Thankskilling

Family Ties: 1/10

Evil Turkey: 9/10

Football References: 7/10

Welcome one and all to my Thanksgiving Special!  If you’re anything like me, then you love a holiday that involves nothing more than eating and watching bad movies before you pass out on the couch and dream of banging super models in your solid gold mansion.  Sure, you have to deal with things like family, togetherness, and an obnoxious tradition of letting the world know what you’re thankful for, but when you can get past all of those unpleasantries, it’s just you and a bloated stomach, the way God (or Evolution, depending on how educated you are) intended.  The only better feeling is watching a greatly bad movie while you rub your exploding gut, and I have just the one-Thankskilling!

We begin our tale in the days of the pilgrims, where one unfortunate (and well-endowed) girl is being chased through the woods, only to be killed by our fowl-mouthed villain, Turkey!  Cut to the future, where a bunch of idiot kids are on a camping trip (as most killing sprees begin), and a campfire discussion turns into an informative session on the back story of said evil turkey.  Coincidentally, it just so happens to be 505 years since the turkey’s last death run, and the legend says that it will return this very year on this very day!  It should come as no shock that the legend is correct.

So happy and yet so doomed...

At this point in our story, you can start to take bets amongst your friends (or beautiful women you are in bed with) as to who dies first (there is no black guy for the easy first pick, sorry).  The deaths themselves are as funny as they are stupid, but nevertheless bitches gotta die.  We get to see Turkey wear faces like masks, burst from stomachs, bang whores, and use a wide variety of cutting tools, all while dropping cleverly profane catch phrase like “Nice tits, bitch” and “Surprise, mother fucker”.  Genius writing.  It seems that nothing can stop this demonic clucker, unless the kids happen to find a book that explains just that…in mathematical code…

Leave it up to the nerd to discover the turkey’s true weakness with the power of math!  All they need to do is chant a spell backwards in unison and then burn the turkey at the stake, which I’m surprised they didn’t try first.  They track the turkey back to his luxurious teepee, tie him up while he’s trying to enjoy a nice salad, and perform the chant to take away his invincibility.  Before they can put him on the fire, however, he gets shot in the face by a Ted Nugent look-alike and thrown in a tub of toxic waste (nothing bad can possibly happen).  The kids think they have won, but the turkey comes back for seconds, and it’s up to the sole-surviving girl to knock its poultry ass into the nearest convenient fire pit.  Don’t worry though, there’s always room for more, and I detect a sequel.

You look different somehow, Dad...

This movie is a pretty good example of how a low budget and poor script can create a terrible, albeit funny, chain of events.  The puppeteer for the turkey could easily be a 5 year-old child, and the turkey puppet itself looks like it was purchased straight from a cheap roadside costume stand.  The characters are as stereotypical as any I have seen (which adds to the movie’s excellence), and the overall plot is fairly predictable.  However, all of this makes for a great movie to watch with some drinks and some friends, and with a short run-time of 66 minutes, it can fit in to even the most hectic holiday schedule.  In short, I fully recommend this movie for the whole family, provided that your family shares a deep psychological trauma.  Around Thanksgiving, though, we all do.

A special thank you to Brittany for helping me get through this one, and for easily being the best looking companion on a bad movie quest I’ve ever had.  Thanks for stopping by, boys and girls, and I hope you have a bacon filled turkey day.  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep indulging myself in delusions of grandeur.

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving!

Historical photo of Pocahontas in memory of the people who sacrificed their homes so that I could destroy their land and eat a huge meal to celebrate it.

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