Special Effects: 4/10

Star Trek References: 7/10

George Takei: 10/10

I hope you’re all enjoying your summers, because so far mine has been like an outhouse: hot and full of shit.  I’ve changed locations, kept my style, and continued to kick ass in the various aspects of my personal life, but you don’t need to know about any of that.  You’re here to learn about my latest venture in to the world of bad movies, and I know that I have once again taken your expectations and blown them away.  How, you ask?  Two words: Space Western.  That’s right, this time it’s Oblivion, a movie which takes place on a planet far from Earth, but is strangely modeled after the old west (it makes sense if you’re mentally handicapped in some way).  Let’s get in to it, shall we?

I’m not sure what the name of the planet is, but our story is set in the town of Oblivion, population 539 (quickly made 538 because our villain eats a weird bird/rat thing which is apparently a citizen).  The villain is Red Eye, a humanoid lizard with one goal in mind: kill the local Marshall and take over the town.  It’s almost too easy for him, since he has a blue glowing rock called Draconium, which can deactivate electrical equipment (such as the Marshall’s shield and the Deputy’s cyborg body).  Once the dishes are done, Red Eye and his gang begin to do all the basic western villain stuff, like torturing citizens, wrecking up shops, and essentially striking fear in to the hearts of everyone.  Who will rise up to put an end to their terrible reign?

Two looks I never want to see on someone carrying a gun.

Meet Zack.  He’s the son of the recently departed Marshall, and he’s been spending his time roaming the Badlands trying to score some Draconium of his own (to his own bad luck, all he keeps finding is gold-ha ha).  When he stumbles across a Native who is tied down and awaiting death, he saves the man’s life and makes a new friend.  Together, they discover what happened to Zack’s dad, and begin to make their way back to Oblivion.  They arrive in time for the funeral, and Zack makes it very clear that he will in no way go out for revenge.  He says it’s because he is an empath (like DeAnna Troi) and he can’t stand to feel death, I say it’s because he’s got a bad case of the Mondays (I’d like to do a shout out to Garfield).  The townsfolk are so pathetic and fearful that he agrees to be the new Marshall, but what will happen if Zack has to kill Red Eye in order to keep the law?  Let’s find out in our thrilling conclusion!

Cool gang bro.

He feeds the dude to a huge mutant scorpion thing that rocks the body like a hurricane, in the most painful way possible(and feels it all :o).  I just skipped over a bunch of filler, but I didn’t want to leave you hanging with that burning question.  After an initial brawl, Zack and his crackerjack team track down Red Eye’s gang in the Badlands (ooooooooooooooohhhh), and the final showdown begins.  Everybody splits off in to one-on-one fights (just like in all of my gang fights), and slowly, slowly, slowly, but surely, Red Eye’s clusterbunch is no more.  What does Zack say about the whole ordeal?  What lesson did he learn about responsibility or family or some other such?  I don’t know, because he mumbles something under his breath and then the credits pop on faster than a speeding bullet (or locomotive…whatever, purists).

Carel Struycken!

Let’s get down to brass tax: is this worth your time?  Your reading this, so I can safely assume you either 1) are easily amused, 2) have a thirst for terrible, or 3) thought this was porn site and are wondering where all of the thumbnails are located.  In any case, let me tell you that there are far better bad movies out there to enjoy.  A couple of the highlights include George Takei’s drunken doctor character, who just continually makes blatent Star Trek references.  Also, the cyborg Deputy is a hoot and a half with all of her little quirks, and the Undertaker is Carel Struycken.  He would be a Bad Movie Badass if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve never seen him in a bad movie other than this (though I think I just may now)…and I fucking love the Addams Family movies (huge Lurch fan).  Bonus alert:  I even hear there’s a sequel to this movie.  Goodie.  So if you really have to, carve out some time for this one while you’re cleaning your room or doing something else productive.  Otherwise, keep browsing Netflix for something a little better.

Thanks for stopping by, guys and gals, and until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep watching the friendly skies for outlaw UFOs to destroy.

P.S.  She can feel me anytime.  Engage.

She gives me a Make-It-So-ner.

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