The Garbage Pail Kids

Nostalgia: 4/10

Bullying: 9/10

Fashion: 9/10

Remember simpler days of trading cards and Ecto-Cooler Hi-C?  When lunch boxes and thermoses roamed the Earth in a completely un-ironic way, and things like pogs and giga-pets were still just a dream in some Japanese guy’s head?  Well, if you recognize any of the words that I have just written, then you may remember the Garbage Pail Kids.  Ugly, deformed, and silly little creatures, their cards worked their way in to hearts of many children from my generation (we were and still are a disturbed lot), and in true Hollywood fashion, if the children approve, a movie must be made.  So let’s check out the Garbage Pail Kids Movie, affectionately titled The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.

She’s a little old for you, dude…..but whetever, it’s the 80’s.

It all starts with little Dodger, a 14 year-old on the run from some 20 year-old bullies.  I’m not exactly sure what their beef is, but in the 80’s I guess bullies just ran around beating up children for the sport of it.  Like I said earlier, a simpler time.  Dodger eventually is released (in to a muddy pit), and goes to his part-time job at an antique store, where his boss reminds him to never touch the dirty trashcan in the middle of all of his treasures.  A problem arises when the bullies track Dodger down to his little hideaway, and accidentally knock over the strange garbage pail, releasing 7 interesting kids who have been trapped in a green slime.  In the business, we call this the inciting incident.

Now free, the Garbage Pail Kids want to have some fun and live a little, but their odd appearance makes that a tricky situation.  In their boredom, they decide to help Dodger with his lady troubles, and give him some fresh new duds.  The lady in question, Tangerine, flips over Dodgers new style, and demands that he make her more clothes that she can sell out of her car.  Eventually, the Garbage Pail Kids are running a small sweat shop to produce enough clothes for Tangerine’s upcoming fashion show, and it is becoming clear that she cares about little else.  Poor Dodger, trapped in the hell that is male puberty, can’t see that she is a lying and manipulating bitch, and goes so far as to trap the GPKs in a basement so that they can’t interfere with the night’s events.

So realistic….it’s almost scary….

The bullies are still around, though, so don’t forget about them.  They sneak in to the basement where the GPKs are playing poker, and have them taken away to the Home For The Ugly.  Apparently, there is a place where ugly people are taken so that they don’t interfere with the rest of us beautiful people.  Dodger, who finally realizes that he shouldn’t listen to his penis, recruits the help of some bikers to break in to the Home For The Ugly, and saves his friends with relative ease.  Only one thing left to do, and that’s to take care of a little fashion show that has been built on a lie.  They burst on to the runway, and literally rip the dresses right off of the models, before causing some serious chaos backstage.  Dodger throws some punches, grows a pair, and tells Tangerine off, creating a complete coming-of-age story that can really teach you…..something….I’m sure.  The Garbage Pail Kids escape in to the night, refusing to be locked back in to a trash can, and the world had better get used to them!

I feel like this would fit on my movie shelf perfectly between Howard The Duck and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, another classic movie from the 80’s that just has a lot of fun with a very niche concept.  The puppeteering is what you would expect from such a dated title, relying heavily on midgets in costumes wearing masks with limited facial movement.  Aspects of the plot are overly-simplistic and obviously aimed at a younger crowd, but with that scary and dark edge found in kids movies before the time of Barney and Tele-fuck-tubbies (and what the shit is an Oogielove?).  If you remember playing with the trading cards during lunch while you watched the one kid who loved to eat pure mayonnaise try to shoved a hot dog up his nose, then check this one out.  Otherwise, you may be slightly disappointed with the lack of explosions or boobs.

Thanks for dropping in, boys and girls, whether you’re from a garbage pail or cabbage patch.  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep living in a past of no responsibility while completely ignoring my current responsibilities.

P.S.

Can’t fault the source material. Pure gold.

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