The Baby

Creepy Factor: 9/10

Swingers: 8/10

Awkward Family Moments: 10/10

Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there.  I was just sitting here, sipping away at my scotch, trying to erase the mental trauma of a little ditty called The Baby.  You see, throughout my travels, I mainly come across zombies, aliens, mutants, supernatural beasts, etc… So it’s rare when the scary part of a movie comes from perfectly normal child abuse.  Also, coming from what some would consider the home of an over-protective single parent (as so many of us are), the idea of a mother who forces her son to stay in a perpetual baby-like state for his entire life is shockingly horrific.  Guess I just spilled the beans (Ants In The Pants!), so I might as well start digging in to the depths of The Baby!

Maybe it’s just me, but I think all babies look the same.

At first everything seems so normal.  A kindly old mother and her two grown daughters are trying to find a new nanny for their “baby”, who happens to be a full-sized man.  The explanation is simple: Baby (yes, his name is Baby) is retarded.  The new nanny, Ann, spends some time with Baby, and she begins to have her doubts, though.  After all, she taught him to play fetch, and that’s a serious improvement from not being able to play fetch.  When Ann tries to demonstrate Baby’s new trick to a very displeased Mrs. Wadsworth (aforementioned mother), she finds that Baby has totally forgotten it in his obvious fear her.  She sets out to get some answers, and realizes that Baby is a completely normal guy who has simply been forced since birth to keep acting like….well, a baby.

If there was any doubt about the validity of this hypothesis, it is quickly dispelled in the following scene, where Baby is being punished with a cattle prod for his attempt to learn.  So now we know the creepy secret, but the movie is only half over…so what’s left?  A bitter war between Ann and Mrs. Wadsworth for the custody of Baby, that’s what.  Words are said and lines are crossed, but Mrs. Wadsworth knows that her days are numbered, so she goes for the power play.  She invites Ann to the creepy 70’s swinger birthday party that she’s throwing for Baby, with the intention of drugging her and killing her.  The plan goes great until Ann escapes from her bondage with Baby in tow, leaving Mama with little choice but to kill her by any means necessary.

This is actually my move on a first date.

Mrs. Wadworth gathers up her two daughters and plans for an old-fashioned home invasion, Ann seeming like rather weak target.  Once in her house, though, things quickly take a new direction, and it is the Wadsworths who are being hunted!  Ann kills the daughters first with various kitchen and household appliances, and saves Mrs. Wadsworth for last.  Why is Ann so desperate to kill them and have Baby for herself?  The shocking twist is that her husband was in a terrible accident and is now a mentally handicapped man-baby, too!  Now, her husband has a full-time playmate and she can get back doing whatever it is crazies do when they accomplish their goals.  It’s good to have goals.

Creepy, right?  The ending blew me away, and all I could do was laugh at its perfection.  Some highlights of the creep-fest include one of the daughters having a sexual relationship with Baby (figure that one out Dr. Phil), one of Baby’s sitters getting off by letting some breast-feeding occur, and, again, the 70’s swinger birthday party for someone believed to be a baby.  Awkward moments aside, this movie has a terrible script and soundtrack, so make sure you turn the volume up so as not to miss any of it.  True, you’re not going to get any explosions, monsters, or swords coming out of anuses (see: Robogeisha), but this movie will take you on a dark journey that will make you thank whatever god you believe in that you moved out of your parent’s house*.

A special thanks to a beautiful bombshell, the lovely Katey Kat, for showing this one to me.  Thanks for stopping by, boys and girls of all mentally developed states!  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep making sure that you’re not too much of a baby about it.

*For those of you whom still live with your parents, at least you’re not confined to a crib**.

**If you are confined to a crib and you are anything other than a baby, go ahead a kill something.