Badass-ness: 1/10

Final Villain: 1/10

Bitch-slaps: 9/10

This ruins Catwoman.  If that’s all you read, then it’s all you need to know.  If you want to continue on, then might I suggest Exhibit #1: Halle Berry.  In whose drugged up fantasy was she the ideal choice to play this part?  But don’t forget Exhibit #2: Sharon Stone.  She chose to play a part where the character’s invulnerability comes from make-up, and that’s her problem.  Which brings me to Exhibit #3: A giant make-up scandal?  Were they trying to make this movie unwatchable?  I’m getting ahead of myself, though, so I’ll back up and start from the beginning.

She’s so seductive and sassy, and yet so Halle Berry in a stupid outfit.

We begin our tail (Cat puns right off the bat?  Sweet.) with a sweet and shy office jockey named Patience Phillips, a name which by all accounts would be too horrible to put in a comic book.  Patience is the exact opposite of what Catwoman should be, and you can bet that Halle Berry thought she could pull off both roles with her spunky haircut and underwhelming acting skills.  She can’t.  Patience is quickly killed through a series of coincidences that wind her up in a place she shouldn’t be, looking at things that she shouldn’t see.  Don’t worry though, because a “mysterious” cat finds her corpse and brings her back to life with the added bonus of cat-like powers (and the ability to wield a whip, which I don’t understand).  What’s a working girl to do except go on a little crime spree?

Well, life isn’t all milk saucers and manicures, and soon the thief known as Catwoman is framed for a murder that she didn’t commit.  Sassy.  While her alter-ego’s life is starting to get interesting, the newly-inspired Patience is out dating the policeman who is in charge of the Catwoman case.  Sidebar: I’m in support of Benjamin Bratt as much as the next Demolition Man fan, but he needs to stop being the “hunky bachelor cop with a heart” in every movie he comes across.  His character, Tom, is captivated by the Catwoman, but enchanted by Patience, and that is about as deep as his character gets.  Tom begins to notice some strange behavior from Patience (like jumping around a ferris wheel like it was a set of monkey bars), and eventually uses his slow man-brain to figure out her big secret.  In a dramatic twist, he arrests her, and the future of their relationship is uncertain.  That’s the big ending of the second act, and that is just plain kitty doo-doo.

“Basic Instinct” was a while ago, wasn’t it, Sharon?

Up to this point, Sharon Stone’s character, Laurel Hedare (???), has proven to be a manipulative and conniving bitch.  She’s gotten the Catwoman arrested, killed her husband in the process, and has just taken over his multi-million dollar make-up company.  Well, Patience finally decides to let the Catwoman take over, and now that she’s been made aware that Laurel is the person who killed her in the first place, she sneaks out of prison and confronts the wicked witch for a final showdown.  She’s in for a shock, however, because the years of using toxic make-up have given Laurel invincibility somehow!  There is seemingly no way to hurt her, until Catwoman inadvertently scratches some of the make-up off her cheek.  She then loses all of her steam, falls out of a window, and gives the old “I would rather die than be saved by you” death that absolves the protagonist of any moral or ethical questions responsibility.  Patience breaks up with Tom shortly thereafter, and begins her new life as Catwoman, roaming the rooftops with her trusty whip.  And no Batman.

The idea that Catwoman’s biggest dilemma in the movie was whether or not she could date some detective (who was NOT wearing a cape) is an insult to the character and the fans.  It’s obvious that this was created to try to attract women to the comic book movie genre, but it just condescends to the viewer and makes the titular (heehee) character look weak.  Though, Halle Berry doesn’t help with that, either.  I didn’t like her as Storm, regardless of whatever hairstyle she thought would look “spunky”, and I certainly don’t think that showing her boobs in Swordfish made up for The Flintstones or BAPS.  This movie should be avoided at all cost, because it really is the most terrible kind of bad movie out there.  True, romantic comedies and dramas hurt me like kryptonite, but this is so forced and gender-biased that it belongs on the Lifetime network at 3 a.m. and nowhere else.  If you choose to watch this and ignore my warning, then you are either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid.  Or both.  Do yourself a favor and just watch all of the Michelle Pfeifer scenes in Batman Returns, because I guarantee it makes a way better movie in a quarter of the time.

