Supergirl

Villain: 2/10

Interesting Plot: 1/10

Chick Flick: 9/10

Remember in elementary school gym class, when the boys would have to do more push ups, pull ups, and sit ups than the girls?  Well, that’s the thing that was running through my mind the whole time I was watching this movie.  It’s as if the people who made it wanted to show just how inferior girls are to boys, but they wanted to make it seem as if they were empowering women at the same time.  That’s a bit of a contrasting view, and it led to some very long and boring scenes that nobody should ever care about.  Basically, I hated this movie, and think it was a complete waste of time, so it gives me no small amount pleasure to write this review of Supergirl.

Superman’s cousin, Kara Zor’el, lives in a place called Argo City.  This city is located in inner space (like the opposite of outer space) and is powered by a thing called the “omegahedron”.  Her mentor and friend, Zaltar of Arabia (get the joke?), steals the omegahedron so that he can make some crappy art project, and then foolishly entrusts it to Kara (who obviously couldn’t be trusted with much more than a hair brush).  Being the ditsy blonde that she is, she accidentally loses the omegahedron into the depths of space (women…), and then recklessly decides to run after it.  She steals a ship, and then braves the border between inner and outer space only to land on Earth.  In full Supergirl costume.  With no explanation how or why.

Meanwhile, the omegahedron has landed in the middle of a picnic being had by a woman with plans for world domination (go figure).  Oh, and she is also a practicing witch.  She uses the mystical orb to enhance her powers to unimaginable levels, but is unaware that Kara is also learning some new abilities of her own.  In her Supergirl outfit, Kara quickly masters the super basics like flying and heat vision, and then sets out to search for the omegahedron.  First thing on her To Do List: enroll in school as Linda Lee (she seems to forget about all of the people dying on her home world).  I guess education is still very important to her.  Then, for about an 30 minutes….nothing happens.

I seriously can't even come up with a caption that would make this picture more funny.

Finally, things start to get rolling when the witch tries to make a man fall in love with her.  Big surprise, it backfires and the man falls in love with Supergirl, which leads them in to a confrontation (cat fight).  The witch manages to capture Supergirl in a Phantom Zone prison (with no explanation of how the knowledge of the Phantom Zone came about), and proceeds to take over the world.  Supergirl is in trouble, but luckily her friend Zaltar is also in the Phantom Zone for being a complete dumbass.  He tells Kara that there is no hope of escape, unless she goes through this door that is off to the side which leads right in to the witch’s lair.  Convenient and illogical, but we’re at 2 hours by this point, so anything to get the plot rolling.  Supergirl comes out of a mirror and uses that cute spunk of hers to defeat the witch and save the world.  Where was Superman during all this, you ask?  I guess he had business on some other planet, according to a car radio, and had somehow figured out how to travel light-years away.  Oh, and how is Kara able to return to Argo City?  Well, you’ll just have to use your imagination, because that is another thing left unexplained.  My brain hurts.

Seriously…this was terrible.  I learned that female superheroes are easily distracted, let their crushes control their actions, don’t know how to handle tough situations, and like to change their hair color all of the time.  It was like a watered-down Superman movie that made me feel like less of a man.  I can’t express how lame everything in here was, or how much of a dent this has put in my view of female superheroes.  I didn’t think a story could leave so much unexplained or implied and still last over 2 hours, but it somehow pulls it off.  Then, to top it off, no nudity at all.  That’s right boys (and some girls), the final nail in the crappy movie coffin.  This is a complete chick-flick, with a little bit of super powers thrown in for almost no reason.  Stay away, and don’t say I didn’t warn you, because this really is the opposite of entertaining.

Until next time, superboys and supergirls, keep watching those bad movies.  It may end up giving you powers…

P.S.

Unimpressive

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