Catwoman

Badass-ness: 1/10

Final Villain: 1/10

Bitch-slaps: 9/10

This ruins Catwoman.  If that’s all you read, then it’s all you need to know.  If you want to continue on, then might I suggest Exhibit #1: Halle Berry.  In whose drugged up fantasy was she the ideal choice to play this part?  But don’t forget Exhibit #2: Sharon Stone.  She chose to play a part where the character’s invulnerability comes from make-up, and that’s her problem.  Which brings me to Exhibit #3: A giant make-up scandal?  Were they trying to make this movie unwatchable?  I’m getting ahead of myself, though, so I’ll back up and start from the beginning.

She’s so seductive and sassy, and yet so Halle Berry in a stupid outfit.

We begin our tail (Cat puns right off the bat?  Sweet.) with a sweet and shy office jockey named Patience Phillips, a name which by all accounts would be too horrible to put in a comic book.  Patience is the exact opposite of what Catwoman should be, and you can bet that Halle Berry thought she could pull off both roles with her spunky haircut and underwhelming acting skills.  She can’t.  Patience is quickly killed through a series of coincidences that wind her up in a place she shouldn’t be, looking at things that she shouldn’t see.  Don’t worry though, because a “mysterious” cat finds her corpse and brings her back to life with the added bonus of cat-like powers (and the ability to wield a whip, which I don’t understand).  What’s a working girl to do except go on a little crime spree?

Well, life isn’t all milk saucers and manicures, and soon the thief known as Catwoman is framed for a murder that she didn’t commit.  Sassy.  While her alter-ego’s life is starting to get interesting, the newly-inspired Patience is out dating the policeman who is in charge of the Catwoman case.  Sidebar: I’m in support of Benjamin Bratt as much as the next Demolition Man fan, but he needs to stop being the “hunky bachelor cop with a heart” in every movie he comes across.  His character, Tom, is captivated by the Catwoman, but enchanted by Patience, and that is about as deep as his character gets.  Tom begins to notice some strange behavior from Patience (like jumping around a ferris wheel like it was a set of monkey bars), and eventually uses his slow man-brain to figure out her big secret.  In a dramatic twist, he arrests her, and the future of their relationship is uncertain.  That’s the big ending of the second act, and that is just plain kitty doo-doo.

“Basic Instinct” was a while ago, wasn’t it, Sharon?

Up to this point, Sharon Stone’s character, Laurel Hedare (???), has proven to be a manipulative and conniving bitch.  She’s gotten the Catwoman arrested, killed her husband in the process, and has just taken over his multi-million dollar make-up company.  Well, Patience finally decides to let the Catwoman take over, and now that she’s been made aware that Laurel is the person who killed her in the first place, she sneaks out of prison and confronts the wicked witch for a final showdown.  She’s in for a shock, however, because the years of using toxic make-up have given Laurel invincibility somehow!  There is seemingly no way to hurt her, until Catwoman inadvertently scratches some of the make-up off her cheek.  She then loses all of her steam, falls out of a window, and gives the old “I would rather die than be saved by you” death that absolves the protagonist of any moral or ethical questions responsibility.  Patience breaks up with Tom shortly thereafter, and begins her new life as Catwoman, roaming the rooftops with her trusty whip.  And no Batman.

The idea that Catwoman’s biggest dilemma in the movie was whether or not she could date some detective (who was NOT wearing a cape) is an insult to the character and the fans.  It’s obvious that this was created to try to attract women to the comic book movie genre, but it just condescends to the viewer and makes the titular (heehee) character look weak.  Though, Halle Berry doesn’t help with that, either.  I didn’t like her as Storm, regardless of whatever hairstyle she thought would look “spunky”, and I certainly don’t think that showing her boobs in Swordfish made up for The Flintstones or BAPS.  This movie should be avoided at all cost, because it really is the most terrible kind of bad movie out there.  True, romantic comedies and dramas hurt me like kryptonite, but this is so forced and gender-biased that it belongs on the Lifetime network at 3 a.m. and nowhere else.  If you choose to watch this and ignore my warning, then you are either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid.  Or both.  Do yourself a favor and just watch all of the Michelle Pfeifer scenes in Batman Returns, because I guarantee it makes a way better movie in a quarter of the time.

A special thanks to Halle Berry for pissing me off enough to generously donate a portion of my website to her crappy take of a superhero.  Thanks for stopping by, cats and kittens, and until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep pondering my life choices.

Three ladies, three very different performances.

Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead

Song and Dance: 7/10

Chicken Fuckers: 8/10

Lemmy Kilmister: 0/10 (unacceptable)

A Troma Team Production.  Is there any sweeter phrase to see at the beginning of a movie?  I submit to you that there is not.  Today’s adventure in to the world of bad movies has led me to Poultrygeist, a sordid tale about a fast-food chicken restaurant built on an ancient Indian (Eagle feather not red dot) burial ground.  As you can imagine, this causes some complications with the food, but we’ll get to that in a second.  Keeping up with the fine tradition of Troma films, there is an excess of boobs, blood, and boner jokes, with the added surprise of some swinging musical numbers!  So don’t be a square, step inside and explore the wacky world of Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead.

Oh Hai Denny! He’s tearing you apart!

