Oblivion

Special Effects: 4/10

Star Trek References: 7/10

George Takei: 10/10

I hope you’re all enjoying your summers, because so far mine has been like an outhouse: hot and full of shit.  I’ve changed locations, kept my style, and continued to kick ass in the various aspects of my personal life, but you don’t need to know about any of that.  You’re here to learn about my latest venture in to the world of bad movies, and I know that I have once again taken your expectations and blown them away.  How, you ask?  Two words: Space Western.  That’s right, this time it’s Oblivion, a movie which takes place on a planet far from Earth, but is strangely modeled after the old west (it makes sense if you’re mentally handicapped in some way).  Let’s get in to it, shall we?

I’m not sure what the name of the planet is, but our story is set in the town of Oblivion, population 539 (quickly made 538 because our villain eats a weird bird/rat thing which is apparently a citizen).  The villain is Red Eye, a humanoid lizard with one goal in mind: kill the local Marshall and take over the town.  It’s almost too easy for him, since he has a blue glowing rock called Draconium, which can deactivate electrical equipment (such as the Marshall’s shield and the Deputy’s cyborg body).  Once the dishes are done, Red Eye and his gang begin to do all the basic western villain stuff, like torturing citizens, wrecking up shops, and essentially striking fear in to the hearts of everyone.  Who will rise up to put an end to their terrible reign?

Two looks I never want to see on someone carrying a gun.

Meet Zack.  He’s the son of the recently departed Marshall, and he’s been spending his time roaming the Badlands trying to score some Draconium of his own (to his own bad luck, all he keeps finding is gold-ha ha).  When he stumbles across a Native who is tied down and awaiting death, he saves the man’s life and makes a new friend.  Together, they discover what happened to Zack’s dad, and begin to make their way back to Oblivion.  They arrive in time for the funeral, and Zack makes it very clear that he will in no way go out for revenge.  He says it’s because he is an empath (like DeAnna Troi) and he can’t stand to feel death, I say it’s because he’s got a bad case of the Mondays (I’d like to do a shout out to Garfield).  The townsfolk are so pathetic and fearful that he agrees to be the new Marshall, but what will happen if Zack has to kill Red Eye in order to keep the law?  Let’s find out in our thrilling conclusion!

Cool gang bro.

He feeds the dude to a huge mutant scorpion thing that rocks the body like a hurricane, in the most painful way possible(and feels it all :o).  I just skipped over a bunch of filler, but I didn’t want to leave you hanging with that burning question.  After an initial brawl, Zack and his crackerjack team track down Red Eye’s gang in the Badlands (ooooooooooooooohhhh), and the final showdown begins.  Everybody splits off in to one-on-one fights (just like in all of my gang fights), and slowly, slowly, slowly, but surely, Red Eye’s clusterbunch is no more.  What does Zack say about the whole ordeal?  What lesson did he learn about responsibility or family or some other such?  I don’t know, because he mumbles something under his breath and then the credits pop on faster than a speeding bullet (or locomotive…whatever, purists).

Carel Struycken!

Let’s get down to brass tax: is this worth your time?  Your reading this, so I can safely assume you either 1) are easily amused, 2) have a thirst for terrible, or 3) thought this was porn site and are wondering where all of the thumbnails are located.  In any case, let me tell you that there are far better bad movies out there to enjoy.  A couple of the highlights include George Takei’s drunken doctor character, who just continually makes blatent Star Trek references.  Also, the cyborg Deputy is a hoot and a half with all of her little quirks, and the Undertaker is Carel Struycken.  He would be a Bad Movie Badass if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve never seen him in a bad movie other than this (though I think I just may now)…and I fucking love the Addams Family movies (huge Lurch fan).  Bonus alert:  I even hear there’s a sequel to this movie.  Goodie.  So if you really have to, carve out some time for this one while you’re cleaning your room or doing something else productive.  Otherwise, keep browsing Netflix for something a little better.

