Annoying Screeching: 8/10
Thrilling Conclusion: 4/10
Now, before you start saying something about how this movie is really old, and thus should get a pass, I want to remind you of what it is about. Giant ants. Yeah, giant ants. Now, name a good movie where the prime focus was giant insects. Can’t do it? That’s because it’s a stupid premise to build on, whether it was made 57 years ago or today, and that means that it belongs here with me and my friends (by friends I mean my bad movies, because I have apparently lost touch with humanity). So here it is, the excellently bad movie, Them!.
There has been a strange report of a girl wandering aimlessly through the desert, and the police have the entire force (one car and one airplane) out searching for her. When they finally track her down, they discover that she is extremely traumatized, and her home has been destroyed. The only clues that the police find are a strange depression in the sand and some spilled sugar, but they have no idea what it could mean. Then, a local store gets broken in to, but the only thing that appears tampered with is….some more sugar. It’s time to send this evidence in to the feds! The government immediately sends the leading expert in the field of ants to tell the town that they are dealing with…giant ants!
At first, it’s just a speculation, but after some investigation, they come to the realization that they are in the midst of an infestation (that is the best sentence that I’ve ever written). A giant ant attacks their party during a dust storm, and they shoot the crap out of it. They then begin the search for the nest, and find it deep in the desert, hidden away from the world. The ant expert explains the way an ant nest works, and the plan is to gas them during the heat of the day. Once accomplished, they take a party in to the nest to ensure total annihilation, but are shocked to discover that two queens hatched from eggs and flew away.
Now the race is on to find the queens before they start new nests and wage war against the humans. Apparently ants love war. One queen gets herself killed rather accidentally, but the other is able to make it to Los Angeles, where dreams come true for anyone (or anything). She sets up camp in the sewer systems, and manages to trap two boys just for kicks. When the military is done scaring the citizens with martial law, they track down the queen and bravely mount a rescue/kill mission. They find the queen and the new queen eggs, and then burn the crap out of them. The ant expert then explains that the nuclear radiation from the atomic bombs created these monsters, and the human race should worry about what else was created. Spooky.
Kind of a Godzilla rip-off, but what can you do. Ants are nowhere near as terrifying as a giant lizard that spews nuclear radiation, though. In fact, they are kind of weak. You’re not supposed to be able to kill a giant monster with bullets, that’s just common sense. Fire I understand, but not bullets. Maybe I’m just bitter, though, because I was really hoping that the government was going to try to create its own super-bug to fight the ants. If only I made movies…oh well. I’ll just have to settle for being lazy and critiquing other people’s work. After all, those are the principles that founded this country.
Until next time, kids, keep watching those bad movies, and light them on fire if you want to destroy them.