Our hero this time is a recent high school grad named Arbie.  After a completely normal dry-humping session with his girlfriend in a graveyard turns sour, the two go their separate ways and end up on opposite sides of the fence (a metaphorical fence).  His girlfriend has become a liberal lesbian opposed to the new American Chicken Bunker restaurant built on said graveyard, and the dejected Arbie has little option but to get a job there.  His coworkers, Denny and Carl Jr., don’t seem too concerned about the pulsating, vain-covered eggs that have begun to pop up in the store-room, and with the impending visit of former KKK member and current CEO of ACB, General Lee, everybody is a little distracted.  They don’t notice the strange events occurring, like a fat man imploding in the bathroom after eating an odd-colored egg, or the food prepper named Paco getting turned in to ground beef after jizzing in the sink.

The death of Paco does bring a silver lining, however.  They turn his ground remains in to Sloppy Jose’s, one of which comes to life and explains that a multitude of evil spirits are about to bear down on the entire restaurant.  Does General Lee listen?  Nope!  He just eats the possessed sandwich and moves on, turning the skies as red as blood.  Meanwhile, Carl Jr. gets his pecker ripped off while fucking a chicken, and after covering the back room with blood and green ooze (again), it’s finally apparent that Arbie needs to tell everyone about the evil chicken spirit…..things.  He’s too late, however, because General Lee has fed an entire mob his infected chicken, and soon the whole restaurant is filled with sick masses barfing glow-in-the-dark pus every which way.

Native American Chicken Zombie orgies are the worst!

Wouldn’t you know it, everyone begins turning in to mutant chicken indians who enjoy eating human flesh and having big, bloody orgies (as is often the case in Troma films).  Arbie and his girl, Wendy, are soon part of a dwindling number of survivors, desperate to find any weakness against the growing epidemic.  Since the evil spirits are Native American, their weakness should be pretty easy to guess: alcohol.  Arbie and Wendy eventually figure that out, and are able to dispatch of the mother cluckers before finding all of the eggs that are about to hatch in the back.  Luckily, the Arab employee, Hummus, is packing a bomb, and she bravely decides to put a jihad on the evil chickens by blowing them to kingdom come.  Arbie and Wendy escape in to a world with an uncertain future, but how long will they last?  Not long.

Lloyd Kaufman is amazing, and he makes a special guest appearance as Arbie’s older self, which is just a complete pleasure.  Ron Jeremy also makes a brief cameo, which rounds out the celebrity quota, and the rest of the cast is a fun group of semi-familiar Troma faces (no Kabukiman though).  The song numbers are inane and sometimes disgusting, which flows perfectly with the rest of the movie, and are actually pretty catchy.  Basically, you won’t be disappointed with one if you know what to expect, and if you don’t know, then this is a great movie to open you up to a world of Troma.  It’s nearing Halloween, and we all need something on the TV while we throw candy at little kids from the roof, so here it is.  Poultrygeist: Night Of The Chicken Dead, watch it!

Special thanks to Netflix for this one, keep ’em coming!  Thanks for stopping by, hens and roosters!  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep pretending that those strange green orbs on my chicken nuggets are “flavor crystals”.

P.S.  This also happens:

The Garbage Pail Kids

Nostalgia: 4/10

Bullying: 9/10

Fashion: 9/10

Remember simpler days of trading cards and Ecto-Cooler Hi-C?  When lunch boxes and thermoses roamed the Earth in a completely un-ironic way, and things like pogs and giga-pets were still just a dream in some Japanese guy’s head?  Well, if you recognize any of the words that I have just written, then you may remember the Garbage Pail Kids.  Ugly, deformed, and silly little creatures, their cards worked their way in to hearts of many children from my generation (we were and still are a disturbed lot), and in true Hollywood fashion, if the children approve, a movie must be made.  So let’s check out the Garbage Pail Kids Movie, affectionately titled The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.

She’s a little old for you, dude…..but whetever, it’s the 80’s.

It all starts with little Dodger, a 14 year-old on the run from some 20 year-old bullies.  I’m not exactly sure what their beef is, but in the 80’s I guess bullies just ran around beating up children for the sport of it.  Like I said earlier, a simpler time.  Dodger eventually is released (in to a muddy pit), and goes to his part-time job at an antique store, where his boss reminds him to never touch the dirty trashcan in the middle of all of his treasures.  A problem arises when the bullies track Dodger down to his little hideaway, and accidentally knock over the strange garbage pail, releasing 7 interesting kids who have been trapped in a green slime.  In the business, we call this the inciting incident.

Now free, the Garbage Pail Kids want to have some fun and live a little, but their odd appearance makes that a tricky situation.  In their boredom, they decide to help Dodger with his lady troubles, and give him some fresh new duds.  The lady in question, Tangerine, flips over Dodgers new style, and demands that he make her more clothes that she can sell out of her car.  Eventually, the Garbage Pail Kids are running a small sweat shop to produce enough clothes for Tangerine’s upcoming fashion show, and it is becoming clear that she cares about little else.  Poor Dodger, trapped in the hell that is male puberty, can’t see that she is a lying and manipulating bitch, and goes so far as to trap the GPKs in a basement so that they can’t interfere with the night’s events.

