The Stuff

Dangerously Delicious: 9/10

Thought Into Title: 0/10

Explanation Of Story: 1/10

Oh Dang!  I love getting suggestions from Michele!  She knows exactly what movies turn my gears (and anything else that turns my gears), so it’s always a good time!  Before you ask, yes, I am drunk right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to not write the worst review you’ve ever read (yay for triple negatives)!  And if all of you rubberneckers and looky-loos can just focus for one second, you will see that things are about to get more real than you can possibly fathom.  Comin’ up right now to sexify your minds and entice your senses: The Stuff.

It starts out simple enough.  A man walking in the snow finds a bubbling mound of white stuff in the middle of nowhere.  What does he do first with this mysterious substance?  Why, he eats it of course!  Turns out that its f**king delicious, and he has the great idea of selling it in mass quantities.  Within a matter of seconds(movie time….that’s about 3 months real-time), “The Stuff” is the most popular dessert item in America, boasting the tag line “Enough Is Never Enough”.  True, nobody knows what exactly The Stuff is, but it is so delicious that it has to be good for you!  Plus, I’m pretty sure that its low-fat!

In an attempt to discover what The Stuff is, the major ice cream companies hire a corporate espionage expert to go under cover and get some facts.  His name is Moe Rutherford(not to be confused with Mike Rutherford of Genesis), and he has all of the skills necessary to find out what people are cramming down their gullets in the modern world of the 1980’s.  He quickly discovers that even the FDA(that’s the Food and Drug Administration, kids) has no idea what The Stuff is, so he goes straight to the source and heads for The Stuff’s main distribution plant.  They are more than willing to show him how The Stuff gets packaged, but anything about its production is strictly confidential.  This being a free country(Go USA!), he sneaks into a restricted area and discovers the horrifying truth: The Stuff isn’t made, it’s sucked up out of the ground and put directly into tubs!

What are you gonna do when the stuff comes for you?

Full disclosure: The Stuff is alive, and it moves around with a mind of its own.  If you eat enough of it, it will take over your body and then discard you like a fat kid dropping a candy wrapper.  When Moe finally gets the full picture, he conveniently finds the local militia and convinces them that The Stuff needs to be stopped, and they put out a radio message letting the public know.  The immediate(and completely unlikely) response of the nation is to burn The Stuff and remove it from the shelves.  The company goes under, and Moe is justified in knowing that he has saved the world from a malevolent snack item.  He even goes so far as to stop the production of The Taste, a new dessert treat made with 12% The Stuff, by forcing the CEOs (one of which hired Moe in the first place?) to become addicted to The Stuff(poetic justice is the sweetest kind of justice!).  In the end, The Stuff is outlawed and a black market is created, giving way to a possible sequel where The Stuff is made legal to people with leukemia(provided they have a doctor’s note!).

An epic movie that easily earns it’s place in my library.  I would actually buy this if I ever saw it on the shelves, and I rarely say that about any movie.  Watch it, for the love of all that is fluffy and delicious, and then tell me how much you appreciate me suggesting it(I always love a reason to act smug and say “I told you so”).  If you disagree, then might I suggest that you take a long walk off a short pier into some shark infested water and then die…because you’re a bastard.  As always, I’m right forever and ever….and eternally sexy to boot.

Thanks for dropping by, and I will see you anon.  Goodnight Movieland!

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