Loss Of Hope For The Human Race: 10/10
Yeah, we have a two-parter today…
Child Exploitation: 10/10
Common Sense: 0/10
Horrible Parenting: 10/10
What we have here is a golden example of why people should have to take a test in order to become a parent. Anyone who would let their child be subjected to the kinds of things that these kids no doubt had to endure during filming should be taken in to a dark room and beaten with a sack full of dirty diapers until they smell as bad as they should feel inside. I’m talking to you, crazy parents who like to grasp on to any remnants of your youth by forcing your spawn in to pageants and auditions to prove that some part of your genetics should be famous and rewarded. You are terrible people who are ensuring psychological failure in the futures of the children whom you claim to love. For shame. I hope its worth it when you die miserable and alone because your kid is addicted to cocaine and prostitutes trying to find the nurturing love and respect that they never recieved. Let’s get started.
Let me fill you in on the general premise behind these two movies. When babies are born, they possess all of the knowledge in the entire universe, and are capable of communicating with eachother. When they reach the age of 2 (approximately), they “cross over” and lose that knowledge so that they can begin to be real people. Easy, right? So, once you get past the fact that the plot is obviously designed for people who think that their baby is the most amazing and wonderful thing on the planet, you can realize how idiotic and illogical this whole mess really is. So now we can look at the first one.
Baby Geniuses starts us off with a relatively simple plot. An evil business woman wants to prove that her methods for raising children are superior. She finds some twins and separates them at birth, keeping one for her research and giving one away to a normal family as a control for the experiment. The idea is that the specially trained baby, Sly, will be far superior to his twin, Whit, when they are eventually reunited years later, proving the business woman’s theory. Here’s the problem that I see right away: if all babies in the world have eternal knowledge, then they are all equal (except for the retarded ones), so there is no such thing as a super baby. And yet, the opening scene is a baby escaping from a maximum security facility because he is supposed to be super smart. Stupid. The plot then thickens when Sly and Whit get switched accidentally at the mall, and it’s up to all of the little babies to pull their resources and thwart the evil business woman’s plans to kidnap both kids! She’s baby crazy. The babies save the day, Whit’s father learns how to understand baby gibberish, and anyone watching becomes instantly more dumb.
Then some asshole decided to make a sequel. With the current honor of being the IMDB’s Worst Rated Movie, Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies takes the premise in a completely different direction that involves Nazis and midget stunt doubles in abundance. A new group of kids discuss the legend of The Big Kahuna, a baby superhero who beats up Nazis and defends the children of the world. When their daycare center is introduced to Bill Biscane, they realize that he is actually the Nazi leader Kane, who is bent on world domination through the control of children via subliminal messages. Soon, Big Kahuna shows up and saves the day, showing the children his secret lair and explaining how he gained superhuman strength and eternal youth. He gives the babies superpowers using his imagination machine (I’m dead serious), and when Biscane invades his magic little hideaway, they give him and his goons a horribly choreographed butt-whooping. I can honestly say it hurts to watch.
You’re probably asking yourself about child labor laws, and how these movies were even legally allowed to be made. Well, here’s the movie magic secret: all of the children seen in these movies are either twins or triplets! That way they can maximize the amount of hours that they use each kid, and they have a spare at the ready to take over when those pesky “laws” start to butt in. Nice loop hole, douchebags. The big question is whether or not either of these films deserve to be the worst rated movie on IMDB. As far as bad movies go, I don’t think that they deserve the honor, but when you throw in how offended and disgusted you become when you watch them, I can see how they currently hold the title. I’m disappointed in you, humanity.
Thank you to IMDB for the suggestion, and to all of my readers who are excited about my upcoming 100th post! Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, but don’t be a baby about it.
P.S. If you think that children in beauty pageants look cute wearing make-up and prancing on stage, then you should be shot, hung, and burned at the same time. Think I’m wrong? Think again!
Video clip from Current.com (obviously)