So realistic….it’s almost scary….

The bullies are still around, though, so don’t forget about them.  They sneak in to the basement where the GPKs are playing poker, and have them taken away to the Home For The Ugly.  Apparently, there is a place where ugly people are taken so that they don’t interfere with the rest of us beautiful people.  Dodger, who finally realizes that he shouldn’t listen to his penis, recruits the help of some bikers to break in to the Home For The Ugly, and saves his friends with relative ease.  Only one thing left to do, and that’s to take care of a little fashion show that has been built on a lie.  They burst on to the runway, and literally rip the dresses right off of the models, before causing some serious chaos backstage.  Dodger throws some punches, grows a pair, and tells Tangerine off, creating a complete coming-of-age story that can really teach you…..something….I’m sure.  The Garbage Pail Kids escape in to the night, refusing to be locked back in to a trash can, and the world had better get used to them!

I feel like this would fit on my movie shelf perfectly between Howard The Duck and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, another classic movie from the 80’s that just has a lot of fun with a very niche concept.  The puppeteering is what you would expect from such a dated title, relying heavily on midgets in costumes wearing masks with limited facial movement.  Aspects of the plot are overly-simplistic and obviously aimed at a younger crowd, but with that scary and dark edge found in kids movies before the time of Barney and Tele-fuck-tubbies (and what the shit is an Oogielove?).  If you remember playing with the trading cards during lunch while you watched the one kid who loved to eat pure mayonnaise try to shoved a hot dog up his nose, then check this one out.  Otherwise, you may be slightly disappointed with the lack of explosions or boobs.

Thanks for dropping in, boys and girls, whether you’re from a garbage pail or cabbage patch.  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep living in a past of no responsibility while completely ignoring my current responsibilities.

P.S.

Can’t fault the source material. Pure gold.

The Baby

Creepy Factor: 9/10

Swingers: 8/10

Awkward Family Moments: 10/10

Oh, hello, I didn’t see you there.  I was just sitting here, sipping away at my scotch, trying to erase the mental trauma of a little ditty called The Baby.  You see, throughout my travels, I mainly come across zombies, aliens, mutants, supernatural beasts, etc… So it’s rare when the scary part of a movie comes from perfectly normal child abuse.  Also, coming from what some would consider the home of an over-protective single parent (as so many of us are), the idea of a mother who forces her son to stay in a perpetual baby-like state for his entire life is shockingly horrific.  Guess I just spilled the beans (Ants In The Pants!), so I might as well start digging in to the depths of The Baby!

Maybe it’s just me, but I think all babies look the same.

At first everything seems so normal.  A kindly old mother and her two grown daughters are trying to find a new nanny for their “baby”, who happens to be a full-sized man.  The explanation is simple: Baby (yes, his name is Baby) is retarded.  The new nanny, Ann, spends some time with Baby, and she begins to have her doubts, though.  After all, she taught him to play fetch, and that’s a serious improvement from not being able to play fetch.  When Ann tries to demonstrate Baby’s new trick to a very displeased Mrs. Wadsworth (aforementioned mother), she finds that Baby has totally forgotten it in his obvious fear her.  She sets out to get some answers, and realizes that Baby is a completely normal guy who has simply been forced since birth to keep acting like….well, a baby.

If there was any doubt about the validity of this hypothesis, it is quickly dispelled in the following scene, where Baby is being punished with a cattle prod for his attempt to learn.  So now we know the creepy secret, but the movie is only half over…so what’s left?  A bitter war between Ann and Mrs. Wadsworth for the custody of Baby, that’s what.  Words are said and lines are crossed, but Mrs. Wadsworth knows that her days are numbered, so she goes for the power play.  She invites Ann to the creepy 70’s swinger birthday party that she’s throwing for Baby, with the intention of drugging her and killing her.  The plan goes great until Ann escapes from her bondage with Baby in tow, leaving Mama with little choice but to kill her by any means necessary.

This is actually my move on a first date.

Mrs. Wadworth gathers up her two daughters and plans for an old-fashioned home invasion, Ann seeming like rather weak target.  Once in her house, though, things quickly take a new direction, and it is the Wadsworths who are being hunted!  Ann kills the daughters first with various kitchen and household appliances, and saves Mrs. Wadsworth for last.  Why is Ann so desperate to kill them and have Baby for herself?  The shocking twist is that her husband was in a terrible accident and is now a mentally handicapped man-baby, too!  Now, her husband has a full-time playmate and she can get back doing whatever it is crazies do when they accomplish their goals.  It’s good to have goals.

Creepy, right?  The ending blew me away, and all I could do was laugh at its perfection.  Some highlights of the creep-fest include one of the daughters having a sexual relationship with Baby (figure that one out Dr. Phil), one of Baby’s sitters getting off by letting some breast-feeding occur, and, again, the 70’s swinger birthday party for someone believed to be a baby.  Awkward moments aside, this movie has a terrible script and soundtrack, so make sure you turn the volume up so as not to miss any of it.  True, you’re not going to get any explosions, monsters, or swords coming out of anuses (see: Robogeisha), but this movie will take you on a dark journey that will make you thank whatever god you believe in that you moved out of your parent’s house*.