A special thanks to Halle Berry for pissing me off enough to generously donate a portion of my website to her crappy take of a superhero.  Thanks for stopping by, cats and kittens, and until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep pondering my life choices.

Three ladies, three very different performances.

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Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead

Song and Dance: 7/10

Chicken Fuckers: 8/10

Lemmy Kilmister: 0/10 (unacceptable)

A Troma Team Production.  Is there any sweeter phrase to see at the beginning of a movie?  I submit to you that there is not.  Today’s adventure in to the world of bad movies has led me to Poultrygeist, a sordid tale about a fast-food chicken restaurant built on an ancient Indian (Eagle feather not red dot) burial ground.  As you can imagine, this causes some complications with the food, but we’ll get to that in a second.  Keeping up with the fine tradition of Troma films, there is an excess of boobs, blood, and boner jokes, with the added surprise of some swinging musical numbers!  So don’t be a square, step inside and explore the wacky world of Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead.

Oh Hai Denny! He’s tearing you apart!

Our hero this time is a recent high school grad named Arbie.  After a completely normal dry-humping session with his girlfriend in a graveyard turns sour, the two go their separate ways and end up on opposite sides of the fence (a metaphorical fence).  His girlfriend has become a liberal lesbian opposed to the new American Chicken Bunker restaurant built on said graveyard, and the dejected Arbie has little option but to get a job there.  His coworkers, Denny and Carl Jr., don’t seem too concerned about the pulsating, vain-covered eggs that have begun to pop up in the store-room, and with the impending visit of former KKK member and current CEO of ACB, General Lee, everybody is a little distracted.  They don’t notice the strange events occurring, like a fat man imploding in the bathroom after eating an odd-colored egg, or the food prepper named Paco getting turned in to ground beef after jizzing in the sink.

The death of Paco does bring a silver lining, however.  They turn his ground remains in to Sloppy Jose’s, one of which comes to life and explains that a multitude of evil spirits are about to bear down on the entire restaurant.  Does General Lee listen?  Nope!  He just eats the possessed sandwich and moves on, turning the skies as red as blood.  Meanwhile, Carl Jr. gets his pecker ripped off while fucking a chicken, and after covering the back room with blood and green ooze (again), it’s finally apparent that Arbie needs to tell everyone about the evil chicken spirit…..things.  He’s too late, however, because General Lee has fed an entire mob his infected chicken, and soon the whole restaurant is filled with sick masses barfing glow-in-the-dark pus every which way.

Native American Chicken Zombie orgies are the worst!

Wouldn’t you know it, everyone begins turning in to mutant chicken indians who enjoy eating human flesh and having big, bloody orgies (as is often the case in Troma films).  Arbie and his girl, Wendy, are soon part of a dwindling number of survivors, desperate to find any weakness against the growing epidemic.  Since the evil spirits are Native American, their weakness should be pretty easy to guess: alcohol.  Arbie and Wendy eventually figure that out, and are able to dispatch of the mother cluckers before finding all of the eggs that are about to hatch in the back.  Luckily, the Arab employee, Hummus, is packing a bomb, and she bravely decides to put a jihad on the evil chickens by blowing them to kingdom come.  Arbie and Wendy escape in to a world with an uncertain future, but how long will they last?  Not long.

Lloyd Kaufman is amazing, and he makes a special guest appearance as Arbie’s older self, which is just a complete pleasure.  Ron Jeremy also makes a brief cameo, which rounds out the celebrity quota, and the rest of the cast is a fun group of semi-familiar Troma faces (no Kabukiman though).  The song numbers are inane and sometimes disgusting, which flows perfectly with the rest of the movie, and are actually pretty catchy.  Basically, you won’t be disappointed with one if you know what to expect, and if you don’t know, then this is a great movie to open you up to a world of Troma.  It’s nearing Halloween, and we all need something on the TV while we throw candy at little kids from the roof, so here it is.  Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead, watch it!

Special thanks to Netflix for this one, keep ’em coming!  Thanks for stopping by, hens and roosters!  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep pretending that those strange green orbs on my chicken nuggets are “flavor crystals”.