Thanks for stopping by, guys and gals, and until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep watching the friendly skies for outlaw UFOs to destroy.

P.S.  She can feel me anytime.  Engage.

She gives me a Make-It-So-ner.

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Big Money Rustlas

Pimp Slaps: 9/10

Crudity:  9/10

Character Names: 2/10

I’m constantly surprised by the strange things I find myself shoving in my eye holes, and a western starring the one and only Insane Clown Posse is another classic example of a bad movie that renews my faith in the genre of terrible cinema.  You’re probably sitting there asking yourself why I would waste my time with such a title, but you should be asking yourself why you’re wasting time and (I’m assuming) precious brain power asking idiotic questions.  How could I pass up watching a movie made by people whose fans are called “juggalos”?  How could I possibly deny myself the joy of seeing the movie equivalent of Turkish Delight?  Note: “Turkish Delight” is a British treat consisting of jelly covered in chocolate, so I’m referencing the fact that these two things belong nowhere near each other.  That shit is gross.

Our story is set in the town of Mud Bug, which has been long since taken over by the quickest draw in the west: Big Baby Chips (Voilent J for you juggalos out there).  His one goal is to “make more moonaaaaaaaay”, which he does by cheating at cards, and killing anyone else who dares try to do the same.  All is well until a drifter by the name of Sugar Wolf (Shaggy 2 Dope) rides in to town to visit his dear mother, and undertakes the task of cleaning up the town.  Backstory Remix:  Sugar Wolf’s father was the old Sheriff, but when it became clear that no one was safe in Mud Bug, Sugar Wolf’s mother sent him away to keep him safe (and subsequently set up shop to give the best handjobs in the West).

Monnaaaaaaay and make-up, a deadly combination....

Big Baby Chips decides to test the new Sheriff with an assassin named The Ghost, who is bulletproof and can shoot lasers out of his eyes.  With the help of his new friend, Dirty Sanchez (seriously), Sugar Wolf is able to turn the tides on The Ghost and come out victorious.  With his first major win under his belt, he hooks up with a kinky midget chick and has some R&R, but Big Baby Chips isn’t done yet.  His next assassin, The Foot, uses the power of his oversized and extremely foul (you guessed it) foot to beat his enemies into submission, but due to some conveniently placed explosives, Sugar Wolf is able to dispatch the uniped merc with minimal issues.  The final assassin, cleverly disguised as the aforementioned midget, reveals that she is actually a man while Sugar Wolf has his guard down, and is able to shoot clear through his shooting hand before literally getting thrown all around the place.  Sugar Wolf wins again, but his victory has come with a terrible price.

After a brief visit with his mother, and a few pep talks from Dirty Sanchez, Sugar Wolf is ready to train his left hand to be just a lethal as his right used to be, and challenges Big Baby Chips to a duel in ten days.  What follows is one of the most strange and idiotic training montages I have ever seen, but when Sugar Wolf gets the full strength of his pimp slap back, you know that it’s on.  The day of the duel arrives, and when push comes to shove, Sugar Wolf is able to pull off the W with ease.  He gets Big Baby Chips square in the chest, but then learns a terrible secret once he removes the clown make-up.  That’s right, Big Baby Chips (Violent J) is actually Sugar Wolf’s father, Grizzly Wolf (Ron Jeremy).  He had just gotten tired of being a law man, and well, wanted to make that sweet moonaaaaaaay.  After all the excitement dies down, Mud Bug becomes a better place to live, and we’re all relieved to see those credits.

