Humanoids From The Deep

Monster Rape: 9/10

“Scientific” Explanations: 7/10

The Humanoids’ Design: 5/10

I’ve done cat-people, rat-people, and sheep-people, so the only logical step to take next would have to be fish-people.  That’s right, today’s movie that has made its way from the depths of obscurity and in to my living room is Humanoids From The Deep, a horrid tale about the dangers of letting evolution get out of control with that most deadly of under water enemies: fish.  There’s two sides to this coin, however, since the creatures don’t just want to rip off our heads and kill our dogs.  No my friends, they also want to mate with our women (provided that the women are hot and wearing bikinis).  I’m getting ahead of myself, though, so let’s back up and see how all of this craziness began.

Picture yourself in a beautiful and rustic fishing town.  All the usual things are there, including a giant port, a bunch of rednecks, a group of Native Americans complaining about their land, and the customary bunch of random dogs roaming the streets.  Quickly, we learn that the town is filled with horny teenagers, and plenty of pretty women wearing skimpy bathing suits.  So far, you may think that all sounds pretty wonderful, and ordinarily I would have to agree, but then the unthinkable starts to happen with little regard for the rest of the plot: the dogs all get murdered.  Of course, the rednecks blame the Native Americans, and vice versa, but when teenagers start showing up dead, the reality of the situation can no longer be ignored.  One man, Johnny the Indian (the rain dance kind, not the curry kind) claims that he saw a monster, and he is forced to team up with whitey in order to find out the truth.

If she didn't want this, then she shouldn't have dressed like a whore.

A rag-tag team of Johnny, a fisherman named Jim, and a scientist named Susan, head off in a small boat to see what they can see.  They discover a group of the humanoid fish monsters hanging out by the beach, and decide to crash the party by killing them all.  After they search the area, they find a young girl wrapped in seaweed, barely alive.  Yes, she is one of the victims of the many fish-monster rapings that nobody has seemed to find out about by this point, and they know that she needs to get to a hospital (and probably a counselor of some kind).  They take her and one of the dead humanoids, and discover the terrible secret behind these aquatic assholes: evolution.  Apparently, some jackass thought it would be a good idea to introduce an enhanced form of DNA in to the environment, and these horny half-breeds are the result.  Point for science.

The gang tries to warn the city of their pest problem, but by the time they get around to bringing the dead humanoid to the public eye, it’s the night of the big carnival (all small hick towns have random carnivals throughout the year, it helps keep the suicide rate down).  A horde of fishy freaks attack the inbred townsfolk, and a fiery battle of hilarious proportion ensues with no clear winner.  Buildings are blowing up, faces are getting shot, and yes, women are still getting sexually assaulted by things that are slightly (only slightly) uglier than Mickey Rourke.  After enough of the humanoids from the deep have been killed to satisfy some small form of climactic closure, we’re left to assume that the threat has been neutralized, and things can finally go back to normal.  Oh, except for the girl in the hospital who just gave birth to a hybrid monstrosity that laughs in the face of whatever passes for God nowadays.

Great things can happen even in a crappy little fishing town packed with racists and whores, as proven here today.  Though the characters are under-developed, the stereotypes carry them through the movie, and you get the general idea behind their motivations.  The humanoids are designed to look like the Swamp Thing with razor-sharp teeth and huge brains, and their arms look like they’re made out of a leftover costume from a crappy highschool play.  The overall story line is choppy and basic, requiring only the most peripheral of attention in order to enjoy the movie, so feel free to put it on while you monotonously level up in some awesome video game, only turning your head to catch a glimpse of the brief booby scenes that pop up (and out) from time to time.  All in all, good, but not great, so there is no need to put it on your “need to watch” list, but if you can get around to it, this one will make a fine notch on your bad-movie belt.

Thanks for stopping by, I hope this was as much fun for you to read as it was for me to write (though that was mainly because of the alcohol).  Until next time, boys and girls, keep watching those bad movies, or you may find yourself the victim of a fishy fiend’s fetish fantasy (don’t think of it as “rape”, just surprise sex).

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