls after all), but thanks to the demons very slow movements, Bishop is able to escape and the demon gets McCort instead.  They finally get out of the asylum, and when Bishop is trying to explain everything to the police, they lock him up in an insane asylum for being crazy.  Oh, it turns out that all asylums are run by Satan-worshipping old men, so Bishop is screwed!

A word of advice if you ever get locked up in an insane asylum but you aren’t actually crazy: don’t act bat-sh*t insane.  Bishop was a doctor (I think), so he should know how crazy people act, thus he should know how not to act.  I guess almost being sacrificed to the most arthritic demon in Hell can have a damning toll on your mind, though.  Oh, and in case my sarcasm wasn’t strong enough, Jeepers Creepers sucked, especially the effects, so don’t make that the big draw of your movie. It just makes you look stupid.  I would only recommend this movie to people who specifically watch horrors based in mental facilities, which turns out is a very small niche.  To everyone else, it’s probably best to avoid this one all together, since I can’t imagine you would get anything useful from it, and they manage to reveal the only real “twist” in the first 20 seconds.

A special thanks to Steve for the suggestion, this one definitely deserved my attention.  Until next time, my crazy kids, keep watching those bad movies, or you may just go insane yourself.

P.S. These eyes have seen a lot of souls but their never gonna see another soul like the one in you!

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