I was very surprised at the cameos here, which include, but are not limited to, Jason Mewes, Vanilla Ice, Kid Dynamite, Bridgitte Neilson, and Dustin Diamond (Screech?).  With star power like that, it’s understandable why they went a little soft on the writing.  Well, let’s be honest, with the sheer amount of weed they had to smoke to think that this was a good idea, I’m amazed any of them made it out of the house each day.  Some story highlights include catchy songs (“Near My Butt” comes to mind), a quasi-narrator who constantly adjusts the town’s population based on recent killings, Jason Mewes as a moronic deputy who constantly pisses himself, and of course, the homophobic and extremely low-brow style that ICP is so well-known for.  If you’re a fan, then by all means watch this movie while you paint your face like an evil clown and tell people how much of a pimp you are.  If you’re not a fan, over the age of 12, and/or have a job, then this might not be a movie you can fully get in to.  Want to try it anyway?  Then make sure someone brings some kind of drug, or you may just feel like you wasted an evening, and that’s your own damn fault.

Thanks for stopping by and reading what I’m sure was the highlight to your otherwise dark and humorless life.  Until next time, juggalos and juggalettes, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep pretending that I give a shit if you’re offended that I don’t like your crappy band.

P.S.  I’m really glad that I got in to Billy Joel and Phil Collins as a kid…

There's nothing funny about an angsty clown.

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Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

Martian Technology: 1/10

Toy Making Technology: 1/10

Fight Choreography: 0.5/10

Looks like we have a special treat today for the boys and girls, since your dear old Uncle Bad Movie Bob is writing about a movie that’s fun for the whole family.  Ordinarily, I don’t suggest that you subject small children to the rampant garbage that tends to find itself on my T.V. screen (I still rock a TV set, fuck you flatscreen users), but since X-mas is only 8 months away, why not get in to the spirit of it?  Also, this movie has been at the front of my queue for months now, and a little spring cleaning was in order.  Anyway, without further ado, I give you Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.

There is something very wrong with the children on Mars.  Despite the fact that they are taught to be calm and logical, fed pills instead of food, and denied any sort of XBOX, they seem depressed and lethargic (yes, I know what that word means).  The leader of the Martians and prospective Father Of The Year, Kimar, is determined to find a solution, and after consulting with a mysterious old man in the middle of nowhere, he finds out that Mars is in desperate need of a Santa Claus.  Eager to go to Earth for something other than giving anal probes to cows and rednecks, Kimar jumps in “Spaceship #1” (its actual name) with a crackpot team of other Martian men, who swear to return with good ol’ Saint Nick.

That's no hair dryer...that's a freeze ray!

They quickly discover, however, that Earth is home to many people who fit the description of Santa, and they all seem to be on different street corners ringing bells.  They are forced to ask for directions to Santa’s house, and they first come across little Billy and Betty playing in a field.  After a brief introduction, the kids explain that Santa lives in the North Pole, and all those other guys are just his helpers.  With the knowledge they need now in their grasp, they kidnap the children and race to the North Pole.  Why kidnap the children, you ask?  So that they won’t tell the government that Santa was kidnapped by Martians.  Duh.    Once they have the Claus on board, it’s full speed back to Mars, but the plot thickens.

One of the Martians, Voldar, hates every part of this plan.  He hates kids, hates Santa, hates laughter, and hates pretty much everything else except mustaches.  He even attempts to kill Santa and the kids by ejecting them from the airlock, but thanks to Santa’s magic ability to get through tight spaces, they make it through alive.  Once back on Mars, Kimar wastes no time in building Santa a state-of-the-art toy factory capable of making (are you ready for this) 5 different toys!  The letters start pouring in from the martian children, and Santa gets to work on giving them a proper X-mas.  He stays jolly in true Santa form, even when he is told that he can never return to Earth, and decides to make the best of his situation.  Voldar, however, still wants to destroy everything to do with fun, so he gets a gang together for one last raid against Santa’s Workshop.  Much to his surprise, the children are ready for him, and retaliate by attacking him with toys.  The whole situation is so emotionally damaging that Voldar begins to cry and gives up (seriously), and Kimar takes him away to Martian jail.  Oh, and he also tells Santa, Billy, and Betty that they can go home, too.  Everything is wrapped up as neatly as a gift, and the credits roll with a pretty awesome song about Santa and Martians.