P.S.  This also happens:

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The Garbage Pail Kids

Nostalgia: 4/10

Bullying: 9/10

Fashion: 9/10

Remember simpler days of trading cards and Ecto-Cooler Hi-C?  When lunch boxes and thermoses roamed the Earth in a completely un-ironic way, and things like pogs and giga-pets were still just a dream in some Japanese guy’s head?  Well, if you recognize any of the words that I have just written, then you may remember the Garbage Pail Kids.  Ugly, deformed, and silly little creatures, their cards worked their way in to hearts of many children from my generation (we were and still are a disturbed lot), and in true Hollywood fashion, if the children approve, a movie must be made.  So let’s check out the Garbage Pail Kids Movie, affectionately titled The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.

She’s a little old for you, dude…..but whetever, it’s the 80’s.

It all starts with little Dodger, a 14 year-old on the run from some 20 year-old bullies.  I’m not exactly sure what their beef is, but in the 80’s I guess bullies just ran around beating up children for the sport of it.  Like I said earlier, a simpler time.  Dodger eventually is released (in to a muddy pit), and goes to his part-time job at an antique store, where his boss reminds him to never touch the dirty trashcan in the middle of all of his treasures.  A problem arises when the bullies track Dodger down to his little hideaway, and accidentally knock over the strange garbage pail, releasing 7 interesting kids who have been trapped in a green slime.  In the business, we call this the inciting incident.

Now free, the Garbage Pail Kids want to have some fun and live a little, but their odd appearance makes that a tricky situation.  In their boredom, they decide to help Dodger with his lady troubles, and give him some fresh new duds.  The lady in question, Tangerine, flips over Dodgers new style, and demands that he make her more clothes that she can sell out of her car.  Eventually, the Garbage Pail Kids are running a small sweat shop to produce enough clothes for Tangerine’s upcoming fashion show, and it is becoming clear that she cares about little else.  Poor Dodger, trapped in the hell that is male puberty, can’t see that she is a lying and manipulating bitch, and goes so far as to trap the GPKs in a basement so that they can’t interfere with the night’s events.

So realistic….it’s almost scary….

The bullies are still around, though, so don’t forget about them.  They sneak in to the basement where the GPKs are playing poker, and have them taken away to the Home For The Ugly.  Apparently, there is a place where ugly people are taken so that they don’t interfere with the rest of us beautiful people.  Dodger, who finally realizes that he shouldn’t listen to his penis, recruits the help of some bikers to break in to the Home For The Ugly, and saves his friends with relative ease.  Only one thing left to do, and that’s to take care of a little fashion show that has been built on a lie.  They burst on to the runway, and literally rip the dresses right off of the models, before causing some serious chaos backstage.  Dodger throws some punches, grows a pair, and tells Tangerine off, creating a complete coming-of-age story that can really teach you…..something….I’m sure.  The Garbage Pail Kids escape in to the night, refusing to be locked back in to a trash can, and the world had better get used to them!

I feel like this would fit on my movie shelf perfectly between Howard The Duck and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, another classic movie from the 80’s that just has a lot of fun with a very niche concept.  The puppeteering is what you would expect from such a dated title, relying heavily on midgets in costumes wearing masks with limited facial movement.  Aspects of the plot are overly-simplistic and obviously aimed at a younger crowd, but with that scary and dark edge found in kids movies before the time of Barney and Tele-fuck-tubbies (and what the shit is an Oogielove?).  If you remember playing with the trading cards during lunch while you watched the one kid who loved to eat pure mayonnaise try to shoved a hot dog up his nose, then check this one out.  Otherwise, you may be slightly disappointed with the lack of explosions or boobs.

Thanks for dropping in, boys and girls, whether you’re from a garbage pail or cabbage patch.  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep living in a past of no responsibility while completely ignoring my current responsibilities.


Can’t fault the source material. Pure gold.

