Tree Of Life

Art For The Sake Of Art: 10/10

Pompous Actors: 2/2

Dinosaurs: 3/10

"I'm a pretentious asshole, and I'll make this movie to prove it!"

Hi everyone, I know it’s been a little while, but I’m sure I have some good excuses.  Anyway, I feel that it is my duty to write this post as a warning to the good people who love movies, and to the idiots who run the Oscars.  It has come to my attention that for whatever reason, Tree Of Life is receiving an Oscar buzz, and this is unacceptable.  What follows will be my usual self-indulgent tripe about why the movie was ridiculous, but since the coherency of my posts reflect the coherency of the movie I’m reviewing, don’t expect to understand anything about this one.  I don’t even know where to begin, so I’ll start with something simple for all the simple people out there.

"I'll see your asshole, and raise my inflated sense of self-worth."

Tree Of Life is a movie that can best be described as “long and boring”.  At first it seems like a simple story about a son recollecting his childhood, but it quickly spirals in to a rough collage of visual garbage that attempts to tell a story through rich metaphor and pointless dialogue, much of which is just apologizing.  If I wanted to listen to Sean Penn apologize for 3 hours, I should have just confronted him after the premiere of this waste of film, I’m sure it would have been more entertaining.  The fact that actors such as Sean Penn and Brad Pitt (two actors with single syllable first and last names…I don’t trust that) headline here is a testament to how much one’s head must be up one’s ass to accept an “artistic creative choice” such as this.  For the record, an “artistic” movie is nothing more than a project by a failed creative writing student who thinks that if someone can see the crappy images in his/her head, then all of their shitty poetry will suddenly become understood.  Don’t believe me?

You never go full-dino, Sean Penn....

Interspliced throughout the film, which consists mainly of a childhood flashback where Brad Pitt is raising his 3 kids and living in the golden days of the United States, are a series of 15-20 minutes long CGI scenes.  These scenes cover the creation of the universe, evolution (you totally get to see some dinosaurs), the process of conception and incubation, and some other stuff that I didn’t really want/need to understand.  If you’re anything like the normal human being, you’ll begin to realize that these are either: 1) Some strange form of symbolism that your simple mind can’t comprehend, 2) a cruel joke by the director to test your resolve of staying in a movie once you’ve paid for it, or 3) the perfect opportunity to take a quick nap and not miss any important plot points.  I’m a napper myself, but I still have to believe that the director is also a complete douche.  He’s no M. Night Shyamalan, but damn it if he’s not trying.

This about sums up the movie, and how felt after watching it

If you can make it through all of the strange journeys through space and time, all of the awkward family situations that Brad Pitt creates by drinking and carrying on, and all of the confusing walking around that Sean Penn does whenever he is on screen, you are treated to a very special surprise:  Sean Penn walking around in a metaphorical lake with a bunch of people, including Brad Pitt (who plays his father…for those who haven’t gotten that yet).  You almost get the feeling that there is some sort of emotional catharsis occurring, but then you get the movie conclusion equivalent of blue balls, and everything ends leaving you pissed off, tired, confused, and really upset that your local theatre doesn’t warn you before they rape your eyes.  Shame on them, the studios, and any producer who put money in to this movie instead of helping to feed the poor and needy like me.

I like bad movies, and if you’ve ever been here before, you know that.  There is a difference, however, between bad and asinine, and I need no further proof of that than Tree Of Life.  From start to finish, it will do nothing more than make you feel like you should understand it but don’t, and since it can’t be understood, that’s pretty fucked up.  The acting is sub-par, the direction is confusing, the visuals are poorly produced, the dialogue is incomprehensible, the plot is fractured, and the overall tone is depressing and strange.  After watching this, I feel like I need to dress in black and read dark poetry about the hardships faced by a peach pit.  Do yourself and me a favor, and when the Oscars come around, tell your friends and neighbors that Tree Of Life deserves to be shunned and discarded.  Together, we can reach the Academy and make a difference (or at least find them and beat them up).

Thanks for stopping by, be on the lookout for my special Razzies post coming later this month.  Until next time, boys and girls, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep forcing my political agenda in to your mind.


Nobody wants to see you in artistic garbage, you hack. Stick to making soap and using funny accents.

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