The Guyver

Costumes: 8/10

Fight Choreography: 4/10

Bad Movie Badasses: 10/10

This one is coming to you all as a special request from a good friend of mine, Fernando the Mando (it rhymes because I say it wrong on purpose).  First things first, let me say how pleasantly surprised I was after watching the opening sequence to discover that not only is Michael Berryman in this film, but also Jeffrey Combs (and my newest addition to the Bad Movie Badasses, Mark Hamill).  New Line Cinema is a studio that I have praised numerous times for its vision and dedication to excellently bad movies, and they didn’t let me down this time.  Ladies and gentleman, I give you The Guyver.

Shawn is your typical scrawny 20-something-year-old who takes martial arts classes to impress a girl.  He doesn’t know it yet, but his life is about to change!  You see, a long time ago aliens came to the empty planet Earth and created humans as the ultimate organic weapon.  They also created humans that could transform in to monsters, Zoanoids.  In order to give the humans some protection, an organic suit of armor called “the guyver” was created that could multiply its possessors strength by 100 times.  Cut to the present date, and the leader of the Zoanoids, Balcus The Zoalord, is desperately searching for the guyver in order to be the strongest being in the universe (standard bad guy stuff).  A rogue scientist discovers the guyver and hides it in an alley, but is killed before he can reveal its location to anyone.

Remember Shawn?  Well, it just so happens that he is in love with the daughter of said rogue scientist, and we she goes to the scene of the murder, he follows from afar and stumbles upon the guyver by accident.  Now if only he would get attacked by some random thugs in order to accidentally unlock the powers of the guyver…..  Good news!  That thing I just said.  The secret to activating the guyver is apparently sticking your face in it, and since Shawn is getting his ass kicked, why the f**k not?  His body becomes covered in a strange exo-suit, and he proceeds to dominate his would-be attackers, throwing them each in to their own trash can one at a time.  He barely has time to figure out what is happening to him before his girlfriend is in trouble, and only The Guyver can save her (now that the The Guyver is a person, I’ll capitalize it).

He looks steamed... (hahahahahahahahahahahahaha....I'm awesome)

Some Zoanoids corner her in an old warehouse, and The Guyver takes them all on at once.  He puts up an amazing fight, but when they discover that his weak point is his head (go figure), they literally rip the guyver out of The Guyver.  They take the girl and the guyver back to the Zoalord, who thinks he has the world licked.  It’s too bad that you can’t kill The Guyver that easily, though, because he can regenerate!  Which he does!  With Gusto!  It’s rematch time, and The Guyver doesn’t pull any punches.  The Zoanoids go down easily enough, but when the Zoalord shows his true form (a huge bird/tank thing), the only chance The Guyver has is his incredible chest-cannon thing that comes out of nowhere.  The Zoalord is defeated, and The Guyver gets the girl.  Go team human.

I didn’t mention Mark Hamill’s character, the hard-boiled cop, because it didn’t seem to matter at all.  Don’t get me wrong, I love that he was in the movie, but in the grand scheme of things, did it really affect the plot?  No.  Jeffrey Combs also played a bit part, but when he is a crazy scientist, even a bit part can make a movie feel like home.  I really liked the way this movie brought me back to the first time that I watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or Surf Ninjas, when movies were creative and dark but still fun for the whole family.  As it is, I fully recommend this to anyone who hasn’t seen it, and would be happy to watch it again if anyone wanted to invite me over for a beer or two…..

Thanks again to Fernando for the suggestion!  Until next time, kiddies, keep watching those bad movies, or the aliens win!

P.S. The Gyver

He took this picture with a soup can, an old newspaper, two pennies, and yes, a paperclip.

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