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The Baby

Creepy Factor: 9/10

Swingers: 8/10

Awkward Family Moments: 10/10

Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there.  I was just sitting here, sipping away at my scotch, trying to erase the mental trauma of a little ditty called The Baby.  You see, throughout my travels, I mainly come across zombies, aliens, mutants, supernatural beasts, etc… So it’s rare when the scary part of a movie comes from perfectly normal child abuse.  Also, coming from what some would consider the home of an over-protective single parent (as so many of us are), the idea of a mother who forces her son to stay in a perpetual baby-like state for his entire life is shockingly horrific.  Guess I just spilled the beans (Ants In The Pants!), so I might as well start digging in to the depths of The Baby!

Maybe it’s just me, but I think all babies look the same.

At first everything seems so normal.  A kindly old mother and her two grown daughters are trying to find a new nanny for their “baby”, who happens to be a full-sized man.  The explanation is simple: Baby (yes, his name is Baby) is retarded.  The new nanny, Ann, spends some time with Baby, and she begins to have her doubts, though.  After all, she taught him to play fetch, and that’s a serious improvement from not being able to play fetch.  When Ann tries to demonstrate Baby’s new trick to a very displeased Mrs. Wadsworth (aforementioned mother), she finds that Baby has totally forgotten it in his obvious fear her.  She sets out to get some answers, and realizes that Baby is a completely normal guy who has simply been forced since birth to keep acting like….well, a baby.

If there was any doubt about the validity of this hypothesis, it is quickly dispelled in the following scene, where Baby is being punished with a cattle prod for his attempt to learn.  So now we know the creepy secret, but the movie is only half over…so what’s left?  A bitter war between Ann and Mrs. Wadsworth for the custody of Baby, that’s what.  Words are said and lines are crossed, but Mrs. Wadsworth knows that her days are numbered, so she goes for the power play.  She invites Ann to the creepy 70’s swinger birthday party that she’s throwing for Baby, with the intention of drugging her and killing her.  The plan goes great until Ann escapes from her bondage with Baby in tow, leaving Mama with little choice but to kill her by any means necessary.

This is actually my move on a first date.

Mrs. Wadworth gathers up her two daughters and plans for an old-fashioned home invasion, Ann seeming like rather weak target.  Once in her house, though, things quickly take a new direction, and it is the Wadsworths who are being hunted!  Ann kills the daughters first with various kitchen and household appliances, and saves Mrs. Wadsworth for last.  Why is Ann so desperate to kill them and have Baby for herself?  The shocking twist is that her husband was in a terrible accident and is now a mentally handicapped man-baby, too!  Now, her husband has a full-time playmate and she can get back doing whatever it is crazies do when they accomplish their goals.  It’s good to have goals.

Creepy, right?  The ending blew me away, and all I could do was laugh at its perfection.  Some highlights of the creep-fest include one of the daughters having a sexual relationship with Baby (figure that one out Dr. Phil), one of Baby’s sitters getting off by letting some breast-feeding occur, and, again, the 70’s swinger birthday party for someone believed to be a baby.  Awkward moments aside, this movie has a terrible script and soundtrack, so make sure you turn the volume up so as not to miss any of it.  True, you’re not going to get any explosions, monsters, or swords coming out of anuses (see: Robogeisha), but this movie will take you on a dark journey that will make you thank whatever god you believe in that you moved out of your parent’s house*.

A special thanks to a beautiful bombshell, the lovely Katey Kat, for showing this one to me.  Thanks for stopping by, boys and girls of all mentally developed states!  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep making sure that you’re not too much of a baby about it.

*For those of you whom still live with your parents, at least you’re not confined to a crib**.

**If you are confined to a crib and you are anything other than a baby, go ahead a kill something.

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Iron Sky

Nazis: 8/10

Government Officials: 8/10

Soundtrack: 8/10

In true rock star fashion, my days have been filled with sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll.  Unfortunately for you, that means that I took another of my famous breaks from writing in order to replenish my creative juices…and I was too lazy to update.  Can’t change the past, but I can write for the future,  and the future happens to be at the heart of my review this time.  I was fortunate enough to be introduced to the movie Iron Sky by my friend and talented artist, Aleta Welling, and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t right up my alley.  For those not lucky enough to have a clue what Iron Sky is, all I can say is this: Nazis from the moon.  With that in mind, let’s crack open this nut and expose it for all its Aryan glory.