A special thanks to a beautiful bombshell, the lovely Katey Kat, for showing this one to me.  Thanks for stopping by, boys and girls of all mentally developed states!  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep making sure that you’re not too much of a baby about it.

*For those of you whom still live with your parents, at least you’re not confined to a crib**.

**If you are confined to a crib and you are anything other than a baby, go ahead a kill something.

Iron Sky

Nazis: 8/10

Government Officials: 8/10

Soundtrack: 8/10

In true rock star fashion, my days have been filled with sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll.  Unfortunately for you, that means that I took another of my famous breaks from writing in order to replenish my creative juices…and I was too lazy to update.  Can’t change the past, but I can write for the future,  and the future happens to be at the heart of my review this time.  I was fortunate enough to be introduced to the movie Iron Sky by my friend and talented artist, Aleta Welling, and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t right up my alley.  For those not lucky enough to have a clue what Iron Sky is, all I can say is this: Nazis from the moon.  With that in mind, let’s crack open this nut and expose it for all its Aryan glory.

Subtle….very subtle…..

Things start out normal enough with a manned mission to the moon touching down and bouncing around.  Normal, that is, until the gigantic Nazi installation is discovered and most of the crew is killed.  The lone survivor, James Washington, a black model sent to the moon as a publicity stunt, is captured and studied by the Nazi scientists, and the reality of the situation is soon revealed.  It would seem that towards the end of WWII, a special group of Nazi go-getters decided to leave Earth and take refuge on our celestial playmate, biding their time until a full-scale invasion would be possible.  Believing the moon mission to be the start of an invasion from Earth, the Nazis decide that it would be prudent to finally begin their counter-invasion.  What makes this possible after so many years of hiding and waiting?  None other than the remarkable technology on an iPod, which has a computing power far beyond anything the moon-krauts are able to reproduce.

With plans in place to raise their giant mobile fortress, the Gotterdammerung, they send a small party to assess the situation back on our blue marble before the invasion begins.  James Washington is sent as well, but he’s not quite the same.  Something about him is a little….whiter.  Anyway, the Earth is not quite what they expected, and soon they have been recruited by the President of the United States (a very Palin-esque portrayal) to lead her PR campaign and write some very moving (and Hitler-esque) speeches.  Things are looking great, but the impatient Fuhrer is tired of waiting and decides that it looks like a good time to Reich some wrongs, and a full-scale attack is soon on its way to our atmosphere.

Hey, where’s the black guy…….Oh! Nevermind.

What is the defenseless Earth to do?  Oh, wait, what’s that?  Every single satellite in orbit is a battleship prepped for war (with the exception of Norway….goddammit Norway…)!  A giant space battle breaks out, and at the heart of it is America’s flagship, the George W. Bush.  The Nazis are clearly outmatched until the Gotterdammerung makes its way to the fight, and then it’s all up to James Washington and his new Nazi love, Renate.  They have snuck in to the engine room and are taking down the German mothership from the inside, as long as they can defeat a crazy old scientist and a power-hungry Hitler wannabe.  Want to know how it ends?  Too bad, this time I’m not in the spoiling mood, but I can say that you won’t be disappointed.

The scale and budget of this film are really what make it stand out in the world of bad movies.  It’s not often that you get such high quality special effects for something so strange and foreign, but I have to give credit where credit is due.  For the most part, the cast is a healthy dose of unknowns (but you may see one or two faces that are graciously familiar) and the dialogue is a nice mix of satire and sarcasm.  I’d say this is an all-around good time movie for any occasion, and fully recommend that you get off your various asses and check it out.  If you don’t like it, chances are you have no brain activity worth communicating with, so I won’t even try.

A special thanks to Aleta Welling for introducing me to this one!  Don’t be an asshole and check out her badass art at Noxious Hues.  Thanks for stopping by, boys are girls!  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep saving the world from various space invasions, foreign and domestic.

P.S.

I forgot to mention that the lead female role is one hot Nazi (dare I call her a Hot-zi).

Monster High

Boobies: 7/10

Monsters: 6/10

Basketball Game For Fate Of The World: 3/10

Welcome back for another round of me dominating the bad-movie world with my amazing good looks and quasi-clever commentary.  Today’s special is brought to you by the sexible and flexible Katty Katey, and it pretty much shines as an example for what bad movies should be.  That’s right, Monster High is the kind of movie that one can only guess as to why it was ever allowed to be completed once the principal footage was seen.  From start to finish, it is a clusterfuck of random quirks and cliché jokes that just make you feel right at home (assuming your home is filled with monsters and aliens and references to sex…like mine).  The water is nice and warm, so let’s jump in!

Behold the terror of Mr. Armageddon!

Our tale starts out with a little back story courtesy of The Monster In Charge, a shady figure who apparently runs the universe from his desk (in between porking chicks).  According to his files, he imprisoned Mr. Armageddon in a basketball (for real) due to some unpleasant shenanigans that Mr. A tends to pull while ending the world.  Two moronic aliens, Dume and Glume, have accidentally released Mr. Armageddon from his slumber, and now he threatens to bring time to an end (and bang a lot of women) with his own brand of magic.  Ground Zero happens to be at a small highschool where we meet our hero, Norm Median, who’s a middle of the road type guy who just wants to be not so virginal anymore.  His dream girl is Candice Cain, and the two are about to be part of an adventure that neither one of them expected.