There’s a lot to go over here, so I’ll try to keep it brief.  The design of the Martians reminded me of some highschool diorama project that I waited until the night before it was due to start.  The script (if there was indeed a script) seemed to have been written by an elementary school class attempting to demonstrate the value of democracy in the creative process.  The set design is so low-budget that it’s hard to understand why they didn’t just draw the background out with crayons and see if anyone noticed.  The fight scenes were…..just bad.  Look, I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that it really doesn’t get much worse than this if you’re looking in the cheap bins.  Grab the kids, grab the dogs, call your neighbors over, and sit around the tube to enjoy this masterpiece, because when I recommend a family movie, you know it’s a rare gem.

Thanks for stopping by, children of the world (and any other worlds), I hope you’re all being good boys and girls (or whatever genders are on your planet).  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, or aliens may abduct a semi-religious holiday’s icon that you actually care about.

P.S.  Did I mention that there is a robot?

There's totally a robot.

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Humanoids From The Deep

Monster Rape: 9/10

“Scientific” Explanations: 7/10

The Humanoids’ Design: 5/10

I’ve done cat-people, rat-people, and sheep-people, so the only logical step to take next would have to be fish-people.  That’s right, today’s movie that has made its way from the depths of obscurity and in to my living room is Humanoids From The Deep, a horrid tale about the dangers of letting evolution get out of control with that most deadly of under water enemies: fish.  There’s two sides to this coin, however, since the creatures don’t just want to rip off our heads and kill our dogs.  No my friends, they also want to mate with our women (provided that the women are hot and wearing bikinis).  I’m getting ahead of myself, though, so let’s back up and see how all of this craziness began.

Picture yourself in a beautiful and rustic fishing town.  All the usual things are there, including a giant port, a bunch of rednecks, a group of Native Americans complaining about their land, and the customary bunch of random dogs roaming the streets.  Quickly, we learn that the town is filled with horny teenagers, and plenty of pretty women wearing skimpy bathing suits.  So far, you may think that all sounds pretty wonderful, and ordinarily I would have to agree, but then the unthinkable starts to happen with little regard for the rest of the plot: the dogs all get murdered.  Of course, the rednecks blame the Native Americans, and vice versa, but when teenagers start showing up dead, the reality of the situation can no longer be ignored.  One man, Johnny the Indian (the rain dance kind, not the curry kind) claims that he saw a monster, and he is forced to team up with whitey in order to find out the truth.

If she didn't want this, then she shouldn't have dressed like a whore.

A rag-tag team of Johnny, a fisherman named Jim, and a scientist named Susan, head off in a small boat to see what they can see.  They discover a group of the humanoid fish monsters hanging out by the beach, and decide to crash the party by killing them all.  After they search the area, they find a young girl wrapped in seaweed, barely alive.  Yes, she is one of the victims of the many fish-monster rapings that nobody has seemed to find out about by this point, and they know that she needs to get to a hospital (and probably a counselor of some kind).  They take her and one of the dead humanoids, and discover the terrible secret behind these aquatic assholes: evolution.  Apparently, some jackass thought it would be a good idea to introduce an enhanced form of DNA in to the environment, and these horny half-breeds are the result.  Point for science.

The gang tries to warn the city of their pest problem, but by the time they get around to bringing the dead humanoid to the public eye, it’s the night of the big carnival (all small hick towns have random carnivals throughout the year, it helps keep the suicide rate down).  A horde of fishy freaks attack the inbred townsfolk, and a fiery battle of hilarious proportion ensues with no clear winner.  Buildings are blowing up, faces are getting shot, and yes, women are still getting sexually assaulted by things that are slightly (only slightly) uglier than Mickey Rourke.  After enough of the humanoids from the deep have been killed to satisfy some small form of climactic closure, we’re left to assume that the threat has been neutralized, and things can finally go back to normal.  Oh, except for the girl in the hospital who just gave birth to a hybrid monstrosity that laughs in the face of whatever passes for God nowadays.

