Razortooth

CGI: 1/10

Script: 1/10

Ending: 1/10

What can I say about this horrible movie that the cover doesn’t already scream?  It seems that every single animal in the world is supposed to have a horror movie that makes it the prime focus, and they all have the same basic plot.  Let’s break it down, shall we?

  1. Mysterious disappearances begin to occur.
  2. Red herring character introduced who takes initial blame.
  3. Idea of mutated monster <insert animal here> introduced and laughed at.
  4. Scientist who created mutated  reveals its existence, along with seemingly random facts about its creation.
  5. Everyone who laughed at the idea of the <insert animal here> is eaten.
  6. 1st attempt to kill the <insert animal here> with a basic solution fails.
  7. Random facts mentioned earlier reveal weakness, leading to the <insert animal here>’s death.

Now fill in the blank with “eel”, and I think that about covers it, but I’ll still fill you in on some of the characters that make this movie quasi-unique.

Delmar Coates: The main character, he is a good-looking and recently divorced officer for Animal Control.  He has general knowledge of most animals, a harmonica that he takes with him everywhere, and one of the only normal people living in an extremely backwoods area of Florida.

Dr. Soren Abramson: Scientist who created the giant eel that this movies focuses on.  Intended on creating a special eel that would not eat oranges, but instead created a monster that grew incredibly large and escaped from its cage (common mistake in the field of genetic mutation).  He now lives in the Everglades, hunting it down.

Sheriff Ruth Gainey: Divorced wife of Delmar, she is faced the problem of disappearing people in her town.  Most people assume that it is the work of two escaped convicts, and the Sheriff has to control the gun crazy locals while tracking down the real killer (and trying to resist her attraction to Delmar).

Lott Dryer: The standard gun-loving crazy redneck, Lott is convinced that his son has been kidnapped by the escaped convicts.  He assembles a lynch mob and refuses to accept that there might be a giant monster on the loose, even when faced with irrefutable evidence.  Luckily, Lott is prepared for anything, anyway.

Nice work on making this look like a bad school project.

You have the plot, now all you need is the conclusion.  Dr. Soren reveals that he designed the eel with the inability to process sugar, thus keeping the local orange trees safe.  At first, nobody pays attention to this little nugget of information, and the entire group decides that the best plan is to find the eel and shoot it up with cyanide.  Well, easier said than done, because the eel attacks the guy holding the cyanide crossbow, and the arrow accidentally shoots poor old Lott.  Time to find a new plan.  They piece together what Dr. Soren said, thanks to a diabetic kid, and create another arrow with a syringe of pure glucose on the end.  They manage to shoot the eel with it, but it doesn’t work.  Another plan?  They find some grenades that Lott just happened to have on his belt, and then wade in to the water to wrestle the eel.  They manage to make the eel swallow a grenade (no easy task), and as they are walking away victorious, the credits reveal that 4 or 5 more giant eels still exist.  That blows.

The good thing about this movie is that it’s short, but the bad thing about it is everything else.  The stereotypes and clichés that I witnessed in this backwards little town were too numerous to count.  The worst scene is when the Sheriff is explaining to the towns people that there may be something dangerous around, and the towns people get their individual moments to shine (as much as a redneck can shine).  I think the actors from that scene were taken from a bus station and just told to act like hillbillies, and I sure as hell hope that they weren’t paid for it (maybe just bus fare).  Don’t watch this movie unless you hate yourself, because it really is a form of masochistic behavior.

Until next time, boys and girls, keep watching those bad movies, or <insert animal here> will get you!

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