The day starts off normal enough, except for the horny rubber statue running around campus thanks to Mr. A.  Eventually, however, students begin disappearing, and monsters start to take their place.  The variety is there, as we have a zombie, a mummy, a robot, aliens, and even a giant weed monster with a bad case of the munchies.  Soon, Norm and Candice are part of a slowly dwindling number of students just trying to get through the day alive (much like regular highschool for most kids), and Norm is trying to balance saving Candice from the constant advances of Mr. Armageddon, and the fact that he is now the new Doomsday Profit.  All hope seems lost until Norm decides to try a time-tested method for saving the planet from certain destruction: He challenges Mr. A to a basketball game for the fate of mankind.

Probably not the best time for this…but what the hell, I’d do the same thing.

As you can imagine, Mr. Armageddon doesn’t like to play by the rules, and his team of monsters (in no way similar to Space Jam) play a little too rough for the varsity basketball team to handle.  Players are going down left and right, and the robot can’t seem to miss a shot.  Norm and Candice have to think fast, and they realize that their only hope is to reprogram the robot for their team (because playing better is definitely out of the question).  After a brief encounter with the aforementioned zombie and weed monster, they successfully create a floppy disc to reprogram the robot with only a minute left on the clock.  Luckily, the score is pretty close, but after the final players get either injured or thrown out of the game, the final play comes down to Norm against Mr. Armageddon in a one-on-one for all of the marbles.  Can Norm’s skills pay the bills?  Apparently so, because after the longest slow-motion jump shot in the history of cinema, Norm brings the final score to 68-66, leaving Mr. Armageddon pissed off and imprisoned again.  The Monster In Charge isn’t quite satisfied with that, however, so he destroys the basketball prison and goes back to being a total boss (much like myself).  Looks like everything can go back to normal, with one small exception: Norm finally lost his virginity.  Happy ending.

The one thing I can say about this movie is that you won’t find any boring parts anywhere, it’s simply too random for that.  Every time you begin to feel stagnant, you will be treated to a new surprise, a new monster, or at the very least a shot of some boobs.  Mr. Armageddon is a ridiculous villain with a strange sense of humor and an insatiable sexual appetite (I can relate), and half of the fun is just seeing what (or who) he’ll do next.  True, if you’re looking for any sort of depth to the characters, you will be sorely out of luck, but if that is what you want, then what the hell are you doing watching Monster High in the first place?  I would recommend this movie to anyone interested in a good laugh, or a great talking piece to have on in the background during a sweet party.  Give it a try, and if you don’t like it…..fuck you.

I’d like to once again give a special thanks to the beautiful Katty Katey for introducing this movie to me, and for being the best bad-movie cohort a shit show like me could hope for.  Thanks for stopping by, boys and girls, and until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep having a monster high while I review them.  Smell ya later!

P.S.  Why the fuck is this what came up when I searched for “Monster High”?

This is why we are failing as a country.

Dueling Review: The Taint

Penis Count: 10/10

Blood AND Semen: 10/10

Do-It-Yourself Abortion: 8/10

Is it that time again to rock your collective faces off with a Dueling Review by myself and a certain drunken rabble rouser who calls himself Juan?  I believe it is, so strap yourselves in for what might be one of the most inane and dick-filled movies I have ever had the pleasure of sharing on my site.  I’m talking of course about The Taint, which by now you should have been able to gather is filled with things that will prevent you from getting an erection (or whatever the female equivalent is) for days (or in my case, a half-hour or so, because come on, I’m awesome).  But I have places to go and many many many beautiful women to fornicate with, so let’s get this underway.

He’s going to take your face…off!

Initially, this movie begins with some strange shots that can quickly be indentified as the inside of a vagina.  A few horrifying seconds later, and we are treated to some sustained shots of boobs.  Drink it in, because it is the most pleasant thing that you will see for the next hour of your life.  Our “hero” is a young man named Phil O’Ginny, caught in the midst of a terrible epidemic, of which he is completely oblivious.  You see, the water supply has been tainted (hence the title), and is turning all of the men in to raging dicks with raging dicks who want nothing more than to smash women’s faces (I do NOT condone violence towards women…unless I’m forced to repeat myself).  Phil is chased by a crazy redneck weilding a sickle, pooping, bleeding, cumming, and in all likelyhood peeing to kick the action off right away.  Scared and confused, he has a smoke and meanders in to the woods for refuge.  There, he meets Misandra, a woman whose fiancee was transformed in to what can best be described as halfway between a dick and an asshole (I just don’t know the correct term for that…).  She’s been out in the woods killing men ever since she had to smash her beau’s face in, and she graciously allows Phil to join her on a quest to find clean drinking water.