Great things can happen even in a crappy little fishing town packed with racists and whores, as proven here today.  Though the characters are under-developed, the stereotypes carry them through the movie, and you get the general idea behind their motivations.  The humanoids are designed to look like the Swamp Thing with razor-sharp teeth and huge brains, and their arms look like they’re made out of a leftover costume from a crappy highschool play.  The overall story line is choppy and basic, requiring only the most peripheral of attention in order to enjoy the movie, so feel free to put it on while you monotonously level up in some awesome video game, only turning your head to catch a glimpse of the brief booby scenes that pop up (and out) from time to time.  All in all, good, but not great, so there is no need to put it on your “need to watch” list, but if you can get around to it, this one will make a fine notch on your bad-movie belt.

Thanks for stopping by, I hope this was as much fun for you to read as it was for me to write (though that was mainly because of the alcohol).  Until next time, boys and girls, keep watching those bad movies, or you may find yourself the victim of a fishy fiend’s fetish fantasy (don’t think of it as “rape”, just surprise sex).

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Chillerama

Welcome one and all to another great review that will be shared between myself, who is the master of bad movies, and Chako of The Awesome Man’s Burden, who is the master of all things drunken.  I tried for the title recently, and found myself lost in a Vegas casino crying in a pool of my own self-pity.  I’m going to have to deviate from my standard format, because the movie this time deviates from standard awesome.  That’s right, I am fully endorsing Chillerama to anyone who wants to watch a bad movie done right, and I’m doing it at the beginning, instead of at the end, of the review.  Another brilliant suggestion from Mark LaRue, this campy faux-classic chronicles the last night of a failing drive-in, where people are excited to see 4 movies for one final fright.  The bonus is that we the audience get to watch the movies, too, so in essence this baby is a bunch of bad movies for the price (and time) of one.  Shall we begin?

Let’s kick things off where they should always start…with a guy about to screw his dead wife’s corpse.  Now I know what you’re thinking, and yes, as incredibly hot as this sounds, it takes a very quick downward spiral when the wife springs to life and bites off her husband’s widow maker.  Clawing out of the grave, the husband realizes that he’s late for work, and stumbles to the drive-in, where they are having a quadruple feature.  Still time for him to jerk off in the concession area while blue zombie pus is spilling from his crotch, though!

Wadzilla

Masturbation References: 9/10

Sperm Count: 1/10000000000

Tits: 6/10

Starting off this night right, we first get to watch Wadzilla, the chilling tale of a sperm gone wild.  Our main character, Miles, is just a normal guy with an abnormal sperm count: one.  He goes to visit his doctor, and wouldn’t you know it, he’s given an experimental new drug to try to pump that number up a bit.  Unfortunately, the new drug has an adverse side effect, and instead of giving him more swimmers, it just beefs up the one he already has.  Now, every time he gets aroused, his balls start to ache like mad, and the only cure is a visit to the good ol’ fist doctor (he has to jerk off, if that wasn’t clear enough).  Once freed from it’s dickular prison, however, the testy tadpole is able to grow exponentially, and it’s appetite for blood (and boobs) grows with it.  Soon the sinister stain-maker is 5 stories tall, and has its eyes set on the Statue Of Liberty (who, let’s be honest, we’ve all wanted to bang at one point.  European chicks…).  Though the army tries to stop it with a condom of XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL Magnum proportions, they are reduced to blowing this particular load with huge missile, causing a splooge-nami to engulf the entire city.  Fin.

At least there is one Asian in there...

Back to the drive-in, and it seems like something nasty has gotten in to the butter for the popcorn (besides the actual butter itself).  What will happen to all of the people innocently snacking on their overpriced concession items?  No time to ask that now, because our next fun feature is up!

