Futuresport

Wesley Snipes’ Accent: 2/10

Dean Cain’s Career: 1/10

Rules Of Futuresport: 9/10

What ever happened to Dean Cain?   The guy played Superman, hosted Ripley’s Believe It Or Not, did this movie, and then vanished into thin air.  Maybe Lex Luthor finally won by constructing a kryptonite replica of the Daily Planet (probably the most plausable event that could take place in the DC universe…burn), or maybe Dean Cain just realized that he looks like a smug douche no matter what he’s doing (which is why he played Superman kind of well), either way I think that the man is laying in some ditch shielded from the elements only by some Lois & Clark DVD cases and the world’s most uncomfortable pillow which he stole from the Ripley’s vault.  And Wesley Snipes?  Why would you ever do a movie like this?  You were Blade for f**ks sake!!  Did the IRS force it on you as some sort of bargain, or did Chuck Norris round-house kick you during a Total Gym commercial and screw with your logic circuits (for those of you at home, I don’t believe Wesley Snipes is human)?  In case you haven’t guessed by now, Futuresport stars both of these men in roles that I’m sure only come into their minds during the darkest of nightmares.

What is Futuresport?  Well, aside from being the most lazily named of all sports, it is a combination of skateboarding, basketball, hockey, lacrosse, and hitting people with a giant metallic pole.  The object is to get a grapefruit-sized ball in to the opposing team’s goal, which is just big enough to fit said ball.  If held for too long, the ball becomes electrified and nearly impossible to hold, so passing and teamwork is a must, especially if you want to get by the guy whose sole job is to hit players with a giant metallic pole (I mentioned it earlier….it bears repeating).  The “sport” was invented by Obike Fixx (Snipes), a rasta from the hood who wanted to end the gang violence in the inner city by giving everybody something to do.  The game eventually gained fame after star player Tre Ramzey (Cain) won a crucial match and became the face of Futuresport, transforming it into a worldwide sensation and obsession.  Obike and Tre drifted apart after that, since they both had different ideas about Futuresport, and that’s about where our story picks up.

In the latest big tournament, Tre has developed a huge ego and refuses to let anyone share the spotlight.  This proves detrimental to the team, and after Tre fails to “ride the lightning” (hold the ball while it’s electrified), he suffers a loss for his team and his career.  His PR rating, which judges how popular you are (i.e. how important you are), drops like a stone, and suddenly he doesn’t have a friend in the world.  He runs in to Obike and is given some simple words of wisdom: go back to your roots.  Tre decides to take this advice to heart, and begins to go after his old girlfriend, famed reporter Alex Torres (Vanessa MuthaF**kin Williams), while returning to the hood and getting back in touch with the people.  He suddenly remembers that some people are poor and things like war still exist, so when Hawaii threatens to secede from the nation and tensions are high, he knows that he has the solution….play Futuresport!  But will his team trust in him again?

It is at this point that you should have walked away, Mr. Snipes.

Of course.  Well, most of them come around eventually, and the game gets announced over every TV in the known galaxy with a heartfelt speech from Tre to go with it.  When the big event finally gets started, Tre’s team is facing the same team that they lost to in the prior tournament, so I’m not really sure how they are resolving anything in Hawaii, but it is a blood bath.  People are getting injured left and right, and soon Tre’s team (the red team) doesn’t have enough healthy players to continue without forfeiting….until Obike busts onto the court in full gear!  And since he invented the game, he can make up whatever rules he wants.  He starts by breaking some turd’s jaw with his karate skills, and then proceeds to kick the crap out of everyone he comes into contact with.  Tre redeems himself for being a bitch earlier by riding the lightning and managing to score, and also passes every now and then.  Big surprise, they win the big game, and somehow war is averted.  Obike goes back into obscurity, Tre gets the girl, and Futuresport can once again be played just for fun.  Good times.

I think it would have been hilarious to be one of the people in that world that didn’t watch Futuresport.  Dean Cain tries to give this really powerful and deep speech, and I can totally imagine someone changing the channel to put on MTV or something.  And yes, I’m aware that this was a made-for-TV movie, but that doesn’t mean it gets a pass.  The bottom line is that this movie blows, but it does blow in a very fun and none-threatening way.  It’s sort of like watching a crippled child play tag….touching and pathetic at the same time.  If you’ve never seen this futuristic waste of talent, then go ahead and treat yourself to some simple down-time, but don’t you dare watch it more than once.  I only survived because I have a higher tollerance to sh**ty movies than the average man (or superman).

Shout out to my friend George who helped me watch this one!  You’re always there in my darkest movie hour.  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep trying to forget all of the horrible things that you people force me to sit through.  Also, here’s a rad drawing of me doing some damage, courtesy of the Fishbowl.

Artwork by Carlo Spacone

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