Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

Martian Technology: 1/10

Toy Making Technology: 1/10

Fight Choreography: 0.5/10

Looks like we have a special treat today for the boys and girls, since your dear old Uncle Bad Movie Bob is writing about a movie that’s fun for the whole family.  Ordinarily, I don’t suggest that you subject small children to the rampant garbage that tends to find itself on my T.V. screen (I still rock a TV set, fuck you flatscreen users), but since X-mas is only 8 months away, why not get in to the spirit of it?  Also, this movie has been at the front of my queue for months now, and a little spring cleaning was in order.  Anyway, without further ado, I give you Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.

There is something very wrong with the children on Mars.  Despite the fact that they are taught to be calm and logical, fed pills instead of food, and denied any sort of XBOX, they seem depressed and lethargic (yes, I know what that word means).  The leader of the Martians and prospective Father Of The Year, Kimar, is determined to find a solution, and after consulting with a mysterious old man in the middle of nowhere, he finds out that Mars is in desperate need of a Santa Claus.  Eager to go to Earth for something other than giving anal probes to cows and rednecks, Kimar jumps in “Spaceship #1” (its actual name) with a crackpot team of other Martian men, who swear to return with good ol’ Saint Nick.

That's no hair dryer...that's a freeze ray!

They quickly discover, however, that Earth is home to many people who fit the description of Santa, and they all seem to be on different street corners ringing bells.  They are forced to ask for directions to Santa’s house, and they first come across little Billy and Betty playing in a field.  After a brief introduction, the kids explain that Santa lives in the North Pole, and all those other guys are just his helpers.  With the knowledge they need now in their grasp, they kidnap the children and race to the North Pole.  Why kidnap the children, you ask?  So that they won’t tell the government that Santa was kidnapped by Martians.  Duh.    Once they have the Claus on board, it’s full speed back to Mars, but the plot thickens.

One of the Martians, Voldar, hates every part of this plan.  He hates kids, hates Santa, hates laughter, and hates pretty much everything else except mustaches.  He even attempts to kill Santa and the kids by ejecting them from the airlock, but thanks to Santa’s magic ability to get through tight spaces, they make it through alive.  Once back on Mars, Kimar wastes no time in building Santa a state-of-the-art toy factory capable of making (are you ready for this) 5 different toys!  The letters start pouring in from the martian children, and Santa gets to work on giving them a proper X-mas.  He stays jolly in true Santa form, even when he is told that he can never return to Earth, and decides to make the best of his situation.  Voldar, however, still wants to destroy everything to do with fun, so he gets a gang together for one last raid against Santa’s Workshop.  Much to his surprise, the children are ready for him, and retaliate by attacking him with toys.  The whole situation is so emotionally damaging that Voldar begins to cry and gives up (seriously), and Kimar takes him away to Martian jail.  Oh, and he also tells Santa, Billy, and Betty that they can go home, too.  Everything is wrapped up as neatly as a gift, and the credits roll with a pretty awesome song about Santa and Martians.

There’s a lot to go over here, so I’ll try to keep it brief.  The design of the Martians reminded me of some highschool diorama project that I waited until the night before it was due to start.  The script (if there was indeed a script) seemed to have been written by an elementary school class attempting to demonstrate the value of democracy in the creative process.  The set design is so low-budget that it’s hard to understand why they didn’t just draw the background out with crayons and see if anyone noticed.  The fight scenes were…..just bad.  Look, I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that it really doesn’t get much worse than this if you’re looking in the cheap bins.  Grab the kids, grab the dogs, call your neighbors over, and sit around the tube to enjoy this masterpiece, because when I recommend a family movie, you know it’s a rare gem.

Thanks for stopping by, children of the world (and any other worlds), I hope you’re all being good boys and girls (or whatever genders are on your planet).  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, or aliens may abduct a semi-religious holiday’s icon that you actually care about.

P.S.  Did I mention that there is a robot?

There's totally a robot.

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