Cosmetic Surgery Work: 10/10
Desire To Become A Transvestite After Viewing: 0/10 (Fuck you, Tea Party)
Well, here we are, another bad movie with a title that just screams “Watch Me Bob” as soon as it crosses my path. Some of you may be wondering what would draw me to a movie like this, and if you are one of those people, I can only assume that you have a mental disorder or have never been to my site before. I actually gave fellow reviewer and resident awesome drunkard, Chako of The Awesome Man’s Burden, a choice of three movies hand-picked by yours truly, and this was the selection that he made. No worries, though. I will be watching and reviewing (if I’m not a lazy asshole) the other two selections, which were equally bad based on the titles, so you have that to look forward to as well. Lucky devils.
First, a little lesson for the kiddies who may not know: a “transvestite” is a person who who feels comfortable in clothes traditionally worn by the opposite sex. A “transgender” person is someone who transcends traditional gender roles through a wide variety of behaviors and tendencies, involving physical, mental, and emotional features. “Trannie” is a porn term for chicks with dicks. This movie deals with the last on the list. A group of sassy trannies who all work at a strip club are in for the surprise of their lives, and it is not a pleasant one. After about twenty minutes of catty back-talk, we finally discover that the main tranny, Bubbles, was recently beaten for an unknown reason. Her girlfriends decide to cheer her up at a bar, but when the opportunity to get laid arises (men are so predictable), all bets are off and she is forced to accompany them to a creepy warehouse where three presumably none-threatening guys are waiting.
The three gentlemen in question are led by a stereotypical long-haired redneck hick named Boner, who we learn has a history with Bubbles. She dated him and never told him about her little (or big) secret, and when he finally find out, he went crazy, beat her up, and then raped her for good measure. As he keeps assuring himself, though, he is not gay. To punish Bubbles even more for this embarressing twist, Boner has lured her and her friends in to a trap, and soon trannies are falling left and right, while Bubbles desperately tries to escape. Two of her friends die, and she herself is put in a coma for a couple of weeks. She tries to move on with her life, and things are almost back to normal, but then Boner returns to finish the job.
Luckily, Bubbles and her two tranny friends have been doing a little training in the off-season, becoming deadly forces to be reckoned with. When it is known that Boner and his croanies have been lurking around, they set a trap, and it plays out almost perfectly. The idea is to let Boner think that he is the one in control of the situation, when in fact him and his buddies are completely at the mercy of the masterfully trained trannies. The men are knocked out, and wake up to discover that switchblades have been inserted in to each of their anuses (anus’s? anusi? anus’?). They make a last-ditch effort to finish the job and kill the trannies, but each one ends up the victim of a pretty brutal knife injury. I guess you shouldn’t mess with ticked-off trannies who happen to have knives.
A couple things to warn you about if you plan on watching this: 1) Drink with caution, 2) Bring a snack for the long and pointless scenes of dialogue, 3) Be prepared for the now-cliched “missing reels” that conveniently skip crucial plot points. I guess the bright side is that the movie is shorter because of this last one, but the pointless dialogue has to add a half-hour, so I think it ends up a wash. After reading this, if you’re still interested in seeing the tranny fight of the century, go right ahead with my blessing, because it could be a whole lot worse. That being said, people that may not stray from the conventional (or well made) movie line too often may not find much here (especially since everything is tucked and taped). Try it if you dare, but just don’t let children watch it, or they will become gay…or Chaz Bono…or something like that.
Thanks for stopping by, and a special thank you to Chako over there at The Awesome Man’s Burden for supplying the liquor that got me through this. Until next time, boys and girls and everything in between, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep being intolerant of people who don’t.