Subtle….very subtle…..

Things start out normal enough with a manned mission to the moon touching down and bouncing around.  Normal, that is, until the gigantic Nazi installation is discovered and most of the crew is killed.  The lone survivor, James Washington, a black model sent to the moon as a publicity stunt, is captured and studied by the Nazi scientists, and the reality of the situation is soon revealed.  It would seem that towards the end of WWII, a special group of Nazi go-getters decided to leave Earth and take refuge on our celestial playmate, biding their time until a full-scale invasion would be possible.  Believing the moon mission to be the start of an invasion from Earth, the Nazis decide that it would be prudent to finally begin their counter-invasion.  What makes this possible after so many years of hiding and waiting?  None other than the remarkable technology on an iPod, which has a computing power far beyond anything the moon-krauts are able to reproduce.

With plans in place to raise their giant mobile fortress, the Gotterdammerung, they send a small party to assess the situation back on our blue marble before the invasion begins.  James Washington is sent as well, but he’s not quite the same.  Something about him is a little….whiter.  Anyway, the Earth is not quite what they expected, and soon they have been recruited by the President of the United States (a very Palin-esque portrayal) to lead her PR campaign and write some very moving (and Hitler-esque) speeches.  Things are looking great, but the impatient Fuhrer is tired of waiting and decides that it looks like a good time to Reich some wrongs, and a full-scale attack is soon on its way to our atmosphere.

Hey, where’s the black guy…….Oh! Nevermind.

What is the defenseless Earth to do?  Oh, wait, what’s that?  Every single satellite in orbit is a battleship prepped for war (with the exception of Norway….goddammit Norway…)!  A giant space battle breaks out, and at the heart of it is America’s flagship, the George W. Bush.  The Nazis are clearly outmatched until the Gotterdammerung makes its way to the fight, and then it’s all up to James Washington and his new Nazi love, Renate.  They have snuck in to the engine room and are taking down the German mothership from the inside, as long as they can defeat a crazy old scientist and a power-hungry Hitler wannabe.  Want to know how it ends?  Too bad, this time I’m not in the spoiling mood, but I can say that you won’t be disappointed.

The scale and budget of this film are really what make it stand out in the world of bad movies.  It’s not often that you get such high quality special effects for something so strange and foreign, but I have to give credit where credit is due.  For the most part, the cast is a healthy dose of unknowns (but you may see one or two faces that are graciously familiar) and the dialogue is a nice mix of satire and sarcasm.  I’d say this is an all-around good time movie for any occasion, and fully recommend that you get off your various asses and check it out.  If you don’t like it, chances are you have no brain activity worth communicating with, so I won’t even try.

A special thanks to Aleta Welling for introducing me to this one!  Don’t be an asshole and check out her badass art at Noxious Hues.  Thanks for stopping by, boys are girls!  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep saving the world from various space invasions, foreign and domestic.


I forgot to mention that the lead female role is one hot Nazi (dare I call her a Hot-zi).

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Monster High

Boobies: 7/10

Monsters: 6/10

Basketball Game For Fate Of The World: 3/10

Welcome back for another round of me dominating the bad-movie world with my amazing good looks and quasi-clever commentary.  Today’s special is brought to you by the sexible and flexible Katty Katey, and it pretty much shines as an example for what bad movies should be.  That’s right, Monster High is the kind of movie that one can only guess as to why it was ever allowed to be completed once the principal footage was seen.  From start to finish, it is a clusterfuck of random quirks and cliché jokes that just make you feel right at home (assuming your home is filled with monsters and aliens and references to sex…like mine).  The water is nice and warm, so let’s jump in!

Behold the terror of Mr. Armageddon!

Our tale starts out with a little back story courtesy of The Monster In Charge, a shady figure who apparently runs the universe from his desk (in between porking chicks).  According to his files, he imprisoned Mr. Armageddon in a basketball (for real) due to some unpleasant shenanigans that Mr. A tends to pull while ending the world.  Two moronic aliens, Dume and Glume, have accidentally released Mr. Armageddon from his slumber, and now he threatens to bring time to an end (and bang a lot of women) with his own brand of magic.  Ground Zero happens to be at a small highschool where we meet our hero, Norm Median, who’s a middle of the road type guy who just wants to be not so virginal anymore.  His dream girl is Candice Cain, and the two are about to be part of an adventure that neither one of them expected.

