Big Money Rustlas

Pimp Slaps: 9/10

Crudity:  9/10

Character Names: 2/10

I’m constantly surprised by the strange things I find myself shoving in my eye holes, and a western starring the one and only Insane Clown Posse is another classic example of a bad movie that renews my faith in the genre of terrible cinema.  You’re probably sitting there asking yourself why I would waste my time with such a title, but you should be asking yourself why you’re wasting time and (I’m assuming) precious brain power asking idiotic questions.  How could I pass up watching a movie made by people whose fans are called “juggalos”?  How could I possibly deny myself the joy of seeing the movie equivalent of Turkish Delight?  Note: “Turkish Delight” is a British treat consisting of jelly covered in chocolate, so I’m referencing the fact that these two things belong nowhere near each other.  That shit is gross.

Our story is set in the town of Mud Bug, which has been long since taken over by the quickest draw in the west: Big Baby Chips (Voilent J for you juggalos out there).  His one goal is to “make more moonaaaaaaaay”, which he does by cheating at cards, and killing anyone else who dares try to do the same.  All is well until a drifter by the name of Sugar Wolf (Shaggy 2 Dope) rides in to town to visit his dear mother, and undertakes the task of cleaning up the town.  Backstory Remix:  Sugar Wolf’s father was the old Sheriff, but when it became clear that no one was safe in Mud Bug, Sugar Wolf’s mother sent him away to keep him safe (and subsequently set up shop to give the best handjobs in the West).

Monnaaaaaaay and make-up, a deadly combination....

Big Baby Chips decides to test the new Sheriff with an assassin named The Ghost, who is bulletproof and can shoot lasers out of his eyes.  With the help of his new friend, Dirty Sanchez (seriously), Sugar Wolf is able to turn the tides on The Ghost and come out victorious.  With his first major win under his belt, he hooks up with a kinky midget chick and has some R&R, but Big Baby Chips isn’t done yet.  His next assassin, The Foot, uses the power of his oversized and extremely foul (you guessed it) foot to beat his enemies into submission, but due to some conveniently placed explosives, Sugar Wolf is able to dispatch the uniped merc with minimal issues.  The final assassin, cleverly disguised as the aforementioned midget, reveals that she is actually a man while Sugar Wolf has his guard down, and is able to shoot clear through his shooting hand before literally getting thrown all around the place.  Sugar Wolf wins again, but his victory has come with a terrible price.

After a brief visit with his mother, and a few pep talks from Dirty Sanchez, Sugar Wolf is ready to train his left hand to be just a lethal as his right used to be, and challenges Big Baby Chips to a duel in ten days.  What follows is one of the most strange and idiotic training montages I have ever seen, but when Sugar Wolf gets the full strength of his pimp slap back, you know that it’s on.  The day of the duel arrives, and when push comes to shove, Sugar Wolf is able to pull off the W with ease.  He gets Big Baby Chips square in the chest, but then learns a terrible secret once he removes the clown make-up.  That’s right, Big Baby Chips (Violent J) is actually Sugar Wolf’s father, Grizzly Wolf (Ron Jeremy).  He had just gotten tired of being a law man, and well, wanted to make that sweet moonaaaaaaay.  After all the excitement dies down, Mud Bug becomes a better place to live, and we’re all relieved to see those credits.

I was very surprised at the cameos here, which include, but are not limited to, Jason Mewes, Vanilla Ice, Kid Dynamite, Bridgitte Neilson, and Dustin Diamond (Screech?).  With star power like that, it’s understandable why they went a little soft on the writing.  Well, let’s be honest, with the sheer amount of weed they had to smoke to think that this was a good idea, I’m amazed any of them made it out of the house each day.  Some story highlights include catchy songs (“Near My Butt” comes to mind), a quasi-narrator who constantly adjusts the town’s population based on recent killings, Jason Mewes as a moronic deputy who constantly pisses himself, and of course, the homophobic and extremely low-brow style that ICP is so well-known for.  If you’re a fan, then by all means watch this movie while you paint your face like an evil clown and tell people how much of a pimp you are.  If you’re not a fan, over the age of 12, and/or have a job, then this might not be a movie you can fully get in to.  Want to try it anyway?  Then make sure someone brings some kind of drug, or you may just feel like you wasted an evening, and that’s your own damn fault.

Thanks for stopping by and reading what I’m sure was the highlight to your otherwise dark and humorless life.  Until next time, juggalos and juggalettes, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep pretending that I give a shit if you’re offended that I don’t like your crappy band.

P.S.  I’m really glad that I got in to Billy Joel and Phil Collins as a kid…

There's nothing funny about an angsty clown.

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2 Responses to Big Money Rustlas

  1. I knew once I told you about this movie you wouldn’t be able to keep away! 😀

  2. Juan says:

    I’m glad you watched this one without me.

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