I Was A Teenage Werebear

Bondage Fetish: 6/10

Songs: 3/10

Tits: 4/10

Probably the weakest of the 4, I Was A Teenage Werebear is a light-hearted quickie that combines the musical qualities of Grease with the back story of any good werewolf film, but with one exception:  The werebears are gay guys that turn in to big and hairy gay bikers with a preference for assless chaps and a lot of leather.  Our young hero and real-life gay porn star, Ricky, is having trouble getting it up for his gal.  When she is brutally maimed in a horrific car accident, however, he cares more about the dreamy guy that pulled him to safety.  Soon he becomes bitten (on the ass), and the true nature of his new friends becomes apparent.  Cursed to turn in to a werebear whenever he becomes sexually aroused, Ricky vows to stop his blonde beau from causing a bloodbath at the next school dance.  There is only one way to stop a werebear, however, and it’s not a silver bullet…  Ready for this?  Ass-rammed with a giant silver dildo.  Can’t make this stuff.  Seriously.  He ass-rams the dude with a silver dildo.  Rama-lama-ding-dong, this one is over.

Girl! I wanna take you to a gay bear! Gay bear! Gay bear!

How are our kids doing back at the drive-in?  Well, at this point, it’s pretty evident that things are going awry.  People are starting to change in to the undead, but there is still time to feel up your girl and strap in (or on) for the next show!

The Diary Of Anne Frankenstein

Historical Accuracy: 8/10

German Accuracy: 6/10

Tits: 2/10

Probably my favorite of them all (despite the lack of chesticles), this black-and-white beauty tells about what really happened to Anne Frank, which was basically that she was shot.  Hitler kills her and her family, orders the creation of her depressing journal, and discovers the secret Frankenstein Diary.  He knows that with it, he can create the ultimate undead monster and turn the tide of the war to his favor.  He sets out to create Mushugannah (I apologize to my Jewish readers if this spelling is wrong, but seriously, fuck Hebrew), a giant Franken-Jew, and attempts to teach it the simple command of “kill”.  Though it is able to master puzzles and accounting (shocker), the concept of killing comes a little slower to the big brewski, until it finally snaps and murders everyone, including everyone’s favorite moustached mad-man, the big A-dolf.  Mazel Tov!

I really don't have enough goofy pictures of Hitler on here...

With the drive-in now overrun with the undead, the “final movie” of the night is destroyed, but the rest of this feature is far from over.  I present to you the final film for us, the real audience.

Zom-B Movie

Zombie Orgies: 10/10

Movie Catch Phrases: 10/10

Tits: 8/10

People are dropping left and right, and soon the core characters that we’ve come to relate to are all that remains.  They, too, however, are not having the best of luck, and soon it’s only two kids and the drive-in manager that remain.  Luckily, the manager has a hidden armory in his office (all theatre managers do), and he suits up for war.  Trying to help the kids get to a car so that they can escape, he spouts off every movie quote he can think of while he’s dropping zombies left and right.  A final sacrifice with a grenade, and the kids are able to make it to their car safe and sound.  They can’t start it, however, so it looks like there is only one thing left to do: bang.

It's a "jump to conclusions" matt. You lay it on the floor, and there are different "conclusions" that you can "jump" to. Say hello to my little friend.

Great ending, right?  It was one of those beautiful moments when I called out for something to happen, and it did.  Each film has a different style to it, thanks to four different directors, so you’re not really ever bored at any point.  The random and carefree writing can seem immature at times, but if that bothers you, then go watch one of those crappy Oscar winners you jackass.  There really was a whole lot to see here, and I strongly suggest this one to be viewed with a group.  And alcohol.  And maybe a stripper or two.  Also nachos.  Bottom line, make it an event, because when you get four-for-one, you’re not just getting a great bargain, you’re making your sad and pathetic life have a glimmer of meaning, if only for the smallest of seconds.

Special thanks to Mark LaRue for the suggestion, and a big thank you to Mark, Chako, Giorgio, and Gio for having the good sense to sit down and have your faces rocked with me during this one.  Don’t forget to check out The Awesome Man’s Burden, where Chako lends his expert drunken opinion to this steaming pile of greatness.  Thanks for stopping by, boyles and ghouls, and if you have a local drive-in, do yourself a favor and take a cheap date there (you know what I mean by cheap).  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep trying to figure out why sodomy is so funny.