The day starts off normal enough, except for the horny rubber statue running around campus thanks to Mr. A.  Eventually, however, students begin disappearing, and monsters start to take their place.  The variety is there, as we have a zombie, a mummy, a robot, aliens, and even a giant weed monster with a bad case of the munchies.  Soon, Norm and Candice are part of a slowly dwindling number of students just trying to get through the day alive (much like regular highschool for most kids), and Norm is trying to balance saving Candice from the constant advances of Mr. Armageddon, and the fact that he is now the new Doomsday Profit.  All hope seems lost until Norm decides to try a time-tested method for saving the planet from certain destruction: He challenges Mr. A to a basketball game for the fate of mankind.

Probably not the best time for this…but what the hell, I’d do the same thing.

As you can imagine, Mr. Armageddon doesn’t like to play by the rules, and his team of monsters (in no way similar to Space Jam) play a little too rough for the varsity basketball team to handle.  Players are going down left and right, and the robot can’t seem to miss a shot.  Norm and Candice have to think fast, and they realize that their only hope is to reprogram the robot for their team (because playing better is definitely out of the question).  After a brief encounter with the aforementioned zombie and weed monster, they successfully create a floppy disc to reprogram the robot with only a minute left on the clock.  Luckily, the score is pretty close, but after the final players get either injured or thrown out of the game, the final play comes down to Norm against Mr. Armageddon in a one-on-one for all of the marbles.  Can Norm’s skills pay the bills?  Apparently so, because after the longest slow-motion jump shot in the history of cinema, Norm brings the final score to 68-66, leaving Mr. Armageddon pissed off and imprisoned again.  The Monster In Charge isn’t quite satisfied with that, however, so he destroys the basketball prison and goes back to being a total boss (much like myself).  Looks like everything can go back to normal, with one small exception: Norm finally lost his virginity.  Happy ending.

The one thing I can say about this movie is that you won’t find any boring parts anywhere, it’s simply too random for that.  Every time you begin to feel stagnant, you will be treated to a new surprise, a new monster, or at the very least a shot of some boobs.  Mr. Armageddon is a ridiculous villain with a strange sense of humor and an insatiable sexual appetite (I can relate), and half of the fun is just seeing what (or who) he’ll do next.  True, if you’re looking for any sort of depth to the characters, you will be sorely out of luck, but if that is what you want, then what the hell are you doing watching Monster High in the first place?  I would recommend this movie to anyone interested in a good laugh, or a great talking piece to have on in the background during a sweet party.  Give it a try, and if you don’t like it…..fuck you.

I’d like to once again give a special thanks to the beautiful Katty Katey for introducing this movie to me, and for being the best bad-movie cohort a shit show like me could hope for.  Thanks for stopping by, boys and girls, and until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep having a monster high while I review them.  Smell ya later!

P.S.  Why the fuck is this what came up when I searched for “Monster High”?

This is why we are failing as a country.

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Dueling Review: The Taint

Penis Count: 10/10

Blood AND Semen: 10/10

Do-It-Yourself Abortion: 8/10

Is it that time again to rock your collective faces off with a Dueling Review by myself and a certain drunken rabble rouser who calls himself Juan?  I believe it is, so strap yourselves in for what might be one of the most inane and dick-filled movies I have ever had the pleasure of sharing on my site.  I’m talking of course about The Taint, which by now you should have been able to gather is filled with things that will prevent you from getting an erection (or whatever the female equivalent is) for days (or in my case, a half-hour or so, because come on, I’m awesome).  But I have places to go and many many many beautiful women to fornicate with, so let’s get this underway.

He’s going to take your face…off!