How did the world fall in to such a terrible mess to begin with?  A plethera of flash backs reveal the answer, as well as a story from a crazy and faceless ex-scientist.  It would seem that two ernest young men with a dream of becoming rich and getting their respective dicks sucked set out to create the ultimate boner-increasing medication.  Their creation was Cockzantium, which in small doses gave bats huge erections in trial runs, but the human tests were much more disastrous.  And thanks to an Asian dude with a small pecker (I’m not perpetuting that stereotype, but I’m not going to refute it, either) and a big chip on his shoulder, Cockzantium was introduced in to the local water supply in mass amounts.  Next thing you know, the world is in chaos, penises (Penii?  Peniss?  Penai?) are everywhere, and women are covered in equal parts blood and sperm before their brains are smashed by rocks (you know, the homosexual agenda that Christians are always talking about).

She’s about to have a splitting headache. Man, I’m funny.

Back to the present, Phil and Misandra have to fight their way through hordes of cock (a phrase I never thought that I would ever write), a group of narcissistic gang-raping bros, and torments of their personal past, until they eventually meet the aforementioned faceless scientist who fills them in on all of the backstory.  He gives them wine from his friend’s parent’s basement, which they are shocked to find out is also tainted.  Misandra is killed by hard-on to the head, so it falls on Phil to escape and make his way to safety.  Too bad that he’s been contaminated, and that the world outside is falling apart.  What follows is a five minute scene of shafts being shot off, unbelieveable amounts of blood and man juice, some boobies for those who are brave enough to still look at the screen, and our fearless friend Phil spiraling in to madness.  The movie ends with a kaleidoscope of dicks enveloping him as he finally falls and accepts his fate.  Deep.

If you know me, then you know that I love Shock/Gore films from Japan.  Indeed, those movies helped inspire me to create this online sanctuary for the cinematically challenged, and so to see a low-budget American Shock/Gore film was a real happy ending for me.  The randomness of the opening sequence, the twists and turns throughout the body of the movie, and the attempt at a meaningful ending all added up to an enjoyable (and, quite frankly, disturbing) experience that made need a drink and a smoke in the worst way.  Drew Bolduc, who basically did everything in this movie except write the music, has certainly earned my attention for the future, and I look forward to seeing what other fucked up things can come out of his strangely-shaped head.  In conclusion (6th grade essay style), this tiny piece of Americana is a must-see for anyone who loves seeing monster johnsons spewing pearl jam and exploding, which I estimate to be 0.0000000000000000000000000000000001% of the population.  At a run time of under 70 minutes, it can fit in to even the most hectic of lifestyles, and will probably get people out of your house if a party seems to be going on a little long.  Enjoy at your own risk, and don’t blame me when you actually sit through it.  I’m not sorry.

Thanks to my friend Chako for sponsering this viewing with delicious tacos and cider, illegally downloading the film, and for being an all-around badass.  His view of The Taint can be found at The Awesome Man’s Burden, as with our previous movie ventures, and I recommend that you check it out or be forever doomed to walk the Earth as a douchebag.  I appreciate you stopping by, girls and boys, and hope your bad-movie nights are filled with terrible surprises and awkward laughter.  Until next time, keep watching those bad movie, and I’ll try not to jizz on you and smash your face with a boulder.

P.S.  This also happens.

Use your imagination.

Oblivion

Special Effects: 4/10

Star Trek References: 7/10

George Takei: 10/10

I hope you’re all enjoying your summers, because so far mine has been like an outhouse: hot and full of shit.  I’ve changed locations, kept my style, and continued to kick ass in the various aspects of my personal life, but you don’t need to know about any of that.  You’re here to learn about my latest venture in to the world of bad movies, and I know that I have once again taken your expectations and blown them away.  How, you ask?  Two words: Space Western.  That’s right, this time it’s Oblivion, a movie which takes place on a planet far from Earth, but is strangely modeled after the old west (it makes sense if you’re mentally handicapped in some way).  Let’s get in to it, shall we?

I’m not sure what the name of the planet is, but our story is set in the town of Oblivion, population 539 (quickly made 538 because our villain eats a weird bird/rat thing which is apparently a citizen).  The villain is Red Eye, a humanoid lizard with one goal in mind: kill the local Marshall and take over the town.  It’s almost too easy for him, since he has a blue glowing rock called Draconium, which can deactivate electrical equipment (such as the Marshall’s shield and the Deputy’s cyborg body).  Once the dishes are done, Red Eye and his gang begin to do all the basic western villain stuff, like torturing citizens, wrecking up shops, and essentially striking fear in to the hearts of everyone.  Who will rise up to put an end to their terrible reign?

Two looks I never want to see on someone carrying a gun.

Meet Zack.  He’s the son of the recently departed Marshall, and he’s been spending his time roaming the Badlands trying to score some Draconium of his own (to his own bad luck, all he keeps finding is gold-ha ha).  When he stumbles across a Native who is tied down and awaiting death, he saves the man’s life and makes a new friend.  Together, they discover what happened to Zack’s dad, and begin to make their way back to Oblivion.  They arrive in time for the funeral, and Zack makes it very clear that he will in no way go out for revenge.  He says it’s because he is an empath (like DeAnna Troi) and he can’t stand to feel death, I say it’s because he’s got a bad case of the Mondays (I’d like to do a shout out to Garfield).  The townsfolk are so pathetic and fearful that he agrees to be the new Marshall, but what will happen if Zack has to kill Red Eye in order to keep the law?  Let’s find out in our thrilling conclusion!

Cool gang bro.

