Monster High

Boobies: 7/10

Monsters: 6/10

Basketball Game For Fate Of The World: 3/10

Welcome back for another round of me dominating the bad-movie world with my amazing good looks and quasi-clever commentary.  Today’s special is brought to you by the sexible and flexible Katty Katey, and it pretty much shines as an example for what bad movies should be.  That’s right, Monster High is the kind of movie that one can only guess as to why it was ever allowed to be completed once the principal footage was seen.  From start to finish, it is a clusterfuck of random quirks and cliché jokes that just make you feel right at home (assuming your home is filled with monsters and aliens and references to sex…like mine).  The water is nice and warm, so let’s jump in!

Behold the terror of Mr. Armageddon!

Our tale starts out with a little back story courtesy of The Monster In Charge, a shady figure who apparently runs the universe from his desk (in between porking chicks).  According to his files, he imprisoned Mr. Armageddon in a basketball (for real) due to some unpleasant shenanigans that Mr. A tends to pull while ending the world.  Two moronic aliens, Dume and Glume, have accidentally released Mr. Armageddon from his slumber, and now he threatens to bring time to an end (and bang a lot of women) with his own brand of magic.  Ground Zero happens to be at a small highschool where we meet our hero, Norm Median, who’s a middle of the road type guy who just wants to be not so virginal anymore.  His dream girl is Candice Cain, and the two are about to be part of an adventure that neither one of them expected.

The day starts off normal enough, except for the horny rubber statue running around campus thanks to Mr. A.  Eventually, however, students begin disappearing, and monsters start to take their place.  The variety is there, as we have a zombie, a mummy, a robot, aliens, and even a giant weed monster with a bad case of the munchies.  Soon, Norm and Candice are part of a slowly dwindling number of students just trying to get through the day alive (much like regular highschool for most kids), and Norm is trying to balance saving Candice from the constant advances of Mr. Armageddon, and the fact that he is now the new Doomsday Profit.  All hope seems lost until Norm decides to try a time-tested method for saving the planet from certain destruction: He challenges Mr. A to a basketball game for the fate of mankind.

Probably not the best time for this…but what the hell, I’d do the same thing.

As you can imagine, Mr. Armageddon doesn’t like to play by the rules, and his team of monsters (in no way similar to Space Jam) play a little too rough for the varsity basketball team to handle.  Players are going down left and right, and the robot can’t seem to miss a shot.  Norm and Candice have to think fast, and they realize that their only hope is to reprogram the robot for their team (because playing better is definitely out of the question).  After a brief encounter with the aforementioned zombie and weed monster, they successfully create a floppy disc to reprogram the robot with only a minute left on the clock.  Luckily, the score is pretty close, but after the final players get either injured or thrown out of the game, the final play comes down to Norm against Mr. Armageddon in a one-on-one for all of the marbles.  Can Norm’s skills pay the bills?  Apparently so, because after the longest slow-motion jump shot in the history of cinema, Norm brings the final score to 68-66, leaving Mr. Armageddon pissed off and imprisoned again.  The Monster In Charge isn’t quite satisfied with that, however, so he destroys the basketball prison and goes back to being a total boss (much like myself).  Looks like everything can go back to normal, with one small exception: Norm finally lost his virginity.  Happy ending.

The one thing I can say about this movie is that you won’t find any boring parts anywhere, it’s simply too random for that.  Every time you begin to feel stagnant, you will be treated to a new surprise, a new monster, or at the very least a shot of some boobs.  Mr. Armageddon is a ridiculous villain with a strange sense of humor and an insatiable sexual appetite (I can relate), and half of the fun is just seeing what (or who) he’ll do next.  True, if you’re looking for any sort of depth to the characters, you will be sorely out of luck, but if that is what you want, then what the hell are you doing watching Monster High in the first place?  I would recommend this movie to anyone interested in a good laugh, or a great talking piece to have on in the background during a sweet party.  Give it a try, and if you don’t like it…..fuck you.

I’d like to once again give a special thanks to the beautiful Katty Katey for introducing this movie to me, and for being the best bad-movie cohort a shit show like me could hope for.  Thanks for stopping by, boys and girls, and until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep having a monster high while I review them.  Smell ya later!

P.S.  Why the fuck is this what came up when I searched for “Monster High”?

This is why we are failing as a country.

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One Response to Monster High

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