P.S. Needed more tits.

So here ya go.

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Tree Of Life

Art For The Sake Of Art: 10/10

Pompous Actors: 2/2

Dinosaurs: 3/10

"I'm a pretentious asshole, and I'll make this movie to prove it!"

Hi everyone, I know it’s been a little while, but I’m sure I have some good excuses.  Anyway, I feel that it is my duty to write this post as a warning to the good people who love movies, and to the idiots who run the Oscars.  It has come to my attention that for whatever reason, Tree Of Life is receiving an Oscar buzz, and this is unacceptable.  What follows will be my usual self-indulgent tripe about why the movie was ridiculous, but since the coherency of my posts reflect the coherency of the movie I’m reviewing, don’t expect to understand anything about this one.  I don’t even know where to begin, so I’ll start with something simple for all the simple people out there.

"I'll see your asshole, and raise my inflated sense of self-worth."

Tree Of Life is a movie that can best be described as “long and boring”.  At first it seems like a simple story about a son recollecting his childhood, but it quickly spirals in to a rough collage of visual garbage that attempts to tell a story through rich metaphor and pointless dialogue, much of which is just apologizing.  If I wanted to listen to Sean Penn apologize for 3 hours, I should have just confronted him after the premiere of this waste of film, I’m sure it would have been more entertaining.  The fact that actors such as Sean Penn and Brad Pitt (two actors with single syllable first and last names…I don’t trust that) headline here is a testament to how much one’s head must be up one’s ass to accept an “artistic creative choice” such as this.  For the record, an “artistic” movie is nothing more than a project by a failed creative writing student who thinks that if someone can see the crappy images in his/her head, then all of their shitty poetry will suddenly become understood.  Don’t believe me?

You never go full-dino, Sean Penn....

Interspliced throughout the film, which consists mainly of a childhood flashback where Brad Pitt is raising his 3 kids and living in the golden days of the United States, are a series of 15-20 minutes long CGI scenes.  These scenes cover the creation of the universe, evolution (you totally get to see some dinosaurs), the process of conception and incubation, and some other stuff that I didn’t really want/need to understand.  If you’re anything like the normal human being, you’ll begin to realize that these are either: 1) Some strange form of symbolism that your simple mind can’t comprehend, 2) a cruel joke by the director to test your resolve of staying in a movie once you’ve paid for it, or 3) the perfect opportunity to take a quick nap and not miss any important plot points.  I’m a napper myself, but I still have to believe that the director is also a complete douche.  He’s no M. Night Shyamalan, but damn it if he’s not trying.

This about sums up the movie, and how felt after watching it

If you can make it through all of the strange journeys through space and time, all of the awkward family situations that Brad Pitt creates by drinking and carrying on, and all of the confusing walking around that Sean Penn does whenever he is on screen, you are treated to a very special surprise:  Sean Penn walking around in a metaphorical lake with a bunch of people, including Brad Pitt (who plays his father…for those who haven’t gotten that yet).  You almost get the feeling that there is some sort of emotional catharsis occurring, but then you get the movie conclusion equivalent of blue balls, and everything ends leaving you pissed off, tired, confused, and really upset that your local theatre doesn’t warn you before they rape your eyes.  Shame on them, the studios, and any producer who put money in to this movie instead of helping to feed the poor and needy like me.

I like bad movies, and if you’ve ever been here before, you know that.  There is a difference, however, between bad and asinine, and I need no further proof of that than Tree Of Life.  From start to finish, it will do nothing more than make you feel like you should understand it but don’t, and since it can’t be understood, that’s pretty fucked up.  The acting is sub-par, the direction is confusing, the visuals are poorly produced, the dialogue is incomprehensible, the plot is fractured, and the overall tone is depressing and strange.  After watching this, I feel like I need to dress in black and read dark poetry about the hardships faced by a peach pit.  Do yourself and me a favor, and when the Oscars come around, tell your friends and neighbors that Tree Of Life deserves to be shunned and discarded.  Together, we can reach the Academy and make a difference (or at least find them and beat them up).

