Blood AND Semen: 10/10
Do-It-Yourself Abortion: 8/10
Is it that time again to rock your collective faces off with a Dueling Review by myself and a certain drunken rabble rouser who calls himself Juan? I believe it is, so strap yourselves in for what might be one of the most inane and dick-filled movies I have ever had the pleasure of sharing on my site. I’m talking of course about The Taint, which by now you should have been able to gather is filled with things that will prevent you from getting an erection (or whatever the female equivalent is) for days (or in my case, a half-hour or so, because come on, I’m awesome). But I have places to go and many many many beautiful women to fornicate with, so let’s get this underway.
Initially, this movie begins with some strange shots that can quickly be indentified as the inside of a vagina. A few horrifying seconds later, and we are treated to some sustained shots of boobs. Drink it in, because it is the most pleasant thing that you will see for the next hour of your life. Our “hero” is a young man named Phil O’Ginny, caught in the midst of a terrible epidemic, of which he is completely oblivious. You see, the water supply has been tainted (hence the title), and is turning all of the men in to raging dicks with raging dicks who want nothing more than to smash women’s faces (I do NOT condone violence towards women…unless I’m forced to repeat myself). Phil is chased by a crazy redneck weilding a sickle, pooping, bleeding, cumming, and in all likelyhood peeing to kick the action off right away. Scared and confused, he has a smoke and meanders in to the woods for refuge. There, he meets Misandra, a woman whose fiancee was transformed in to what can best be described as halfway between a dick and an asshole (I just don’t know the correct term for that…). She’s been out in the woods killing men ever since she had to smash her beau’s face in, and she graciously allows Phil to join her on a quest to find clean drinking water.
How did the world fall in to such a terrible mess to begin with? A plethera of flash backs reveal the answer, as well as a story from a crazy and faceless ex-scientist. It would seem that two ernest young men with a dream of becoming rich and getting their respective dicks sucked set out to create the ultimate boner-increasing medication. Their creation was Cockzantium, which in small doses gave bats huge erections in trial runs, but the human tests were much more disastrous. And thanks to an Asian dude with a small pecker (I’m not perpetuting that stereotype, but I’m not going to refute it, either) and a big chip on his shoulder, Cockzantium was introduced in to the local water supply in mass amounts. Next thing you know, the world is in chaos, penises (Penii? Peniss? Penai?) are everywhere, and women are covered in equal parts blood and sperm before their brains are smashed by rocks (you know, the homosexual agenda that Christians are always talking about).
Back to the present, Phil and Misandra have to fight their way through hordes of cock (a phrase I never thought that I would ever write), a group of narcissistic gang-raping bros, and torments of their personal past, until they eventually meet the aforementioned faceless scientist who fills them in on all of the backstory. He gives them wine from his friend’s parent’s basement, which they are shocked to find out is also tainted. Misandra is killed by hard-on to the head, so it falls on Phil to escape and make his way to safety. Too bad that he’s been contaminated, and that the world outside is falling apart. What follows is a five minute scene of shafts being shot off, unbelieveable amounts of blood and man juice, some boobies for those who are brave enough to still look at the screen, and our fearless friend Phil spiraling in to madness. The movie ends with a kaleidoscope of dicks enveloping him as he finally falls and accepts his fate. Deep.
If you know me, then you know that I love Shock/Gore films from Japan. Indeed, those movies helped inspire me to create this online sanctuary for the cinematically challenged, and so to see a low-budget American Shock/Gore film was a real happy ending for me. The randomness of the opening sequence, the twists and turns throughout the body of the movie, and the attempt at a meaningful ending all added up to an enjoyable (and, quite frankly, disturbing) experience that made need a drink and a smoke in the worst way. Drew Bolduc, who basically did everything in this movie except write the music, has certainly earned my attention for the future, and I look forward to seeing what other fucked up things can come out of his strangely-shaped head. In conclusion (6th grade essay style), this tiny piece of Americana is a must-see for anyone who loves seeing monster johnsons spewing pearl jam and exploding, which I estimate to be 0.0000000000000000000000000000000001% of the population. At a run time of under 70 minutes, it can fit in to even the most hectic of lifestyles, and will probably get people out of your house if a party seems to be going on a little long. Enjoy at your own risk, and don’t blame me when you actually sit through it. I’m not sorry.
Thanks to my friend Chako for sponsering this viewing with delicious tacos and cider, illegally downloading the film, and for being an all-around badass. His view of The Taint can be found at The Awesome Man’s Burden, as with our previous movie ventures, and I recommend that you check it out or be forever doomed to walk the Earth as a douchebag. I appreciate you stopping by, girls and boys, and hope your bad-movie nights are filled with terrible surprises and awkward laughter. Until next time, keep watching those bad movie, and I’ll try not to jizz on you and smash your face with a boulder.
P.S. This also happens.