He feeds the dude to a huge mutant scorpion thing that rocks the body like a hurricane, in the most painful way possible(and feels it all :o).  I just skipped over a bunch of filler, but I didn’t want to leave you hanging with that burning question.  After an initial brawl, Zack and his crackerjack team track down Red Eye’s gang in the Badlands (ooooooooooooooohhhh), and the final showdown begins.  Everybody splits off in to one-on-one fights (just like in all of my gang fights), and slowly, slowly, slowly, but surely, Red Eye’s clusterbunch is no more.  What does Zack say about the whole ordeal?  What lesson did he learn about responsibility or family or some other such?  I don’t know, because he mumbles something under his breath and then the credits pop on faster than a speeding bullet (or locomotive…whatever, purists).

Carel Struycken!

Let’s get down to brass tax: is this worth your time?  Your reading this, so I can safely assume you either 1) are easily amused, 2) have a thirst for terrible, or 3) thought this was porn site and are wondering where all of the thumbnails are located.  In any case, let me tell you that there are far better bad movies out there to enjoy.  A couple of the highlights include George Takei’s drunken doctor character, who just continually makes blatent Star Trek references.  Also, the cyborg Deputy is a hoot and a half with all of her little quirks, and the Undertaker is Carel Struycken.  He would be a Bad Movie Badass if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve never seen him in a bad movie other than this (though I think I just may now)…and I fucking love the Addams Family movies (huge Lurch fan).  Bonus alert:  I even hear there’s a sequel to this movie.  Goodie.  So if you really have to, carve out some time for this one while you’re cleaning your room or doing something else productive.  Otherwise, keep browsing Netflix for something a little better.

Thanks for stopping by, guys and gals, and until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep watching the friendly skies for outlaw UFOs to destroy.

P.S.  She can feel me anytime.  Engage.

She gives me a Make-It-So-ner.

Big Money Rustlas

Pimp Slaps: 9/10

Crudity:  9/10

Character Names: 2/10

I’m constantly surprised by the strange things I find myself shoving in my eye holes, and a western starring the one and only Insane Clown Posse is another classic example of a bad movie that renews my faith in the genre of terrible cinema.  You’re probably sitting there asking yourself why I would waste my time with such a title, but you should be asking yourself why you’re wasting time and (I’m assuming) precious brain power asking idiotic questions.  How could I pass up watching a movie made by people whose fans are called “juggalos”?  How could I possibly deny myself the joy of seeing the movie equivalent of Turkish Delight?  Note: “Turkish Delight” is a British treat consisting of jelly covered in chocolate, so I’m referencing the fact that these two things belong nowhere near each other.  That shit is gross.

Our story is set in the town of Mud Bug, which has been long since taken over by the quickest draw in the west: Big Baby Chips (Voilent J for you juggalos out there).  His one goal is to “make more moonaaaaaaaay”, which he does by cheating at cards, and killing anyone else who dares try to do the same.  All is well until a drifter by the name of Sugar Wolf (Shaggy 2 Dope) rides in to town to visit his dear mother, and undertakes the task of cleaning up the town.  Backstory Remix:  Sugar Wolf’s father was the old Sheriff, but when it became clear that no one was safe in Mud Bug, Sugar Wolf’s mother sent him away to keep him safe (and subsequently set up shop to give the best handjobs in the West).

Monnaaaaaaay and make-up, a deadly combination....

Big Baby Chips decides to test the new Sheriff with an assassin named The Ghost, who is bulletproof and can shoot lasers out of his eyes.  With the help of his new friend, Dirty Sanchez (seriously), Sugar Wolf is able to turn the tides on The Ghost and come out victorious.  With his first major win under his belt, he hooks up with a kinky midget chick and has some R&R, but Big Baby Chips isn’t done yet.  His next assassin, The Foot, uses the power of his oversized and extremely foul (you guessed it) foot to beat his enemies into submission, but due to some conveniently placed explosives, Sugar Wolf is able to dispatch the uniped merc with minimal issues.  The final assassin, cleverly disguised as the aforementioned midget, reveals that she is actually a man while Sugar Wolf has his guard down, and is able to shoot clear through his shooting hand before literally getting thrown all around the place.  Sugar Wolf wins again, but his victory has come with a terrible price.

After a brief visit with his mother, and a few pep talks from Dirty Sanchez, Sugar Wolf is ready to train his left hand to be just a lethal as his right used to be, and challenges Big Baby Chips to a duel in ten days.  What follows is one of the most strange and idiotic training montages I have ever seen, but when Sugar Wolf gets the full strength of his pimp slap back, you know that it’s on.  The day of the duel arrives, and when push comes to shove, Sugar Wolf is able to pull off the W with ease.  He gets Big Baby Chips square in the chest, but then learns a terrible secret once he removes the clown make-up.  That’s right, Big Baby Chips (Violent J) is actually Sugar Wolf’s father, Grizzly Wolf (Ron Jeremy).  He had just gotten tired of being a law man, and well, wanted to make that sweet moonaaaaaaay.  After all the excitement dies down, Mud Bug becomes a better place to live, and we’re all relieved to see those credits.