Thanks for stopping by, be on the lookout for my special Razzies post coming later this month.  Until next time, boys and girls, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep forcing my political agenda in to your mind.

P.S.

Nobody wants to see you in artistic garbage, you hack. Stick to making soap and using funny accents.

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Thankskilling

Family Ties: 1/10

Evil Turkey: 9/10

Football References: 7/10

Welcome one and all to my Thanksgiving Special!  If you’re anything like me, then you love a holiday that involves nothing more than eating and watching bad movies before you pass out on the couch and dream of banging super models in your solid gold mansion.  Sure, you have to deal with things like family, togetherness, and an obnoxious tradition of letting the world know what you’re thankful for, but when you can get past all of those unpleasantries, it’s just you and a bloated stomach, the way God (or Evolution, depending on how educated you are) intended.  The only better feeling is watching a greatly bad movie while you rub your exploding gut, and I have just the one-Thankskilling!

We begin our tale in the days of the pilgrims, where one unfortunate (and well-endowed) girl is being chased through the woods, only to be killed by our fowl-mouthed villain, Turkey!  Cut to the future, where a bunch of idiot kids are on a camping trip (as most killing sprees begin), and a campfire discussion turns into an informative session on the back story of said evil turkey.  Coincidentally, it just so happens to be 505 years since the turkey’s last death run, and the legend says that it will return this very year on this very day!  It should come as no shock that the legend is correct.

So happy and yet so doomed...

At this point in our story, you can start to take bets amongst your friends (or beautiful women you are in bed with) as to who dies first (there is no black guy for the easy first pick, sorry).  The deaths themselves are as funny as they are stupid, but nevertheless bitches gotta die.  We get to see Turkey wear faces like masks, burst from stomachs, bang whores, and use a wide variety of cutting tools, all while dropping cleverly profane catch phrase like “Nice tits, bitch” and “Surprise, mother fucker”.  Genius writing.  It seems that nothing can stop this demonic clucker, unless the kids happen to find a book that explains just that…in mathematical code…

Leave it up to the nerd to discover the turkey’s true weakness with the power of math!  All they need to do is chant a spell backwards in unison and then burn the turkey at the stake, which I’m surprised they didn’t try first.  They track the turkey back to his luxurious teepee, tie him up while he’s trying to enjoy a nice salad, and perform the chant to take away his invincibility.  Before they can put him on the fire, however, he gets shot in the face by a Ted Nugent look-alike and thrown in a tub of toxic waste (nothing bad can possibly happen).  The kids think they have won, but the turkey comes back for seconds, and it’s up to the sole-surviving girl to knock its poultry ass into the nearest convenient fire pit.  Don’t worry though, there’s always room for more, and I detect a sequel.

You look different somehow, Dad...

This movie is a pretty good example of how a low budget and poor script can create a terrible, albeit funny, chain of events.  The puppeteer for the turkey could easily be a 5 year-old child, and the turkey puppet itself looks like it was purchased straight from a cheap roadside costume stand.  The characters are as stereotypical as any I have seen (which adds to the movie’s excellence), and the overall plot is fairly predictable.  However, all of this makes for a great movie to watch with some drinks and some friends, and with a short run-time of 66 minutes, it can fit in to even the most hectic holiday schedule.  In short, I fully recommend this movie for the whole family, provided that your family shares a deep psychological trauma.  Around Thanksgiving, though, we all do.

A special thank you to Brittany for helping me get through this one, and for easily being the best looking companion on a bad movie quest I’ve ever had.  Thanks for stopping by, boys and girls, and I hope you have a bacon filled turkey day.  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep indulging myself in delusions of grandeur.

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving!

Historical photo of Pocahontas in memory of the people who sacrificed their homes so that I could destroy their land and eat a huge meal to celebrate it.

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