Alien Vs. Ninja

Premise: 10/10

Execution Of Premise: 1/10

Aliens: 3/10

I did a double take when I saw this title.  Who wouldn’t?  It’s a bad-movie watcher’s dream, especially one that likes ninjas as much as I do.  I remember a time when I was walking down the street and a random asshole said “Ninjas are du…”.  He never finished his sentence, because a shuriken replaced his eyeball, but I can only assume he was going to say something bad about ninjas.  You can’t mess with that kind of awesome.  Well, here is a Japanese low-budget action flick about what might happen if aliens (my most hated enemies) had the misfortune of landing anywhere near a clan of ninjas.

The story centers around three friends who grew up together in a ninja clan; two of them can actually fight, and one is just a half-assed attempt at comic relief.  They are on a routine “kill other ninjas in the forest” mission when they suddenly see a fire in the sky (I just got a shiver down my spine).  After the dispatching of the other ninjas (which is probably the best fight scene in the movie), the three head back to their camp to report back to their master.  He informs them that the investigation of this strange fire is a priority, and that they are to protect their village at all cost.

While on the trail, they team up with another group of ninjas from their camp, lead by a sexy female ninja.  Together, they all find what appear to be strange claw marks on the trees, but that isn’t all.  Soon, ninja after ninja is disappearing, and its pretty obvious that whatever is doing it isn’t human.  When their group is dwindled down to five people, they finally come face to face with the alien.  It looks like a cross between the aliens in Alien and Jar Jar Binks, but it’s incredibly fast and has regenerative powers.  They work hard to kill one, only to discover that there are multiple aliens running around.

All aliens must die, that is the universal code of the ninja.

After a whole bunch of fight scenes that play like an episode of Power Rangers, the last alien abducts one of their favorite teammates and takes him to a cabin in the woods.  When they track him down, they discover that all of the ninjas that have disappeared are now under the control of the alien.  Not wanting to kill their friends, they defend themselves as well as possible, before discovering that their comrades have alien-things in their throats.  What follows is a ridiculous scene of ripping giant gummy bears out of throats, and finally a battle between ninja and alien, mano e mano (or alieno…).  When the ninja gets pissed, its all over for the alien, and the world is once again a safe place to be flying through the trees unseen.

You’ll notice that I didn’t use any names, and thats for 2 reasons.  1) I forgot their names, and 2) if you reveal the name of a ninja you will be killed.  Overall, I’d say it was good, but not great.  I was hoping for an alien that I could relate to more, and thus enjoy the slaughtering of it to a greater extent, but I just couldn’t here.  The creepy little things that it shoots out of its head remind me of the movie The Faculty, or to a lesser extent, Wrath of Kahn (KAHHNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!), and its body reminds of a bad Halloween costume.  All in all, I’d say you don’t need to see this unless the title really captivates you, but even then prepare for disappointment.  I’d still watch it again, though, since alien killing is still alien killing.

Until next time, kids, keep watching those bad movies, or you may just find a kusari gama in the back of your head.  Sweet dreams.

P.S. The only good alien is a dead alien.  Period.  Unless you’re talking about humans from a different country found on Earth.  They’re OK.  I actually wrote the rough draft for this post on the corpse of a dead alien!

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3 Responses to Alien Vs. Ninja

  1. Juan says:

    How did the other ninjas know that ninjas were disappearing? Don’t ninjas just disappear all the time? That’s kind of part of their job description.

  2. hiromatsu says:

    oh!the actor Masanori Mimoto was super!but i’m affraid of the monster which cuted their friends!
    Mika Hijii too!was very super!

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