I was very surprised at the cameos here, which include, but are not limited to, Jason Mewes, Vanilla Ice, Kid Dynamite, Bridgitte Neilson, and Dustin Diamond (Screech?).  With star power like that, it’s understandable why they went a little soft on the writing.  Well, let’s be honest, with the sheer amount of weed they had to smoke to think that this was a good idea, I’m amazed any of them made it out of the house each day.  Some story highlights include catchy songs (“Near My Butt” comes to mind), a quasi-narrator who constantly adjusts the town’s population based on recent killings, Jason Mewes as a moronic deputy who constantly pisses himself, and of course, the homophobic and extremely low-brow style that ICP is so well-known for.  If you’re a fan, then by all means watch this movie while you paint your face like an evil clown and tell people how much of a pimp you are.  If you’re not a fan, over the age of 12, and/or have a job, then this might not be a movie you can fully get in to.  Want to try it anyway?  Then make sure someone brings some kind of drug, or you may just feel like you wasted an evening, and that’s your own damn fault.

Thanks for stopping by and reading what I’m sure was the highlight to your otherwise dark and humorless life.  Until next time, juggalos and juggalettes, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep pretending that I give a shit if you’re offended that I don’t like your crappy band.

P.S.  I’m really glad that I got in to Billy Joel and Phil Collins as a kid…

There's nothing funny about an angsty clown.

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians

Martian Technology: 1/10

Toy Making Technology: 1/10

Fight Choreography: 0.5/10

Looks like we have a special treat today for the boys and girls, since your dear old Uncle Bad Movie Bob is writing about a movie that’s fun for the whole family.  Ordinarily, I don’t suggest that you subject small children to the rampant garbage that tends to find itself on my T.V. screen (I still rock a TV set, fuck you flatscreen users), but since X-mas is only 8 months away, why not get in to the spirit of it?  Also, this movie has been at the front of my queue for months now, and a little spring cleaning was in order.  Anyway, without further ado, I give you Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.

There is something very wrong with the children on Mars.  Despite the fact that they are taught to be calm and logical, fed pills instead of food, and denied any sort of XBOX, they seem depressed and lethargic (yes, I know what that word means).  The leader of the Martians and prospective Father Of The Year, Kimar, is determined to find a solution, and after consulting with a mysterious old man in the middle of nowhere, he finds out that Mars is in desperate need of a Santa Claus.  Eager to go to Earth for something other than giving anal probes to cows and rednecks, Kimar jumps in “Spaceship #1” (its actual name) with a crackpot team of other Martian men, who swear to return with good ol’ Saint Nick.

That's no hair dryer...that's a freeze ray!

They quickly discover, however, that Earth is home to many people who fit the description of Santa, and they all seem to be on different street corners ringing bells.  They are forced to ask for directions to Santa’s house, and they first come across little Billy and Betty playing in a field.  After a brief introduction, the kids explain that Santa lives in the North Pole, and all those other guys are just his helpers.  With the knowledge they need now in their grasp, they kidnap the children and race to the North Pole.  Why kidnap the children, you ask?  So that they won’t tell the government that Santa was kidnapped by Martians.  Duh.    Once they have the Claus on board, it’s full speed back to Mars, but the plot thickens.

One of the Martians, Voldar, hates every part of this plan.  He hates kids, hates Santa, hates laughter, and hates pretty much everything else except mustaches.  He even attempts to kill Santa and the kids by ejecting them from the airlock, but thanks to Santa’s magic ability to get through tight spaces, they make it through alive.  Once back on Mars, Kimar wastes no time in building Santa a state-of-the-art toy factory capable of making (are you ready for this) 5 different toys!  The letters start pouring in from the martian children, and Santa gets to work on giving them a proper X-mas.  He stays jolly in true Santa form, even when he is told that he can never return to Earth, and decides to make the best of his situation.  Voldar, however, still wants to destroy everything to do with fun, so he gets a gang together for one last raid against Santa’s Workshop.  Much to his surprise, the children are ready for him, and retaliate by attacking him with toys.  The whole situation is so emotionally damaging that Voldar begins to cry and gives up (seriously), and Kimar takes him away to Martian jail.  Oh, and he also tells Santa, Billy, and Betty that they can go home, too.  Everything is wrapped up as neatly as a gift, and the credits roll with a pretty awesome song about Santa and Martians.

There’s a lot to go over here, so I’ll try to keep it brief.  The design of the Martians reminded me of some highschool diorama project that I waited until the night before it was due to start.  The script (if there was indeed a script) seemed to have been written by an elementary school class attempting to demonstrate the value of democracy in the creative process.  The set design is so low-budget that it’s hard to understand why they didn’t just draw the background out with crayons and see if anyone noticed.  The fight scenes were…..just bad.  Look, I could go on and on, but the bottom line is that it really doesn’t get much worse than this if you’re looking in the cheap bins.  Grab the kids, grab the dogs, call your neighbors over, and sit around the tube to enjoy this masterpiece, because when I recommend a family movie, you know it’s a rare gem.

Thanks for stopping by, children of the world (and any other worlds), I hope you’re all being good boys and girls (or whatever genders are on your planet).  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, or aliens may abduct a semi-religious holiday’s icon that you actually care about.

P.S.  Did I mention that there is a robot?

There's totally a robot.