Initially, this movie begins with some strange shots that can quickly be indentified as the inside of a vagina.  A few horrifying seconds later, and we are treated to some sustained shots of boobs.  Drink it in, because it is the most pleasant thing that you will see for the next hour of your life.  Our “hero” is a young man named Phil O’Ginny, caught in the midst of a terrible epidemic, of which he is completely oblivious.  You see, the water supply has been tainted (hence the title), and is turning all of the men in to raging dicks with raging dicks who want nothing more than to smash women’s faces (I do NOT condone violence towards women…unless I’m forced to repeat myself).  Phil is chased by a crazy redneck weilding a sickle, pooping, bleeding, cumming, and in all likelyhood peeing to kick the action off right away.  Scared and confused, he has a smoke and meanders in to the woods for refuge.  There, he meets Misandra, a woman whose fiancee was transformed in to what can best be described as halfway between a dick and an asshole (I just don’t know the correct term for that…).  She’s been out in the woods killing men ever since she had to smash her beau’s face in, and she graciously allows Phil to join her on a quest to find clean drinking water.

How did the world fall in to such a terrible mess to begin with?  A plethera of flash backs reveal the answer, as well as a story from a crazy and faceless ex-scientist.  It would seem that two ernest young men with a dream of becoming rich and getting their respective dicks sucked set out to create the ultimate boner-increasing medication.  Their creation was Cockzantium, which in small doses gave bats huge erections in trial runs, but the human tests were much more disastrous.  And thanks to an Asian dude with a small pecker (I’m not perpetuting that stereotype, but I’m not going to refute it, either) and a big chip on his shoulder, Cockzantium was introduced in to the local water supply in mass amounts.  Next thing you know, the world is in chaos, penises (Penii?  Peniss?  Penai?) are everywhere, and women are covered in equal parts blood and sperm before their brains are smashed by rocks (you know, the homosexual agenda that Christians are always talking about).

She’s about to have a splitting headache. Man, I’m funny.

Back to the present, Phil and Misandra have to fight their way through hordes of cock (a phrase I never thought that I would ever write), a group of narcissistic gang-raping bros, and torments of their personal past, until they eventually meet the aforementioned faceless scientist who fills them in on all of the backstory.  He gives them wine from his friend’s parent’s basement, which they are shocked to find out is also tainted.  Misandra is killed by hard-on to the head, so it falls on Phil to escape and make his way to safety.  Too bad that he’s been contaminated, and that the world outside is falling apart.  What follows is a five minute scene of shafts being shot off, unbelieveable amounts of blood and man juice, some boobies for those who are brave enough to still look at the screen, and our fearless friend Phil spiraling in to madness.  The movie ends with a kaleidoscope of dicks enveloping him as he finally falls and accepts his fate.  Deep.

If you know me, then you know that I love Shock/Gore films from Japan.  Indeed, those movies helped inspire me to create this online sanctuary for the cinematically challenged, and so to see a low-budget American Shock/Gore film was a real happy ending for me.  The randomness of the opening sequence, the twists and turns throughout the body of the movie, and the attempt at a meaningful ending all added up to an enjoyable (and, quite frankly, disturbing) experience that made need a drink and a smoke in the worst way.  Drew Bolduc, who basically did everything in this movie except write the music, has certainly earned my attention for the future, and I look forward to seeing what other fucked up things can come out of his strangely-shaped head.  In conclusion (6th grade essay style), this tiny piece of Americana is a must-see for anyone who loves seeing monster johnsons spewing pearl jam and exploding, which I estimate to be 0.0000000000000000000000000000000001% of the population.  At a run time of under 70 minutes, it can fit in to even the most hectic of lifestyles, and will probably get people out of your house if a party seems to be going on a little long.  Enjoy at your own risk, and don’t blame me when you actually sit through it.  I’m not sorry.

Thanks to my friend Chako for sponsering this viewing with delicious tacos and cider, illegally downloading the film, and for being an all-around badass.  His view of The Taint can be found at The Awesome Man’s Burden, as with our previous movie ventures, and I recommend that you check it out or be forever doomed to walk the Earth as a douchebag.  I appreciate you stopping by, girls and boys, and hope your bad-movie nights are filled with terrible surprises and awkward laughter.  Until next time, keep watching those bad movie, and I’ll try not to jizz on you and smash your face with a boulder.

P.S.  This also happens.

Use your imagination.

Posted in Dueling Review, Horror Movies, Movie Review, Post Apocalyptic Movies | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment